


There Is No Why

by PilDoor



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Anal Sex, Angst, Artistic Dean, Blowjobs, Bottom Dean, Cutting, Domestic, Domestic destiel, Eating Disorder, Fluff, Happy Ending, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Mary Lives, Past Suicide Attempt, Self Harm, Sexual Content, Smart Castiel, Smart Dean, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Tattooed Dean, Top Cas, Underage Drinking, Violence, Yoga, eating problems, hurt!Dean, mention of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-05-30 07:19:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 64,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6414244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PilDoor/pseuds/PilDoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel just moved to Moses Lake and thus is new at school. He meets Dean his second week there. Dean is warm and funny and just so nice, but why does everyone at school treat him like <em> that </em> ??</p><p>Dean's had an abusive relationship that's traumatized him, and it stays with him for years, though Cas tries his best to be there for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Back To School

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure this where this will go, and I'll add tags as I go along. This work may take me a while, as I have no idea where I'm going. Also I'm working on a fic that's very similar to this, so I might just fuse them together.

Dean placed his notebook on his desk and bent down to reach for his battered up copy of The Metamorphosis. Luckily – or whatever – enough he hadn’t turned it in by the end of last year, so even though the rest of the class had checked the book out last week, he didn’t have to venture further than the boxes under his bed to retrieve a copy. Ha, saved those 50 steps to the school library!

He rummaged through his bag and cursed under his breath when he realized that he’d forgotten his pencil case in math. Fucking typical. Who was gonna lend _him_ a pen? Dean straightened back up and avoided the disdainful looks he could feel from just about all sides. 

Except for his left, there was a wall. A nice, comforting, grey wall with quotes from books Mrs. Missouri had read over summer.  
“- Why me?  
\- That is a very Earthling question to ask, Mr. Pilgrim. Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is. Have you ever seen bugs trapped in amber?  
\- Yes.  
\- Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment. There is no why.”  
Ah, Vonnegut. Mrs. Missouri had always been one of Dean’s favorite teachers, and he was again reminded why.

“Please, quiet down. You too, Ramirez. What I’d like for you to start with, is get out a sheet of paper, a writing utensil and just take five minutes to write what you thought about the chapter I trust you’ve all read for today.”

Dean looked at the book. Fuck, he was gonna have to ask somebody. He looked to his right and was startled to see an unfamiliar face. It doesn’t sound weird that there’d be a strange face in AP English, but Dean had been at this school for four years and in the town for 18. And he would have noticed this guy, he’d bet his ass on that. 

It wasn’t just because he was attractive with his raven-black hair, pale skin and ridiculously blue eyes (ridiculously because the guy wasn’t even facing Dean and he could still tell!), it was more in the fact that he was dressed... odd. Like a mix between a grandpa and a private school-student. He was wearing a fucking blazer and a light blue button-down. It would have been a very proper look if he had bothered to comb his hair. But Dean had always though messy hair was cute.

Okay, so he had stared. And now it was embarrassing because the guy had noticed and was now staring back. 

Dean blushed, “I’m sorry. Do you have a spare pencil?” 

“Certainly.” The guy smiled warmly and passed him one, and Dean would really like to know who the fuck this kid was, but Mrs. Missouri decided to announce that there was two minutes left to write in. Shit.

 

“For tomorrow, please finish chapter four. Shannon, did I say you could get up yet? Sit down till the bell rings.” The bell rang.

Dean gathered his stuff and put it in his backpack. He was glad he’d read the book last year, because since the movie came out, he had a hard time taking it seriously now. Slowly zipping his bag closed, making sure most of his peers had left the room, he turned around and very nearly knocked the strange (gorgeous) kid over. 

“Shit, man! I’m sorry.”

“I am at fault, I’ve been told repeatedly that my concept of personal space is off by approximately 3 feet. My apologies,” the kid looked sincere, so Dean figured he probably wasn’t talking like Special Agent Dale Cooper as a joke and decided not to laugh. 

“I’m Castiel by the way, I’m new. At this school,” He extended his hand.

Dean shook it, “Dean. Nice to meet you.”

“Are you new as well? I didn’t see you last week.” He slung his ugly-ass trench coat over his ugly-ass briefcase as he walked beside Dean out into the hallway.

“Um, no, I, err... I’m just always a little late, you know, one of those kinda guys.” He spared a glance at Castiel, trying to gauge how vague he was allowed to be here. 

“Better late than never, some people say. Regardless, this is me. I will see you tomorrow, Dean.” With a nod and a smile he left Dean’s side in favor of the art room. 

 

“Hey Sammy!” Dean ruffled his little brother’s hair affectionately, which earned him a very fourteen-year-old boy’s voice-sounding whine. 

“Dean, cut it out!” Sammy desperately tried to flatten his hair while shooting Dean a glare before grabbing his brown lunch-bag and shutting his locker. “Are you going to the cafeteria?”

“Nah. I’m going to Biggerson’s. I’d invite you along, but you know the rules.” Dean grinned deviously at his brother. Freshmen weren’t allowed the leave the premises for lunch. Thank Christ, though, because Dean was lying. He was going to the library or a bathroom stall in the Theater Annex, where he could be left alone. Usually lying to Sam would make Dean feel bad, but really, Sammy shouldn’t worry more than he already did. 

“Whatever, jerk. Mom gave me a Reese’s peanut-butter cup, so suck it,” He smiled briefly at Dean before he saw his friends waving at him, “I’m gonna go, okay?” Ugh, that fucking concerned look.

“Enjoy your peanut-butter cup, bitch.” Dean said and pushed him playfully in his friends’ direction. His friends were all scared of Dean now, Dean was pretty sure.

Dean was sitting the Geography section of the school library, which he was pretty sure was the least visited section, enjoying a nutritious bag of Funyuns. 

He could hear some other students having the fucking time of their lives in the magazine section, as they discussed American Candy versus German. Nadine – the German exchange student – was going on about some “Kinder Surprise” thing while Lisa, the head cheerleader who had decided to make Nadine her new BFF, done on about Twizzlers. 

Lisa, coincidentally hadn’t acknowledged him at all since he got back, which was hilarious considering the insane crush she’d had on him for 5 years. It wasn’t like anything would happen, obviously, Dean liked dick, but still, lost affections always hurt, and losing all of them at once? Ouch.

“Oh, you girls wound me deeply. Candy isn’t meant to be compared, it’s meant to be enjoyed, savored, bring happiness to your life. You can’t possibly choose a fruity candy over chocolate or licorice because life’s just too dull without the other kinds,” Dean didn’t recognize the guy’s voice, but he sounded like he might jerk off to a jar of Nutella, “If I had to choose though, I’d had to say I prefer kisses.”

Wow, okay, if you want to create an awkward silence in ,3 seconds, just say something that corny with in very suggestive tone to two very hot girls. 

“Ladies, relax, I meant Hershey’s kisses, obviously.” Dean wasn’t sure if that made anything better, but didn’t get to consider it further, suddenly three guys from his Spanish 3 class from last year were looming over him. Dean looked up expectantly.

“Hey fellas.” He mumbled around a funyun.

“Are you even allowed to go out without a supervisor?” one of the guys, Dick, asked, snatching the half-empty bag of chips from Dean’s hand. Dean would have said something flippant but didn’t get the chance just yet, apparently.

“The reason you ain’t in the cafeteria because you ain’t allowed around knives, psycho-boy?” one of the others said.

Actually he wasn’t allowed around sharp objects. He hadn’t even thought that might cause him quarantine from the school cafeteria. Huh. But there are only butter knives right? He should probably look into that, he really didn’t want to get in trouble over something stupid like that.

“Listen guys, this has been real fun, but I gotta get to class.” Dean was really too tired to be dealing with these guys. He put the atlas from the 70s he’d been hiding behind for the first 10 minutes of break back on the shelf and went to grab his bag from the floor. 

He could feel the three douchebags watching him and suddenly he could also feel a hard shove against his shoulder and he stumbled onto the floor, knocking two chairs down with him. Dean stayed down, listening to the guys laughing loudly while walking off, mumbling something-something-“crazy.”

 

Dean parked in the half-empty parking lot. The digital clock lit up a red 5.06PM on his dashboard. It was already getting dark out. Lovely. Dean rolled down the window and leaned his head out of it as he lit a cigarette. He usually didn’t want to infect his beloved ’67 Impala with the smell of tobacco, but he was bored. He tapped his fingers to the beat of AC/DC’s T.N.T.

He stared at the tall building that was the school. From his car he could see the tennis courts and he knew that behind the bushes surrounding them, not far off, was a park, surrounded by even taller bushes. So it was great for dealing. Alastair had told him that. Fuck. Don’t go there, he thought to himself.

A door opened at a stream of light illuminated the shadows of good students who participated in extra-curricular activities. A.k.a. Sam Winchester. Dean had been back at school for less than a week and so far he’d had to pick Sam up later everyday because of lame clubs. 

Dean was just happy that his social status didn’t seem to affect Sam’s that much.

Not that much at all apparently, who the fuck was he talking to since it was taking him so long? Dean had been blatantly ignored by a fair amount of students and honestly, how fucking many members could there be in a group? It wasn’t even key club (that had been Monday) or the LGBT club (yesterday), which were two of the more popular ones. Of course not because everyone was gay, but having a gay best friend was trendy and not everyone was confident or retarded enough for glee club, so people were supportive. Sam wanted Dean to join. Dean was pretty sure some guy he’d hooked up with during the summer had called him a faggot the day before, and if even the gay kids were going there, then really? Joining the club would not be a good idea.

Dean turned up the volume of his lit mix tape (it was all AC/DC and Metallica) and zoned out until the door finally opened again to reveal two silhouettes. A skinny kid in a too big jacket – undoubtedly Sam – and a taller guy with a coat flapping among his legs as they walked towards the parking lot. Dean turned on the car and the headlights unveiled the stranger to be Castiel, who looked fucking great when he was cold. Chapped lips, rosy cheeks, shivering shoulders. Cute. 

Sam knocked on the window and Dean turned down the music, opened the car door, raising his eyebrows at his brother as he waited for an explanation to why Castiel was standing awkwardly behind him, checking out his car. Well, not to why he was checking out the car, everyone would, she was gorgeous. 

“Can we give Castiel a ride?” his words were followed by fog in the cold.

Castiel turned to look at Dean when his name was mentioned. Dean met his stare. He was undeniably beautiful. His hair was glowing even in the dark; it had to be soft to the touch. And that fucking mouth. Probably even softer. What it would be like to press his own lips to them. Have the wrapped around his – …

So the staring lasted too long, because Sam cleared his throat, “Dean?”

“Huh?” his gaze shifted to his little brother, “yeah, sure, I’d love to give him a ride.” Did he really jus say that? Let’s say he didn’t.

“Dean! Gross!” Okay, so he did say that. Sam scrunched up his nose. Castiel just leaned his head to the side, looking quizzical.

“Fuck, Sam, that’s not what I meant. Just get in the car! Both of you.” Dean resisted the urge to slam his or Sam’s head on the steering wheel.

Sam got in the back, arguing that it’d be easier for Castiel to be in shotgun, since he had to get out first. Dean didn’t mind.

“So where are we going?” Dean spared a look at the boy next to him as he pulled out from his spot. In that low rumble sex-voice of his, Castiel started giving directions.

“What club was it today?” Dean asked over the low chime of Loverman. 

“European literature. A reading club.” Sam mumbled. He was balls deep in some book in the backseat. Dean just hoped he wouldn’t jizz on the seat from bare prose.

“Fucking nerd.” Dean mumbled and took a right when Castiel told him to.

“Do you not enjoy reading, Dean?” How was his voice that deep? The kid was – what – 16, 17 years old?

Dean looked at him as he stopped at a red light. “Yeah, but Vonnegut is American. So are Stephen King and Bret Easton Ellis.” He had his favorites.

“Have you read any European literature?” Castiel wondered. It seemed like a conversation-filler, because it was kind of a dumb question.

“We’re reading The Metamorphosis in class right now, Cas, yeah, I’ve read books by European authors.” Dean chuckled.

Quiet.

Had he just called him Cas?

“Right you are. How are you liking that book so far?” Dean really didn’t want to discuss school outside of school, but for some reason it was okay with Castiel.

“I actually read it last year, but yeah, I like it. Pretty fucking bizarre, but good. How about you?” 

“I find it bizarre as well. I have only read as far as the rest of the class, and it confuses me a great deal. Why was Gregor turned into a bug?” He looked puzzled and fuck, Dean wanted to find another word than cute, but couldn’t. Except adorable and that’s worse.

Dean huffed a laugh through that thought, “yeah, no explanation for that one, sorry dude.” He smiled over at Cas who briefly returned it. 

A short conversation about literature later Dean found himself in the fancy neighborhood. The one where the houses are huge and white and have engraved gates. Cas pointed to one of the mansions, letting Dean know that’s his house. And okay, maybe mansion was an overstatement, but Dean got the feeling that his room would probably fit in Cas’ shower. Oh. Cas’ shower. Wait.

Sam took Cas’ spot once he’d been dropped off and he looked very intently at Dean as he pulled away from the curb.

“You crush too easily, Dean.” Dean wished he wouldn’t use that voice. Too worrying. Made Dean feel guilty as shit.

“Shut up. I don’t have a crush on him,” He sorta wished so, “I barely know the guy.”

“That’s like the definition of crush. And it’d be fine if it was anyone else but you, but everyone likes you and you always get in too deep.” It’s a good thing the traffic is light because Dean stepped on the brakes and then turned to look at Sam.

“You’re fucking 14 and as far as I know not a damn therapist. Fucking drop it, okay?” Dean knew he was being too harsh and God, Sam didn’t deserve that. He was just really sick of his family treating him like some incompetent teenage girl who’d start crying or run away from home at any time. Which, actually, was justified.

Sam mumbled a sorry.

Dean hated himself.


	2. Who's That Guy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas learns some new things about his friends and about Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told myself I wasn't going to post two chapters in one day but whaddaya know?

Castiel followed Pam and Benny back to their usual table. He put his tray next to Jo’s and sat down, frowning at the Sloppy Joe that seemed, more than anything, to merely be sloppy slop. Why couldn’t they just make real burgers instead of this poor excuse of a sandwich? He reached for his apple, and as he saw his brother nearing the table he pulled his pudding cup closer. 

“Hey Cassie and… Cassie’s friends. Oh, especially hey to you, what’s your name?” Gabriel said as he sat down next to Charlie.

Charlie being classic Charlie just burst out laughing, “who’s this guy?” she looked at Castiel who sighed.

“My brother. Gabe, what do you need?” 

Gabriel smiled slyly and Castiel made a list of excuses to leave the table in his head. Bathroom break seemed plausible. “Her number, for one thing,” he winked at Charlie who laughed again, “I dig chicks.”

That earned Castiel a mock glare for some reason, “that is so typical of you, do gay people just find each other or what’s the deal?” He then turned to Pamela, “you’re into dick, aren’t you?” she smirked a nod and Mother of all that is Holy, please lead those two far away from temptation. Everyone else at the table turned to look at Castiel. He focused very hard on putting the straw through his Capri Sun. 

“You’re gay?” it was Benny who broke first.

Darn, the straw went through to the other side.

“I am,” Castiel said, wriggling the straw around until it finally dipped into the juicy goodness. 

“What! Why didn’t you say that? You have to join the LGBT club with me! It’s the funnest club in the whole school!” Charlie’s enthusiasm was immeasurable. 

Castiel knew that Charlie did have base for comparison, she just had no idea of his basic interests. She was a member of a billion computer- and videogame-clubs, along with some “Death To Normalcy”-thing that Castiel, upon initially hearing about it, had thought was some cult to fight social anxiety and make everybody on the outside uncomfortable, and he was still not convinced that he wasn’t right about that.

He shrugged, “I am still getting settled into the school and I have already joined one club, which is more than I have the previous years of my high school career.”

“No, Cassie, you have to do it!” Gabriel’s arm was slung around Pam’s shoulder and he was eating fries off of Garth’s plate. He seemed too engrossed in the Sloppy Slop to notice though. Gabe looked at between the other people at the table, “my darling little brother’s never had a boyfriend. An unpopped cherry, I tell you.” 

Castiel refused to blush. That wasn’t anything to be embarrassed about; he was only 16, and more socially awkward than just about anyone.

Castiel blushed.

Jo rubbed his shoulder, “hey, you’re not the only one, you know. I’ve never had a boyfriend. Well, there was Dean, but that was in third grade and it seems I turned him gay, so he doesn’t count.”

That peaked Castiel’s curiosity, “Dean is homosexual?”

Oi, had he sounded a bit too eager right then, as six pairs of eyes immediately focused on him. He was pretty sure all the blood in his body was busy coloring his face red at the moment. 

“Yeah. You know him?” Charlie asked. She looked intently at Cas, who leaned back a little at the determination in her voice.

“I – A little bit, we share three classes. His brother is in the European Literature club. He gave me a ride home last week.” 

Garth was soaking a handful of napkins in the chocolate milk he just spilled all over his tray, “how does he seem? Man, I haven’t seen him in a long time.” 

All eyes on Cas again.

“Uh, he seems… fine. I’m not sure I follow you.” 

Cas had thought Dean a simple boy when he first saw him. Broad-shouldered, fresh-faced American that he seemed. He was probably popular, dated cheerleaders, skipped class and got drunk on Fridays. So far none of that was true. They shared second period English, fifth period Pre-Calc and 7th period History and as far as Cas could tell, no one in any of those classes acknowledged Dean with much else than mockery behind his back. Which Dean seemed to be completely aware of. 

Had something happened? Had he, at one point, not seemed fine? Maybe there was like an Easy A deal going on. Cas rolled his eyes at that thought. Anna always chose movies with the most improbable plots. But Cas was a little grateful, because it seemed like Dean had watched a fair amount of those kinds of movies (perhaps not the romantic comedies, but the ones on top of IMDB’s popularity list) as well, and would habitually reference them during conversation. Cas had at least half a shot at keeping up thanks to Anna.

“Err, Castiel, it’s just… he was kind of weird last year and some things happened. Barely anyone saw him over summer.” Benny said, sounding fairly pitiful.

Jo held up a hand for him to stop talking, “Benny, it’s not our place.”

The bell made them clear the table, all of Cas’ new friends seeming slightly forlorn.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Castiel hurried after Dean, calling his name, but he seemed too intent on getting well out of the way of some of the cruder students. 

Dean had been back for a little under two weeks and Cas had discovered that he was somewhat of an outcast. Mostly people ignored him, but there were the few that would sneer insults at him as he passed them in the hallways or shove him or write hurtful messages on his locker. Usually Dean would remain unfazed about either treatment, but Cas had caught glimpses of heartbreaking expressions when Dean thought no one was paying attention and he let his beautiful smile falter.

Cas finally caught up with him and grabbed his shoulder to get him to pay attention. 

“Oh, Cas, hi. Sorry, I thought you were… someone else,” Dean looked so stressed, Cas just wanted to hold him very close for a very long time. Cheese on toast, he didn’t even know him, could he relax? 

“It’s quite alright, I understand. Our classmates seem to have passed a very set-in-stone collective judgment on you,” Cas wished he hadn’t said that when Dean strained to keep the smile on his face. “That is, however, not what I wished to discuss. I wanted to ask if you were free this afternoon?”

Dean positively brightened up at that, “yeah, totally. I mean, I have an appointment at five, but I am until then.”

“Well, if it’s more convenient for you, we can just stay downtown. Maybe go to that diner you talked about, the Roadhouse, was it?” Cas realized he was still gripping Dean’s shoulder and figured it would be better to let it go by five minutes ago. Being his awkward self he just kind of slid his hand down Dean’s arm before letting it fall back to his side. Dean raised an eyebrow at him, but didn’t comment on it.

“That would be great, Cas. I’ll see you in history, then?” At that Cas smiled and nodded in confirmation and before he could say anything else, Dean had given him a friendly pat on his arm and took off down the hall.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Castiel wasn’t surprised to find that his attention wasn’t on Petrograd or revolutions, but rather on the back of Dean’s head during seventh period. It was their last class, and in 40 short minutes, Cas would be going out (what? No? What should he call it? Hanging out?) with Dean. The anticipation! 

Finally class let out and Castiel sprung up with excitement causing all of his papers to fall out of his embarrassingly disorganized folder as it dropped to the floor. He could hear Dean laughing next to him as he crouched down to help him gather his notes. “You in a rush? Not trying to skip out on me I hope?” Dean asked with a glint in his eyes. 

Cas blushed, “no! No, absolutely not, clumsy, just, is what I am, yes.” How to form a correct English sentence! Cas suddenly wished for a smartphone so he could look that up on wikihow. Dean just chuckled on, but it died down when both boys reached for a French conjugation worksheet and their hands brushed. Neither pulled back or reached forward to actually grab the paper, they just sort of lingered, their eyes meeting for a while. 

“Oh boys, you two are just dipped-in-glaze-rolled-in-sprinkles-sugary sweet and I do hate to break up this special moment, but please. I’ve got 40 copies of the Wikipedia article about the 1917 February Revolution to fail by tomorrow and I’d like to lock the room. Got a lot of imported booze in here, you know.” Castiel flinched back at the sound of that British accent mocking them.

“Sorry, Crowley, we’ll get out of your hair,” Dean snatched the paper, Cas’ coat and ultimately Cas himself and pulled him out of the room.

Dean let go of Cas’ shirt sleeve and handed him his sheet, “God, I hate that guy, gives me the creeps.” He shuddered for emphasis and flashed a grin at Cas, who smiled right back. “Let’s get out of here.”

The Roadhouse was… cozy. In a drunk-bad-decisions-dancing-on-the-tables-losing-all-your-money-gambling-kind of way, and Castiel realized it wasn’t so much a diner as it was a bar. Dean seemed both at home and on edge. Which means he seemed at home with the house, as he effortlessly swiveled between tables, turned over chairs and sticky spots on the floor to a booth with almost no holes in the upholstery AND functioning lights. He sunk into a seat on one side of the booth, again seeming completely at ease with his surroundings. It was the people he was on edge with. 

First person Cas saw when he walked in was Ash, eating the peanuts from one of the bowls on the bar, pretending to wipe the surface. He waved at Cas and just looked surprised when he noticed Dean. Dean, in turn, scratched his neck awkwardly, averting his eyes to the floor. 

“Cas!” someone yelled from the bar and he turned to find Jo, setting down a couple of beers for some customers, watching hockey on the flat screen. It was fortunate that she had put the bottles down because she dropped the tray they had been on promptly when she noticed Dean on Cas’ right. Dean just smiled awkwardly and pulled Cas with him towards a booth.

“Do you come here frequently, Dean?” Cas asked, looking at the boy across from him. Though the day was still light outside, it was dim in the Roadhouse, and the lamp above them shone orange, creating a nice contrast to the green of his eyes, making Dean glow and his freckles stand out. 

Dean shrugged, “not as much as I used to. In fact I haven’t been here in months,” he ran a hand affectionately along the table, then looked up at Cas through his eyelashes, “you know Jo?”

Cas didn’t get a chance to respond before a woman with a hard-set face, made for scolding, but with warm brown eyes, stopped by their table. “Hello, Dean. I haven’t seen you in a while,” she said, discarding the pad she was gonna take their orders on into her apron pocket. 

Dean smiled apologetically and scratched at his neck, “no, I know. A lot of things’ve been going on, you know.”

The woman smiled almost with something like maternal affection, “yeah, you doing alright? Getting better?”

Dean glanced at Cas for a second, then looked back at the woman, “much, yeah.”

The lady seemed to notice Dean’s discomfort, and it seemed like it dawned on her, that maybe Cas knew literally nothing about what their conversation was about. “Glad to hear it, boy. Who’s your friend?”

“My name is Castiel Novak,” Cas extended a hand, which was shaken.

“Wait, Castiel- you’re the new kid? You hang out with my Jo, don’t you?” she smiled warmly.

“Yeah, we take art together. She was kind enough to show me around on my second day at the school. The day after Charlie showed me around.” Dean and Ellen both laughed at that.

“So you’re hanging out with Dean and Jo and Charlie? What a coincidence.” She gave Dean a pointed look, to which he just sighed.

Cas decided that it wasn’t his place to probe.

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean was so kind as to drop Cas off at home before having to attend to his appointment – whatever that was. Cas waved him off from his front porch before entering his house. He kept smiling like a fool during the time it took for him to take off his shoes, coat and start on the stairs leading to the second floor, on which his bedroom was located. 

“What is that? Is that a smile? Are you smiling?” Gabriel stood at the top of the stairs and Castiel stopped walking. And smiling.

As a frown formed on his face he said, “There is nothing wrong with my expressing joy, Gabe.”

The older brother shrugged, “you just never do it.” He then followed Cas into his room, “Did you meet a cute boy today?” his tone was mocking, but Castiel was an idiot. He blushed. Rookie mistake.

“Why, Cas! You did!” Gabriel honest-to-God, squealed as he sprang onto Castiel bed to jump on it. Didn’t matter much, Cas never made his bed. He was going to sleep in it every night; it just didn’t make sense to make it. As suddenly as he had started jumping Gabriel lied down on the bed, hand propping his head up to better send Cas doe eyes. 

“What’s his name?”

Castiel had regrettably lived with Gabriel his whole life, so one would really think he know how to deal with him. But he usually had Anna on his side. Now she had left for college and Cas had to deal with Gabriel on his own, and he just didn’t feel ready. 

“Gabe, I have to do homework,” he said, taking out a work sheet and two heavy books from his satchel.

Gabriel remarked, “you know, getting that satchel was a great idea. Now you don’t have to worry about coming out to new friends.” Castiel didn’t want to deal with this idiot anymore this afternoon. But then he accidentally (seriously, how did it even happen??) let slip:

“I went to a bar.” Gabriel promptly asked whom Cas was with.

Castiel buried his face in a book, “Dean,” he whispered. Gabriel, of course, freaked out and then started jumping on the bed again.

He got everything out of Cas. He didn’t even have to try very hard and Castiel didn’t even think about that until he was at the end of his tale:

“And then he had an appointment, so he drove me home.”

And just like that Gabriel knew, and Gabriel having that kind of information always made Castiel at least a little dreadful.


	3. Remember: Your Focus Determines Your Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was what happened last chapter a date?! Is this a date?! They're only hanging out!!

Dean came home to Sammy setting the table, and a few minutes later dinner was served.

“Where were you all afternoon?” Mary asked when they’d all been served. Dean didn’t bother finishing chewing a bite. 

“I had that appointment with doctor Singer. You even reminded me of it before I left this morning.” He smiled cheekily, in a ‘are-you-getting-old-mom way’.

“That wasn’t until five. What were you doing after school? I thought you didn’t much care to spend any extra time there?” she asked and Dean studied his dinner, as he was cutting into it. He wasn’t exactly excited to be telling his family about his new friend. He didn’t know why, but he kind of felt like he was doing something wrong. _You don’t deserve friends_ his subconscious helpfully supplied.

“I went to the Road House. With a friend.” Sam and Mary put their utensils down and only the sound of John cutting his dinner and chewing it could be heard for a good 30 seconds. Great. Just great. It was gonna be a big deal.

“Jo?” Mary asked, which Dean had to deny.

“He’s new. His name is Castiel. Sammy has some nerd club with him on Wednesdays,” Dean admitted.

“You hung out with Castiel all day?” Sam asked, obviously surprised. Which, by the way? Rude. Dean was very charismatic, thank you very much.

Dean shrugged and continued eating, “yeah, we have a few classes together and I had two hours to kill.”

“Does he know-“ before his mom got to even ask the question Dean was shaking his head no.

“I’ve talked to him twice. I don’t wanna scare him off by telling him I’m crazy,” he mumbled, but met his mom square in the eye. Talking about this was the worst, he had done it all summer and he still had to do it at least once a week.

“Hey! Dean, you aren’t crazy,” John finally bid in.

“Maybe not, but I was.”

“Dean, you are not crazy. And if you don’t want him scared off, you’re better off telling him before someone else does.” Mary helpfully advised. Dean almost felt like crying, but fuck that. He was done bursting into tears at the most inopportune times. What was is doctor Singer had told him to do? Big breaths. His hands stopped shaking under the table, but he kept rubbing his wrist.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Later the same night Dean finished his homework fast. He’d still been okay by this time last year and he’d never thrown out any of his filled out worksheets from high school. Apparently teachers didn’t throw their worksheets out either.

He was about to join his parents in the living room but when he got to the hallway he could hear his parents discussing him.

“He just got out, I’m not sure it’s a good idea for him to be going on dates already,” from his mom.

“Relax, honey. I don’t even think it was a date. It’s a good thing that he’s making friends again. I can’t imagine he’s quite as popular at school as he used to be,” John said. Dean curled his hands into fists. Why would she think it was a date? Yeah, he made some mistakes, but he’s not that slutty. Not anymore, anyway. He felt tears prickling behind his eyes, so he turned around to go back upstairs. 

He hated he had to react like that, and his anger only made more tears well in his eyes. Jesus Christ, he was a mess.

A few tears had escaped his eyes and Dean really thought he would make it to the safety of his room, but of course fucking not. Sam opened to door from his room, “Dean?”

Dean was standing with his back to Sam so he only turned his head slightly, not wanting his little brother to see. “What, Sam? I have to do homework.”

Sam walked the few steps to his brother and put an arm on his shoulder. “What’s wrong?” he asked. Dean slumped his shoulders and breathed in a shaky breath.

Ending up in Sam’s room Dean had stopped crying before he really began. “There’s nothing to worry about, Sammy. I just get emotional, it’s gonna be awhile before I stop just bursting into tears at random, probably.” He tried to smile it off, but tears were still drying in his eyes, so it probably didn’t have the desired effect.

Sam just gave him one of those looks, one of those searching, understanding ones. It made Dean want to disappear more than he usually wanted to.

“Mom is worried about you making a new friend,” he told Dean, as if he didn’t know.

“Yeah, I know. What the fuck up with that though? Half the time she’s encouraging me to ‘get out there’” Dean air quoted with his fingers, mocking his mother.

“Dean,” Sam took a little break, “we’re all just worried, okay. You like everyone and everyone likes you too,” Dean snorted at that but didn’t otherwise interrupt, “no one wants to see you get into things too fast with someone you barely know.”

Dean held up his hands in defense, “okay, so I’m not the best judge of character-“ 

“That’s not what I meant!” Sam interrupted, but Dean went on undeterred.

“-but what am I supposed to do? Bring strangers home so you guys can say if they’re okay for me to be friends with or not?”

“Of course not, Dean! Besides, I have met Castiel and he seems great. I just don’t want you to get hurt again,” Sam explained. As if Castiel had it in him to hurt Dean the way Alastair had.

“Whatever. Bitch,” Dean smiled.

“Jerk.” Sam returned. “You wanna play Halo?” 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The harassment didn’t stop the first week; it bled into the second and the third. Dean found it more and more dreadful to go to school – especially since Dick and his dick friends had found the library section where Dean liked to spend his break. He considered moving from the geometry section to history, but they’d probably find him anywhere in the library. He had too many bruises to lunch with a bibliographical view.

He got more and more excited to see Cas every day though. Cas who was smart, subtly funny and weird as hell. And most importantly, who ignored the badgering and the insults yelled after Dean every time he walked down a hallway or into a classroom, and who didn’t ask why people called him crazy or a suicidal freak.

“You haven’t seen Star Wars?!” Dean almost yelled this, right in the middle in the hallway. As if people weren’t paying enough attention to him already.

Castiel grinned. Dean hadn’t seen him laugh yet, but he’d grin and smile at Dean’s antics. “I am sorry, Dean. I will inquire my sister to show me it when she returns to celebrate Thanksgiving with us.” 

“Yeah, you better! Unless… you might wanna come over and see it at my house sometime?” Where did _that_ come from?

Castiel blushed and stuttered, “oh! Uhm, your house?”

“Sammy will be there too,” Dean tried to save grace, but he didn’t think he was particularly successful. 

“Well, I would like that very much. When did you have in mind?” Castiel asked, making Dean relax. He hoped, not visibly.

“How about Friday?” Dean asked. Then he would have time to talk to his therapist and find out if it was normal that he was getting anxious over a plan to hang out with someone he’d talked to every day for three weeks. And his parents of course.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Friday came soon enough, and _no_ , Dean was not counting the minutes till the last bell would ring. But wasn’t a minute just 60 seconds, or was Dean remembering wrong? Definitely seemed to be stretching out for at least 120.

Eventually the last bell rang and the masses welled out into the hallways. Dean would usually take his time, mostly so he wouldn’t have to run into too many people in the hallway or the parking lot, but this day he didn’t seem able to help himself. (Usually Cas would be in his last period, but apperently he'd needed to fill out transfer paperwork or something right then). Without even thinking about how embarrassing it was he was pretty much running down the hallway, navigating around people, yelling sorry when he had to.

“Sorry- excu- EXCUSE ME!” Dean made his way to the stairs leading down to the cafeteria, then, “fucking shit!” he forgot his fucking bag in the classroom. And back he goes.

Bag over one shoulder and coat under his arm he made his way down the hallway once again, not bothering to run this time. The hallways were still crowded but he could easily walk in between groups of gangly freshmen and late athletes. 

It happened on the stairs. He was almost all the way down, eyes on Castiel whose back was turned to Dean as he was waiting for him in front of the main exit from the school. Dean didn’t think to be grateful his back was turned until a pair of hands shoved at his back, sending Dean flying down the remaining seven steps. 

Perfect. How fucking embarrassing. As he got up he looked towards Castiel. The boy hadn’t seen any of that, but chose that moment to turn around. Dean waved at him, then looked at his palm. Yeah, of course. He looked at his jeans, which he had just dusted off using that same palm. A few small patches of blood created a pattern on his knees. Why him?

“Are you alright?” Castiel asked, and Dean really didn’t need the look of concern on his face. 

“Haha, yeah, too busy looking at you, I guess,” what the FUCK WAS THAT?! First of all he literally just said the word HAHA. And what the hell was he doing FLIRTING WITH CAS?!

The dark-haired boy squinted his eyes and tipped his head to the side in question. Dean waved him off. “Sam has some nerd club and I have to take him home. Is it okay if we just hang out here for two hours? We could go to the library.”

“Yes, of course. Perhaps you can help me with the worksheet for pre-calculus? You appear to be very strong in math.” Castiel asked while he picked up his fugly satchel off the floor.

Dean chuckled, “I’m not good at math, I just took this class last year too.” Why did he tell him that? Castiel looked surprised but was luckily tactful enough to not ask about it.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The two hours passed faster than the two guys realized and suddenly there was Sam, giving them an exasperated look (probably because their heads were that close). Dean drove them home and after being thoroughly embarrassed by his mom's probing of Cas and his dad’s stupid dad jokes, they settled in Dean’s room. 

He’d pulled the curtains down and stolen pillows from the living room to place on his bed against the wall so they could sit on something resembling a couch. Then he pulled his collector’s edition box of Star Wars DVDs out and put Episode IV in the player and pressed play.

They were an hour in when Castiel called Dean out, “I thought this was your favorite movie,” he said, never turning his face away from the TV. 

“Uh, huh?”

“You are not watching it, you are watching me,” he simply said and Dean blushed. Please, dear lord, of you’re gonna do anything for me, do not let Sam say anything. Do not.

Sam started laughing, completely ignoring the lord in heaven, “Dean, you freak!”

“Hey! I’m just making sure you’re reacting appropriately, okay?” that sounded plausible. 

Before Sam could say it, Castiel did, “you are not a good liar.” Dean could do nothing but groan. 

“I’ll have you know I used to be a very good liar.” Why did he say that? Lord, NOW is the time to not let Sam say anything. 

He didn’t. he cleared his throat. God, it became awkward. Luckily for the Dean, the boy he has thrown his affections at was really the type that, like, _did_ awkward. Cas didn’t even fucking notice it had gotten awkward. They continued watching the movie. Then they watched Episode V. 

 

Dean ended up not driving Castiel home until 11.30pm. 

“I hope I didn’t make you break a curfew, Cas.” He looked briefly at him while waiting for green light.

“I would have told you. I rarely go out, and never to parties. My mom knows I’m not out drinking or anything along those lines,” Cas said. They could not be more different. If only it’d been Cas he’d met around this time last year, instead of Alastair.

When he came to a stop in front of Cas’ giant house, he turned towards him. “I had fun tonight. Thanks for coming over,” he said genuinely. Castiel looked gorgeous in the light from the street lamp coming through the windshield.

“I enjoyed myself as well. Thank you for inviting me.” Cas reached for the handle and stepped outside. Before he could get out completely, Dean asked,

“Would you maybe want to do it again?” Why was he so nervous? He used to be so suave. Fuck’s sake. 

“I would like that very much. Goodnight, Dean,” Castiel said, both feet on the sidewalk by then. He waved after the Impala as Dean drove off.


	4. Innocence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're _totally_ flirting. Cas discovers something about Dean and Anna comes home for Thanksgiving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of self-harm.
> 
> I probably won't be uploading quite as quickly the rest of April. I have the next chapter ready, but I really do have to write that Visual Culture exam...

Castiel was 2/3 into The Museum of Innocence and he was pretty sure that was about as far into it as he was going to get. It’s not that it was bad, only very long. And he had other homework. And maybe it was a little boring, and he tended to prioritize texting Dean back over finishing the chapters.

When he got to room 4.17 Wednesday afternoon it turned out to not be a problem. Only one person had finished it. That person was Sam. 

“My brother told me it would be worth it,” Sam explained when the other group members looked incredulously at him. Someone asked if it then had been worth it. Sam shook his head. Castiel kind of wished _he_ had finished it.

When the club broke up earlier than usual due to the fact that, hello, no one had read the book, Sam offered Castiel a ride, as he did every week. 

“Dean had an appointment moved to today and he won’t finish until 5 anyway, so I guess we’re gonna have to wait. I hope you don’t mind,” Sam told Castiel as he dumped his backpack next to a bench in the hall near the exit to the parking lot. 

“That’s quite alright. I am just appreciative that I get to ride with Dean. And you” Castiel ensured Sam, hoping the younger boy hadn’t noticed the slight pause after Dean’s name. He was so darn transparent.

They sat in silence, Castiel having taken The Museum of Innocence out of his satchel to try and continue, while Sam took a look at some biology homework. When Castiel heard the scribbling next to him come to a halt, he looked up at Sam.

“Do you like him?” Sam asked bluntly. Fudge. What should he do? Play dumb? Play dumb!

“Who?”

“Ugh, Castiel,” an eyeroll, “Dean, of course. Don’t play stupid.” Oopsie. 

“Oh heh. Yes, of course. He uhm, he is very likeable. Very welcoming.” Castiel hoped it was diplomatic enough.

“You know what I mean,” Sam said without even being exasperated by Cas’ folly. 

Castiel fiddled with his embroidered bookmark, then placed it on the page. “I suppose I do. I don’t tend to be the crushing type, but I do admire him.”

“Yeah, you want to be close with him, want him to pay attention to you, you think he’s hot or whatever, right?” Sam asked to which Cas could only nod.

“I thought so. Cas, it’s not my place so I’m not gonna tell you all of it, but Dean… he had kind of a rough time last year, and he's still struggling with some of the repercussions. I just think it’s important that you know.” Sam said, as if Castiel now knew more than he had before. He was trying to find out how to go about asking. His friends wouldn’t tell him, Sam didn’t think it was his place either, and Castiel suspected Dean would turn antagonistic were he to ask him. Where did the phrase ‘only time will tell’ originate from?

Dean finally showed up after about 30 minutes, which meant Sam and Cas had spent 10 minutes talking about Dean and 20 in awkward, even for Cas, silence. 

“Sam says you read The Museum Of Innocence?” Castiel started as they were driving towards his address.

“Yeah, I uhm. I had a lot of time to read this summer, and it was in the hospi- uh in the library close by,” Dean told Castiel, and he just decided to skirt tactfully over the fact that Dean had almost said ‘hospital’. 

Dean continued talking about the book as well as the museum of the same name in Turkey he had read about. He went on to another book by Orhan Pamuk, and when they finally arrived in front of Cas’ house, Dean had been talking about books and Castiel had said about 10 words. 

When Dean realized he flushed, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It is very refreshing to see a… nerdy side to you,” Castiel told him, which earned him a snort from Sam, “A nerdy - _A_ nerdy side? Dean is literally layer upon layer of nerd!”

Castiel just managed to hear a “bye Cas!” before Sam slammed the door to the Impala shut at the same time he was called a little nerd bitch by Dean.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

It was the next day at school and Cas didn’t expect anyone else to be in the restroom, since it was in the middle of class, and he was also pretty sure Dick and his two friends didn’t have hall passes or permission to be smoking inside.

“Uh,” was all he got out upon seeing them. They had all been looking at a closed door to one of the stalls it seemed, but they turned around when they heard Cas open the door.

“Cassie! You’re Dean’s new little boyfriend aren’t you?” Dick said. Cas tried not to curl his toes in his shoes over his gross smile.

“No, Dean and I are not romantically involved. Perhaps you have me mistaken for another student?” Castiel seriously didn’t hope so. What if Dean did have a boyfriend? He had never even considered that fact, but Dean was so beautiful, so kind and intelligent and funny. He had to have a boyfriend.

“Oh no, I don’t think so. Not like anyone else would be seen with him after last year.” Dick said rather cruelly.

“I don’t mind being seen with him. His past is none of my business,” Castiel tried to keep his head held high, but he was afraid the tension lifting his shoulders countered the attempt.

“Well, if you wanna go out with a nutcase, help yourself. Dean's the easiest little whore, anyway. Hope you don’t mind damaged goods.” Dick and his friends finally left, throwing their cigarettes butts in the sink.

Castiel had initially gotten the hall pass to go to the restroom to wash his hands as he had accidentally touched some gum under his desk. As he pumped soap into his hand, he saw a couple of feet emerge under the stall that had been closed. Hiking boots. Didn’t Dean wear…?

The door opened and Castiel thought that it was very ridiculous that he could see Dean’s freckles in the poor lighting and through a mirror. Dean’s eyes were round and apprehensive, and oh so green. Like, swamp green. Okay, that’s not very poetic. Forest green. Yes, green like a forest in spring, like looking up at the fresh leaves and seeing the sun shine through them. Castiel should really get back from his walk in the woods.

“Dean? Are you okay?” Castiel asked and washed the soap and gross student-saliva off his hands.

The green-eyed boy… man? Boy/man sank before nodding. “Yeah, they’re just assholes,” Dean looked at Cas in the mirror, and when Castiel finally got with the darn program and turned around, Dean finally smiled and seem to regain his composure. 

“They’re so unoriginal. Nutcase? Come on, why not Girl Interrupted or something? That’d even be a dig at my gender, double-whammy!” Castiel didn’t know what interrupted girls had to do with anything, but then again he didn’t know what ‘nutcase’ was about either.

“Were those boys teasing you?” Castiel figured would be as good a place as any to start in the myriad of questions collecting in his brain. Dean huffed a laugh,

“You talk so fucking strange, Cas. But yeah, they won’t get off my back. Like I’ve been back a month and I haven’t seen them since June, probably. Do you think he is in love with me?” Castiel opened his eyes wide at Dean, and then looked down at his still wet hands. 

“Uhm. I- I guess, he could be. I would understand why,” Seriously, could he be cool for one second. When Dean’s lips started turning into a smile, he figured he’d made a fool out of himself once again. Of course Dean was being sarcastic.

Instead of letting Dean tease him, he continued, “shut up. Why was he bothering you?”

Dean finally turned serious. “No one’s told you?” When Castiel shook his head, he continued, “you’re friends with Jo and Benny and that lot, _and_ Sam, and no one has told you?” Castiel confirmed once again that Dean had it right.  
Dean pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his chest pocket in the flannel that was left open over a grey T-shirt. He stuck on in between his lips then fished his lighter up from his jean pocket, lighting up the cigarette. He took a pull on it.

“No one told you anything?”

“Dean, no! No one has told me anything. Except that apparently _something_ happened to you last year, and if I am to hear it, I am to hear it from you.”

Dean spent a few seconds looking incredulously at Cas again, before shrugging and leaving the restroom, beckoning Cas to follow along. Castiel did. He saw Dean walking down the hallway, with a swagger of confidence that probably was fake and the still lit cigarette in one hand. He was so.. damn… sexy!! Castiel giggled at his thoughts then ran after Dean.

“Where are we going?” Cas asked, effectively making Dean stop in the middle of the hallway. 

“You wanna skip school with me?”

Castiel’s immediate response was that no, he didn’t skip school, he had a perfect attendance record. His second thought was that he would go anywhere with Dean. He ultimately ended on:

“Uh, my… My bag and coat, all my things, are in Ms. Mosely’s classroom.”

“Oh come one, Cas, fuck that.”

Castiel could not get himself to do it. Having told Dean as much, Dean’s smile falters, ash falls to the carpet in the hallway and his shoulders slumps. Castiel kind wished he had been angry at him for it, but he just looked hurt, green eyes not meeting Cas’ blue ones. 

Before Castiel got the chance to apologize or explain or change his mind, Dean had left with a false smile (at least he tried) and a “see you later then.”

Castiel felt like the worst friend in the world, and he couldn’t figure out know why.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Cas had apparently pissed Dean off more than he thought, because he didn’t talk to him anymore for the rest of the week. Or maybe he was afraid that Cas would ask questions about why he seemed to have a black eye in second period, which had been accompanied by a split lip by seventh. Which, granted, he did want to.

Dean didn’t really talk to him until the next Wednesday when he and Sam gave him a ride as per usual. 

It was very awkward and for once Cas actually cared and he was scavenging his brain trying to find something to say. But Dean got there first.

“Hey Cas?” Cas looked at Dean who could only really give him a glance as he was obviously driving a car.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel wasn’t sure why, but Dean chuckled at that. It didn’t even matter that he didn’t know what was funny, he was happy to have made Dean smile.

“I’m sorry I’ve been kind of absent lately. It’s not you,” Dean said quietly. So quietly Cas almost didn’t hear it over the loud rock music. It was new numbers every week, and Castiel didn’t even know there were that many rock songs to listen to.

Cas had wanted to be back to speaking with Dean for five days now, so he didn’t even care if there were supposed to be apologies or anything, he just blurted out, “do you wanna come over on Friday? We could watch another movie” Castiel was pretty sure Sam couldn’t hear them, but he wanted him to know that he could come to.

“Sam can come t-“ Dean turned the music louder right then, drowning out Cas invitation. When he looked over at the driver, Dean had a mischievous glint in his eye and was shaking his head. Cas thought that it must be significant in some way, but he was not good with this stuff.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean did come over Friday however, and someone up there must be looking out for Cas because Gabriel was gone for the whole night. Hopefully not at Pam’s.

When Castiel voiced his concerns about Gabriel potential whereabouts Dean laughed, a full-bodied one, hands on his knees. Castiel really wanted to hug him, and he was definitely smiling dopey-ly when Dean said, “she’d eat him alive!”

This time they watched the Godfather and Silence of the Lambs and Cas kind of wished they hadn’t watched that last one. Not that he was about to tell Dean that.

They’d ended up sitting, basically leaning, up against one another and Cas had certainly appreciated the warmth of his body when Hannibal escaped from his cage.

The bowl of popcorn was in Castiel’s lap and they’d continually stroked each other’s hands by accident, making Cas cough awkwardly. Dean had been totally cool, and once he even let his hand linger, winking at Cas when he finally looked at him. Was he maybe flirting with him? He had to get so much advice from his sister, his brother, his friends, maybe even his mom after this night.

Cas forgot about being worried about that the next time Dean reached for popcorn though. Dean hit the side of the bowl, not knocking it over but necessitating Cas to rearrange it, so the dark-haired boy looked down, and that was when he saw.

In the light from the screen he could see Dean’s forearm, for he had shed his button-down when they’d moved closer. His arm was covered in white scars, some small and thin, others thick and long. Castiel almost said something, almost reached out to touch, but he was able to rein it in. The rest of the night he couldn’t forget about it, and even though Dean was none the wiser, Castiel didn’t actually catch the end of the movie: he was thinking about Dean.

Upon leaving Dean kept talking about how much fun it had been, and how they should totally do it again, and Cas could only hope he’d seemed at least a little enthusiastic even though he had only nodded. He’d been deep in thought.

“You okay? You’re not scared are you? That the big, bad cannibal is gonna come and eatcha?” Dean teased and made the gross lip thing that movie-Hannibal did. Cas shoved him lightly, “no, I am not, stop it! I am perfectly fine. Goodnight, Dean. I, too, hope we can repeat the success once again.”

Dean yelled, “goodnight mrs. Novak!” and his mom yelled a response and with a hug so brief that Castiel later started wondering whether his imagination had made it up, Dean left.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Well, Cas was certainly not paying attention to the season, because suddenly Thanksgiving had rolled around and he honest to god almost went to school. Luckily his mom actually owned a calendar and was not an idiot like Cas. He changed back to his PJs, just because he could, and texted Dean the stupid mistake he almost made. “HAHAHAHAHAHAH [crying laughing emoji]x3” was what he got in return.

He was in the middle of reading Wurthering Heights, which he always did around this season, when there came a honk from outside. Cas knew what that meant, and he and Gabriel wrestled down the stairs to get there first. Their mom beat them anyway.

Anna was busy hugging their mother, and then Cas was busy hugging her, so he didn’t even notice the handsome stranger his sister had brought along.

“This is Balthazar. He’s from France, he didn’t care to go home for a holiday they don’t even have, so I brought him here.” She explained, and Castiel wondered why the handsome stranger was wearing a V-neck and a cardigan when it was late November and he was in Washington State.

After the initial brothers/sister wrestling and getting to know Handsome Stranger (alright, alright, Balthazar, Castiel had no place not remembering a name like that) Anna came to Castiel’s room. He had retreated earlier in the evening to finish up a physics worksheet before dinner. He knew by the sound of her knock that it would be her before she even entered.

“How are you?” she asked, sitting on Cas’ bed across from Cas in his office chair. “Gabriel keeps saying you have a boyfriend and mom just smiles like a retard.”

Castiel did not sputter, okay? He didn’t! He just… swallowed too much spit at once.

“Dean is _not_ my boyfriend!”

“Yet you immediately knew it was Dean I was talking about when I said the word ‘boyfriend’” she smiled that stupid older sister I-am-right smile and Castiel threw an eraser at her.

“We’re friends. It’s kind of odd. I am friends with a group of people with whom he used to be best friends, and I am friends with his brother. They all say ‘something happened’ to Dean, and that I should hear it from Dean. Whom I, of course, dare not ask,” he rolled his eyes at himself. Anna leaned her head to the side in manner indicative of her listening.

“He was over here last Friday and we saw a couple of movies. Anna, he has scars up and down his forearms.” Castiel finally got out. He hadn’t told anyone, because he knew that they probably already knew this and it wasn’t like the cuts were fresh, and also ‘it wasn’t his place.’ 

Anna looked down on the scars donning her wrists. She sighed and looked up at Cas, “have you told anyone?”

Castiel shook his head, “they’re scars, not cuts. Besides I think he spent time in the hospital during the summer. I don’t think it is undealt with.”

“Good. Cas, promise me that you won’t make this your responsibility, okay? Like you did with me?” Castiel nodded.

“And if he starts cutting again know that it’s not your fault, and tell an adult, okay? Even if it has to be mom or a teacher.” 

All he could do was nod again. Then he got hit in the head by an eraser, and Anna ran towards the door, “I don’t wanna talk about this sad stuff anymore, let’s go make pumpkin spice eggnog!”

Anna made Castiel promise to call her if things got hard to deal with and if he felt like the world was swallowing him again, before she left, and when school started again Cas felt resurrected.


	5. Mindless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jo comes to see Dean. Dean and Cas are being cuties, but Dean isn't all good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: "oooh, I probably won't upload in a while, I have an exam, blah blah"  
> Me: *pointedly opens fanfic documents instead of exam docs* "haha how did that happen?"
> 
> Fucking idiot, huh?

The theater geeks had started rehearsing the week before and Dean felt even more awkward sitting in the hallway in the theater annex now that people were doing vocal exercises or practicing choreography. But the library was already off limits during lunch due to Dick being a dick, and his car would simply be too cold to spend 45 minutes in. Maybe it would be worth it.

He had just re-wrapped his PB&J, having felt too awkward around all the sequined, singing people, when he heard the door to the outside open. Then someone who looked suspiciously like Jo were walking towards him. 

Where the fuck did he look? He took his sandwich, intending to put it away but maybe he wanted to eat it anyway? He was awkwardly holding it under the table, halfway towards his bag, when Jo reached the table he was sitting at.

“Long time no see,” Dean beat her to the punch. He put the sandwich in his lap.

“Yeah. How are you doing?” she asked, looking around for a chair.

“I’m fine. How are you? Here, take my chair, I’ll get another one from the choir room,” he said, getting up. Unfortunately forgetting about the sandwich that fell to the floor with a ‘slop’. Jo looked at the sandwich, then up at Dean. Dean looked back down at the sandwich. Then back up at Jo. And they burst out laughing. 

After scrounging up a chair for Jo, she pulled out her own lunch and Dean dusted off his.

“Yeah, I’m good. I came to see you because I heard the new guy has a crush on you,” she told him while strawing her chocolate milk.

Dean nearly spat his out (it had been a peace offering from Jo). “Huh? Shut up, Jo.”

She laughed and punched him in the shoulder, “I fucking knew you had a crush on him! That’s so _you_!”

“I don’t have a crush on him. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know who you’re talking about!”

She huffed, “whatever!”

Dean looked solemnly at her, “not like I could go out with someone who’s never seen the Lord of the Rings, anyway.” They both laughed and that one, and damn it felt good to laugh with Jo again, getting teased for his crushes by Jo again.

“We could do a movie night? You know, in Ash’s basement, like we used to? Only with Cas too,” Jo suggested. Dean couldn’t think of anything to say.

“We all miss you, Dean. I really miss you. And I’m sorry I didn’t try harder when you were going through all that, but I guess just didn’t know how. Or the depth of what was going on.” Jo explained.

Dean held up his hands, half-eaten sandwich left forgotten on the table, “Jo, please don’t feel guilty, okay? It’s all my fault, I literally told you guys to leave me the fuck alone. And I’m so sorry about that. About everything. I don’t know the right words to convey how fucking sorry I am.”

“If you wanna talk, or hang out, we’re here. And I do mean ‘we’. Let’s do the movie night?” Jo put her hand on Dean’s, and Dean wanted to cry with how soft Jo was being with him. They were never soft with one another. She also had a certain knack for knowing his needs though.

“You know, you’re the best girlfriend I ever had.”

“If you’re still single when you’re forty, I might marry you. But only if you’re still hot.” She started to get up; the bell was about to ring soon anyway.

“Hang on. I don’t have the same number. I had to change it,” Dean said and reached for Jo’s hand onto which he scribbled his new digits. 

He left the theater geeks behind with a renewed sense of hope.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Due to Ash having planned a LAN party with some college friends he apparently had all of a sudden out of nowhere, the movie night got bumped two weeks into the future. So Cas obviously came to Dean’s house to watch the Hobbit that Friday.

“I was surprised when Jo invited me to spend an evening with you _and_ that group. I am excited, of course, but I had gotten the notion that you all had had a falling out of sorts,” Castiel told Dean. Dean was setting up his bed with the stolen couch pillows again. When he left his room, Castiel followed.

“Yeah, well. I mean, me too. I’m surprised too. Jo came and found me yesterday during lunch, and… I don’t know. We were a little outraged you hadn’t seen the movies. Actually, you’re unculturedness brought us together!” Dean could hear the popcorn popping in the microwave and smell the butter melting on top of them. Awww, yis!

“Unculturedness?” Castiel lifted a brow at Dean, which Dean waved off. “Well, I am happy to be of service.”

“Maybe you can be a show host now. Like, a show about getting friends back together due to your lack of pop culture references?” Fuck, that bag of popcorn was HOT!

“That’s a wonderful idea, Dean. I can just imagine the look of disappointment on my family’s faces. Well, except maybe for Gabriel’s. He would undoubtedly be jealous.” See? It was this kind of thing Dean meant. Cas was fucking _funny_! The shorter boy joined in Dean’s laughter.

The boys had sat close to each other from the beginning – the same way they had the week before at Cas’ house, to share the popcorn. Dean really didn’t know how they, sometime later, were lying down so close to each other. Dean was lying against the wall, head propped up on a hand, while Castiel had scooted down a little on the bed to avoid blocking Dean’s view of the TV, and was lying on his side. Why the hell was Dean spooning with this weird, wonderful kid right now?? And God bless he knew the story by heart, because after this viewing he could not have given you a resume.

They got as far as Gollum’s introduction before both boys were asleep. 

Dean used to enjoy sleeping, but was rarely able to anymore. Both because of school along with the newer hospital habits, but he also found it harder to really fall into that deep sleep nowadays. He had this night though, and if Cas wasn’t so cute he would have been thoroughly pissed when he was woken up by a knee to the groin at 7am. 

“Arrrghhnnnn! Fuck, what the fuck! Shit piss-cocksucker!” Dean groaned, turning on his stomach and clutching his balls. 

By turning he knocked a still sleeping Castiel off the bed, “Ungf. Ow.” 

Dean kept groaning and swearing for a few seconds, then he saw Cas’ head pop up beside him, “where am I?” he said, voice rough with sleep, looking very groggy.

“Ow, fuck. Ugh.” Dean finished his complaining, then turned towards Cas. “I don’t know, man. I think we fell asleep.”

“Hm. Well. Good morning Dean. You know an impressive amount of expletives,” he flashed Dean a wonderful smile, as if they hadn’t spent the night spooning and then woken each other up by abusing each other in their sleep (pretty much).

Dean couldn’t help but smile too, though. “’Morning Cas.”

Cas rubbed his eyes, carded a hand through his unruly bedhead. Dean rubbed his balls a little more.

“I had best call my mom,” Cas then said and took Dean’s phone from where it was sitting in the charger and dialed the number. Dean didn’t even take notice.

Dean kept staring at the screen where the DVD logo was jumping around, because they’d never turned the machine off. He was deep in thought, though caught snippets from Cas, without really paying attention.

It was so simple with Cas. He’d hadn’t seen this and that movie, so Dean invited him over to watch them, and then they did that every week. And they sat a little too close, but they didn’t have to make it awkward. 

“I am at Dean’s house, we fell asleep. Yes, Dean. That Dean.”

And on Wednesdays, Dean would drive him home, and they’d completely ignore Sam in the backseat as they discussed whatever book or author they were focusing on that week. But Cas and Sam liked each other. And Cas didn’t always pick Dean’s side.

“I do not care for Gabriel’s opinion, he is my friend. Mom, stop! We are not together.”

And he could take Cas to the Roadhouse and he wouldn’t even ask why everyone was looking at him, and he would say such nice things about Dean that his old friends wanted to be his friends again.

“Mom, I don’t appreciate your teasing, I do not have a boyfriend.”

Dean looked at Cas with a fond smile. Cas gave him a confused look in return.

“I will hear no more of this for now. I am hanging up. See you later, mom.” Cas handed Dean his phone.

God, friendship was simple.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After making Cas pancakes, eating them and driving him home Dean got to endure his overbearing family.

“So… Didn’t know you were having a sleepover,” his dad said over the newspaper.

“We didn’t mean to. I guess it’s just been a busy week at school,” Dean said, looking at his family that was now having breakfast. Dean and Cas had gotten up so early they’d eaten breakfast before everyone else. Dean was grateful. Imagine this conversation with Cas still there? Disaster.

“You guys got up awfully early. Trying to sneak him out?” his mom asked, teasing smile gracing her lips.

Dean groaned, “oh my god, mom. Cas kicked me so I pushed him out of bed at 7am.”

“What?!”

“Not on purpose! In his sleep! And I didn’t mean to push him, it just really hurt.”

“You’re into some weird things, Dean. Hope you wore a rubber,” Sammy giggled (probably mainly over having said ‘rubber’, the freak), and Dean picked up a grape from the fruit bowl on the table to throw at his head. He caught it with his mouth. Fucker.

“Sam!” his mom said indignantly, and both parents turned to look at him. Dean made an obscene gesture and Sammy burst out laughing. 

“It is too early to deal with you two’s antics,” Mary said to her sons and got up to put her bowl in the dishwasher. John just chuckled behind his newspaper.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dean was looking through some of his drawings that he’d made in the hospital. It had been a bad idea from the start, he couldn’t think about the hospital without thinking about what had brought him there, so his hands were mindlessly flipping through the papers, his thoughts a million miles away.

Even though Dean was becoming very good friends with Cas, was ahead of class and now had plans with his old friends, not everything was great. Dr. Singer had told him to focus on the positive, but as he sat there with papers, ripped from how hard he’d pressed the pencils on them, he didn’t have control over his thoughts anymore.

His teachers were still giving him funny looks, they still let him hand in assignments late. “Whatever he needed.” He hated that. He wanted everything to go away, to be forgotten, so he could just be Dean Winchester, men’s man extraordinaire and king of beer pong again.

The other students had toned it down; they didn’t care that much anymore. Dick was still being awful, probably because he’d been friends with Alastair, and he still had to do most group assignments alone. 

Everyone hated him, and Dean understood why. He was worthless, he fucked everything up. He was fat and ugly and stupid, he could never do anything right. And poor Cas was probably just too nice to tell him to leave him alone, and thus had to deal with Dean’s dumb, ill-informed opinions about books he’d read in a fucking nuthouse, and Dean’s outdated taste in movies, and even getting pushed out of bed. Dean didn’t even want to think about what Alastair would have done if Dean had ever pushed him out of bed – accident or not.

 

“Dean! Look at me!” it was Sam. He was in Dean's room, starting to crouch down next to him. Dean hadn’t even heard him come in. He let go of his wrist and pulled down his sleeves quickly. 

“Oh, uh. Sam. I’m sorry, I was thinking about… the drawings.”

Sam looked at the drawings spread all around Dean. Fuck, he must look crazy. Then Sam looked up at Dean, worry in his eyes. “Are you okay?”

Dean started pulling the papers together, trying to stuff them back in their folder without much care. He wanted them out of his sight. “Yeah, yeah. Not all of them brought up particularly fond memories.”

Sam took the folder from Dean, rearranged the drawings so they’d go back in. Dean sighed. Sam was definitely going to tell mom.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“I’m going to Ash’s house on Friday. With all my old friends. And Cas, of course.” Dean told Dr. Singer.

“Do you feel comfortable about that idea?” he asked.

Dean pushed a finger into the hole in the knee of his pants. “Yeah. I mean, it’ll be good to catch up. I want to be friends with them again.”

“And that seems possible to you?”

“I’m hopeful. Jo said that they missed me,” Dean rubbed his head, “I know I’m gonna have to talk about it, if not on Friday then some other time, I mean I’m not an idiot. I know we can’t just glaze over everything I did and didn’t do to them.”

“Dean, it’s great that you’re prepared to take responsibility, but we’ve talked about this thing you have with guilt before. And I agree that you have a lot to tell them, but I also think that you don’t need to think in terms of apology necessarily. They must be confused and worried more than anything. Just like Sam, remember how you felt guilty towards him as well?” Dr. Singer said.

Dean stared harder at the skin visible through the hole in his pants, he scratched a little harder. How could he have done these things to Sammy, his parents and his friends? And fuck, why was he thinking these things again? He wanted to tell Dr. Singer. That he was feeling guilty and he was zoning out and even though he kept away from sharp items he had new scars on his wrist. But he couldn’t. He had done so much progress and he didn’t want to re-burden the therapist. And it was fucking embarrassing, the way his emotions kept toying with him. They were so unreliable. Meaning _Dean_ was unreliable.

He said something profound to Dr. Singer, also voicing some of his struggles with his treatment at school, so that Dr. Singer would think that Dean was still progressing. They didn’t go over time this afternoon for the first time since Dean had started seeing him as an out-patient. Maybe he could finally stop wasting his parents’ money, he thought while putting on his jacket. He never noticed Dr. Singer’s look that followed him out, or saw the notes he wrote on his pad, “closing up again.”


	6. Get Him to Mordor!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has lots of fun watching LOTR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written a page on my exam so I figured it was fair to write another chapter. Right?

“Are you going to be drinking?” Cas’ mom asked for the umpteenth time. 

Cas couldn’t refrain from rolling his eyes any longer, “no, mom. As far as I have been informed we are just going to watch three movies based on books by Tolkien. Even if there was alcohol I wouldn’t be drinking it.”

“Would Dean? He is driving you home, right?”

“Yes, so I imagine he would not be drinking.” Cas said, tired of his mom’s questioning. Ever since he and Dean had become friends she was much more into asking all sort of questions she never had before. Maybe because Dean was the coolest friend Cas had ever had, by a mile. Also the cutest. Heh.

Before his mom can come up with another round of questions, a horn honked outside.

“That will be him,” Cas grabbed his coat, kissed his mom on the cheek and left quickly. He was actually a little too excited. He honestly had to stop being so obvious. Gabriel’s teasing was bad enough as it was. “Bye mom!”

“Hello, Dean. How are you?” Cas asked as he got in the car.

“Good, how are you? You ready for the marathon of your life?” Dean grinned at him, and Cas could feel his cheeks widening in a responsive grin.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“There you guys are! What took you so long?” Jo said as soon as Dean opened the door to the basement. Ash’s dad had let them in and Dean already knew the way to Ash's room.

“Shut up, Jo, we’re right on time,” Dean said, closing the door after Cas, who stepped in front of him. 

“She just got here, literally thirty seconds before you two,” Garth informed them.

“Alright, are you done with your uninspired banter? Ash is done setting it up,” Pam said, taking a seat on the couch that could be pulled out to become Ash’s bed.

“Yay! Oh my god, I thought I’d never get the chance to be there while someone lost their LOTR virginity again!” Charlie jumped next to Pam, almost knocking over a bowl of Skittles.

“Yeah, trust Dean to sniff out the virgin,” Benny said and everyone laughed. How embarrassing, Cas thought to himself, so he just blushed instead of laughing. Dean coughed and threw a Skittle at Benny. 

Cas wasn’t sure where to sit, and before he was aware of what happened, Benny and Garth had taken the remaining couch seats, Ash sat on a bean bag next to it, and Jo threw herself pretty much on top of him. 

Dean sat on the floor in front of the couch and Cas figured that his seat would be next to him.

He probably sat a little too close to him, but Ash had just turned down the light and he was a little disoriented and actually ended up stepping on Dean and pretty much just falling into a spot very close next to him.

“Ow Cas, the fuck,” Dean laughed and held out a hand for Cas to not completely topple over.

“I am so sorry, it got dark,” Cas said. 

“What is it with you and getting physical with me?” Dean asked teasingly. 

“What was that?” Pam asked, “you already deflowered him, Dean?”

Cas hid his face in his hands, Dean threw more candy. “I accidentally kicked him while I was sleeping. I can assure you it was completely innocent.” Cas explained.

“Yeah, and I’m not slutty anymore,” Dean declared. Charlie mock-gasped, “who _are_ you?”

“Hey guys, quiet down. Do you all remember the rules?” Ash asked, and uhm, Cas wasn’t aware there were rules to watching these movies.

“They’re ingrained into my soul, I know them better than I know my own name,” Dean reassured him.

“Are we playing hardcore mode?” Benny asked.

“If we’re playing hardcore I’m only doing it for one movie,” Garth said.

“Garth, the regular game is hardcore mode for you, we probably need to cut you off half-way through anyway.” Benny replied.

“I am sorry, I don’t believe I have heard about these rules?” Cas finally said, looking at the others.

“Oh, right. Lord of the Rings, the drinking game. Let me recite to you the rules,” Ash listed off 9 situations that warranted the viewers to take a drink. It was only then Cas even noticed the beer cans and bottles of stuff on the table among the mountains of snacks.

“I am afraid I am unable to remember all of those rules,” Cas admitted.

“Just look at what Dean is doing,” Jo said. On to next problem.

“I have never drunk alcohol before.”

“What?”

“Cas, you’re a senior!”

“Not even, like, cider?”

“I, uh, I think I had some champagne at my sister’s graduation.”

“You don’t have to drink,” Dean said and Cas looked at him, “and you don’t have to drink every single time those things happen.”

“Yeah, if you don’t wanna drink, you obviously don’t have to,” Charlie said.

“No, I… It’s not that I don’t want to drink, I just never have, before.” Cas explained.

“Alright, go Cas!” Dean cheered, a beautiful smile on his face. Get it _together_!

“We’ll keep you strictly on beer, then,” Benny said, chuckling.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The first movie ended and Cas was definitely feeling well drunk. It seemed everyone else were at least tipsy, too. He’d never had friends like this, he almost felt like a normal American teenager.

“Alright, break time!” Pam said, getting up causing Charlie to fall to her side, where she’d been leaning up against Pam.

Cas himself was leaning quite a bit on Dean, and when he giggled at Charlie he fell even closer. Close enough to feel Dean’s breath on the side of his face as the older teen laughed too.

Then he started to get up, and in order not get a repeat of Pam and Charlie, Dean held Cas’ hand, pulling him up with him. The girls went upstairs to use the bathroom, while the guys went outside to piss in the bushes like they always did.

Garth burped and stood a little too close for Cas to feel comfortable, he gave Cas a drunk smile, “d’ya like the movie?” he asked, peeing a little on his shoe. Cas laughed. He was pretty sure Garth and he were the drunkest at the moment.

“Yes, but there is an awful lot of drinking involved.”

“Yeah, it was Charlie, Dean and Ash that came up with it a few years back.” Cas just hummed a reply.

“Dean seems to be doing good,” Garth said out of the blue, shaking and then zipping his pants back up. Cas followed suit.

“Yeah,” and then because he didn’t have time to hold it in, “what happened to him?”

Garth leaned close, not that Cas feared anyone would hear them anyway, Dean and Benny were play-wrestling on the grass, Ash cheering on both of them. 

“He had a mean boyfriend, but SSSHSHH!” Garth held a finger against his lips, and Cas put his own finger to his own lips, “sssh!”

They went back inside before they got any further in the conversation. Which Cas didn’t think to be grateful for until the next day. He sat back on the floor, though Dean was nowhere to be seen. Ash was fiddling with the next DVD. 

“I need to drink water, alcohol really fucks with me in the days after. You know, since… everything,” Dean said to Charlie who appeared right behind Dean at the top of the stairs. 

“Yeah, makes sense, I mean, it is a depressant and everything,” Charlie said.

Dean put a pitcher of water on the table poured some into a solo cup and sat down next to Cas. Finally. Uh, okay, stop being so desperate.

He didn’t even think about it, but right after Dean had taken a sip, Cas just reached for the cup to take a sip as well. 

“You want your own?” Dean asked, but Cas shook his head.

“No, I wanna share,” Cas kept smiling. 

The sequel was playing and Cas had forgotten all about beer, so he actually got to watch that one. 

“Oh, that’s Gollum! He was in the Hobbit, right?” Cas recognized the odd character.

“Yeah, I thought you’d fallen asleep before he was introduced actually,” Dean said.

“No, but it wasn’t long after.”

“Uhm, do you guys mean to tell me you have regularly movie nights and you don’t even invite us?” Jo said.

“Hey, he’s your friend too, and somehow it’s become _my_ responsibility to educate him cinematically? What the fuck are you guys doing?” Dean turned to look at the Jo who’d relocated to the couch.

“Excuse me. We’re educating him on urban dictionary definitions,” Jo held up a finger to sass up her point and Dean laughed.

“What the hell is wrong with you guys, you make him sound like he’s mentally deficient or something!” Ash said.

“Uh, hello, he’s never seen the Lord of the Rings!” Dean said, earning laughs, and an elbow to the ribs.

“I’m sorry, Cas, I’m just kidding. I think we all know you’re the smartest one here. Or like, top two at least, since Ash is here.” Dean looked at Cas earnestly. Oh, how pretty he was. They kept eye contact for too long, but luckily everyone were too busy arguing whether ‘Frodo looked like he was jizzing himself' and they had to drink or not.

Without breaking eye contact or even thinking about what he was doing Cas placed his hand on Dean’s knee, which he had pulled up close to his chin. Dean grabbed Cas’ cheek gently, a faintly caressing touch.

And without even thinking about it, but this time breaking eye contact in favor of closing their eyes, they lightly pressed their lips together, just for a few seconds. Dean kept looking at Cas, and Cas indulged in a little eye contact bfore looking up at the people on the couch. It looked like Dean and Cas had had the moment to themselves, as everyone else were pouring shots of Jack. 

Before anything else could happen Cas phone started vibrating in his pocket. Upon looking at the screen he saw that his mom was calling him, and that she had a very good reason, it was 2am! He felt a little guilty, this was such a Gabriel move of him.

He answered the phone while excusing himself to go outside. “Hey, mom. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how late it was,” luckily he was only tipsy now due to all the water Dean had made him drink.

“Hello Castiel. I was getting really worried. Next time please call, okay?” his mom said on the other end.

“Yes, of course. I didn’t mean to worry you, I am so sorry, mom. I’ll ask Dean to drive me home,” Cas said.

“Why don’t you spend the night? It’s so late already,” she suggested.

“Uhm, okay. Thanks mom. And I’m sorry. I’ll see you tomorrow. Goodnight.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

When Cas woke up the next day his tongue felt like someone had coated it with a towel. He was lying on what seemed to be a sun chair cushion, and across from him he could see Ash sleeping in what looked to be a very uncomfortable position in the bean bag.

He lifted his head and could hear some voices from outside. He turned and could see the door had been left open and Pam, Jo and Dean had to be standing nearby outside, probably smoking. Cas couldn’t really deal with standing or even sitting up, so he just stayed where he was, staring at the open door.

“I fucking hate you right now, you used to be at _least_ as hungover as me!” Jo’s joking voice carried to Cas.

Then Dean laughed, “yeah, I’m not really supposed to be drinking, so…”

“Does it make you depressed? … or more depressed or whatever?” Pam asked.

“Yeah, something like that. I mean, I don’t need to drink alcohol to get fucked up, I’m already there,” he huffed a bitter laugh.

“You’re not fucked up. Someone did something really fucked up to you.” Pam said assertively.

Then the sound of shoes twisting on gravel, as they finished smoking and stepped on the cigarette butts. Cas really didn’t understand why he found the fact that Dean smoked so sexy. It really shouldn’t be. But he really liked the way his leather jacket smelled like leather and tobacco, and how he looked with a cigarette behind his ear when he was on his way out for a smoke break. The danger of it all!

They walked back inside, Jo closing the door after them. Dean toed off the slippers he’d borrowed, likely from Ash's dad it looked like, and sat down next to Cas. And that’s when he remembered. They’d _both_ slept on that cushion. Oh gosh, how close had they been sleeping? Cas wasn’t even too worried about any of the others having seen them, he was too preoccupied with disappointment at having slept so close to Dean and having been too knocked out to remember.

“How’re you feeling?” Dean said with an amused smile tugging at his lips.

“Ugh,” Cas just groaned. Dean smile was almost too bright, Cas thought cheesily.

Dean laughed. Then Charlie opened the door at the top of the stairs, “breakfast's ready, bitches!”

Ash woke with a snort, “food!” he just said and was up the stairs before anyone even realized what had happened. Pam and Jo, who were the only ones down there besides the two boys, left too, not even noticing that Dean and Cas were still on the cushion.

“You want breakfast?” Dean asked, and Cas felt a soothing hair stroking his hair. He leaned into it.

“Mmm, yes, please. Will there be coffee?” Cas finally sat up. Everything swam for a second.

“You betcha,” Dean said, standing up and holding a hand out to help Cas, for which he was grateful.

He was walking behind Dean as they ascended the stairs (still holdings hands, which, uhm… well, Cas wasn’t going to complain), and then he suddenly  
remembered and stopped dead in his tracks. It caused him to drop Dean’s hand so Dean turned to look at him.

“We, uh… We kissed. Last night,” Cas said, looking incredulously at Dean. He just raised his eyebrows and took Cas' hand back in his, “yeah, I know.”

“You weren’t even drunk last night,” Cas said, starting to walk again when Dean pulled on his hand.

“Were you? When we kissed, I mean?”

And Cas hadn’t even been. He’d been a little tipsy, but… Definitely not drunk. What did this all mean? He really had to call Anna when he got home!

They walked into the kitchen and Cas saw the biggest mountain of bacon he’d seen in his entire life.

“Here!” Charlie said, way too energized. She handed Cas a giant mug of coffee. Maybe Cas should kiss her too.

“How are you so… not hungover?” Cas said, sitting on a chair next to Garth, who was lying with his arms on the island top and his face hidden in the crooks of his elbows as he continued sleeping.

“She’s still drunk,” Benny said.

“So are you, did you guys even go to bed?” Dean said, as laid a hand on Benny’s shoulder and sat down next to him.

Benny grinned, “got a good two hours.”

“Jesus.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dean dropped Cas off at home around noon, and by then he luckily was not too affected anymore.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Dean said, and Cas nodded. Before he left the car, Dean put a hand on his thigh and kissed his cheek briefly. And excuse me, what?! These things didn't happen to Cas, he was a nerd who talked way too formally and wore a _trench coat_! That he'd picked out himself! Cas was left to look after the Impala in a daze, hand on his cheek. So unfair, Cas wanted to kiss Dean’s face too.

“What are you doing?” Gabriel yelled from an open window behind him. Cas turned around and realized which window. 

“Gabriel! Get out of my room!” he stomped up the path to the front door, hearing Gabriel mock-squealing. 

“Was that Dean’s car I heard?” Gabriel was lying on Cas bed.

“Yes.”

“Did you spend the night with him again? Did you finally lose your virginity to that sexy little minx?” Gabriel smirked.

“No! We… We had a party and then a sleepover.” Castiel lied down next to Gabriel, still exhausted.

Gabriel gasped, “did you _drink_ last night?! You rascal!”

Cas smiled shyly. Then turned over on his stomach, resting on his elbows to look at Gabriel who was lying on his back.

“Dean kissed me. He wasn’t even drunk.” Gabriel sat up in a rush.

“So _he’s_ the rascal?” Gabriel said jokingly. Cas rolled his eyes and dialed Anna on speaker phone.


	7. Baby, It's Cold Outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is struggling quite a bit and Cas is trying to give him space. Dean doesn't seem to know if he wants space or not.

He’d only had a few beers, but his mood was definitely suffering. He’d spent the rest of the weekend moping in his bed. Moping for him meant, of course, spiraling into an abyss of self-loathing and hurting himself. It was Tuesday and he still felt inexplicably sad and purposeless. More so than usual, Dean was always feeling a little purposeless.

He’d remember the kiss with regular intervals, and he’d either feel uplifted, hopeful and in love, or he’d feel embarrassed, self-doubting and just _wrong_. 

“I was drinking this weekend. You know, with all my friends, we played a drinking game. I didn’t really follow the rules, because I knew it wasn’t a good idea to be drinking, but I still feel more depressed,” Dean told Dr. Singer.

“Yeah, drinking is definitely not a good idea for you right now.” He confirmed. Dean stared at the really old rug the therapist had on the floor in his office. He wondered what color it’d been when it was new. Ew. He pulled his socked feet onto the couch, resting his head on his knees.

“Are you struggling more than usual? Or are you using some of the coping mechanisms you were taught in the hospital?” Dr. Singer then asked.

“Uhm… Well, I’m trying. I just… I feel like I’m doubting everything a lot lately. Like myself and stuff.” Dean said, eye caught on a loose thread on the carpet.

He could see Dr. Singer nod out of the corner of his eye, and then scribble something on his pad.

Dr. Singer then started asking about Dean’s family and how it was seeing his friends again. That was simple enough.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

They’d been assigned a partner-assignment in English, and Dean and Cas had obviously jumped at the opportunity to work together. They’d scooted their desks together, and Cas was scribbling furiously next to him, nose almost touching the paper. Dean was staring at the whiteboard.

He wasn’t even thinking about anything, not consciously. In his head pictures kept flashing by. At first related to Cas, and especially the kiss. Dean didn’t know if he’d screwed up. Then his thoughts went downhill, circling around his last relationship. He saw Alastair’s house, his bedroom, he saw the sneer, he almost heard his voice when he yelled, when he told Dean he was worthless. His fist, stained with Dean's blood.

Dean could barely breathe, Mrs. Missouri was shaking him and Cas was clutching his arm. He was still sitting in second period AP English. “Dean!” Missouri yelled.

“Yeah,” Dean started quietly, he noticed he was shaking. He held up his hands to let them know he was okay, to make them let go. “Yeah, yeah, I’m okay, I’m sorry,” he said, trying to sound calm. Probably failing miserably.

Mrs. Missouri was looking him directly in the eye. “You go to the school nurse, right now.” Dean wouldn’t have argued whether she’d used that tone or not. 

“You,” she said pointing at Cas, “you go with him.”

“It’s not necessary, Mrs. Missouri. I’ll be okay.” Dean said, but she was having none of it and before long the two boys were walking down the empty hallway in silence.

“Dean?” Cas began quietly. Dean looked at him. “What happened?”

“I don’t know, I was zoning out. I guess I zoned too far out or whatever.” Dean shrugged.

“Was it an anxiety attack?” Cas asked, and that… would make total sense. Well, that was new. He thought he was over that chapter.

“Yeah, that sound plausible,” Dean said, and felt Cas grab his hand to make him stop walking.

“Have you not had anxiety attacks before?” he asked earnestly. Dean hated it. He didn’t deserve his concern. He wanted both for Cas to hug him very, very tightly, and for him to never look at Dean again.

He shrugged, “I don’t know. I mean, it happened once or twice _months_ ago. I just zone out sometimes.”

Cas opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again. Then:

“Are you getting the help you need?”

Dean huffed. How was he supposed to answer that? Dr. Singer was great, he’d helped him more than Dean had imagined possible, but he wasn’t really open to it anymore.

“Sure, Cas. Don’t worry about me.”

“How can I not? There is obviously something going on. I don’t want to pry, but I just really hope you’re getting the support you need!” Cas sounded desperate. It had to be hard hanging out with someone everyone was talking about, and then not even knowing what they were talking about. Dean kind of wished his friends or Sam or even fucking Dick, whoever, had told Cas. Dean didn’t know how to begin.

“I thought you didn’t care about my past?” Dean fed Cas his own words, what he’d told Dick in the restroom that one time.

“I _care_! Of course I care, Dean, but I know it’s not my place to pry. If you want to tell me, I really want to hear it, but if you’re not ready… Do not pressure yourself.”

“Yeah. Listen, Cas, I think I can make it to the nurse’s office from here,” Dean said. Why was he such an asshole? Why couldn’t he just be normal, and not get anxiety attacks in the middle of class?

“No, Dean, please let me take you,” he said, still as desperate as before.

Dean hated himself, “really, Cas. I’m fine. I’ll see you later.” 

He didn’t go to the nurse’s office – he got in his Impala and just drove off for the rest of the day.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“Dean! Oh my god, where have you been?” Mary came running as soon as Dean opened the front door. He got one boot off before he had an armful of mom.

“I’m sorry, mom. I didn’t mean to worry you,” he said against her hair.

She let him go, and he took off his other boot and his coat, before following his mom into the living room.

“There you are. Where the HELL have you BEEN all day?!” John yelled and Dean couldn’t breathe for a second.

“I’m so sorry, I couldn’t deal with school so I left to go for a drive and I guess I lost track of time, I’m so sorry, dad!” Dean said, hands held up in surrender.

“We’ve been worried sick!” John calmed down and sat on the couch then, “you have to understand that with everything that happened you can’t just disappear like that. You can understand why we get worried, can’t you? We don’t know whether you’ve gone for a drive or a date or if… If you’re lying dead somewhere!” John’s voice shook a bit by the end, and Dean could feel his lower lip quiver. Fucking great, why would he go a whole day without crying anyway?

“I know, I realize that. I-I really didn’t mean to.”

Mary sat down next to John, “we got a call from your school. They told us you’d been sent to the nurse’s office, but never arrived.”

“Yeah, uh… I just… kind of freaked out during English.” He really didn’t want to discuss it. He wanted to go to his room, have a cigarette out of the window and then sleep for a week or two.

“What happened?” Sam joined them then.

Dean sighed, “I don’t know. I think it was, like, an anxiety attack or whatever. ‘S what Cas said anyway.”

“You really freaked him out, you know. He called me after school,” Sammy said making Dean want to literally disappear from existence.

“I’ll call him back.”

“You’re having anxiety attacks? Dean, I thought you were doing _better_? Do you need to have another appointment with Dr. Singer a week?”

“No, no! I’m okay, it just… It happens. It happened in the hospital twice. The nurses said it was normal.” 

“So you’re doing okay?” Mary asked.

“Yeah!”

“Can I see you arms?” she asked, looking worried, and regretful over the fact she had to ask. Dean felt like fucking shit that she had to as well. He also felt fucking scared, because he only had one clean arm to show her.

He faked an exasperated eye roll, sighed dramatically while pulling up his right sleeve. The skin was disrupted by so many white lines, but at least they were all white. 

“See? I’m fine! Just a bad day,” he said and turned to go upstairs.

“Hold up,” John said and Dean froze. He was begging God to not let them ask to see the other one. Or his thighs.

“Dinner’s ready in two minutes,” an egg-timer went off the same moment Dean let out a breath of relief. “Or now.” They all chuckled like a happy family. It really had been looking like that was where Dean was headed just a few weeks ago, but now he was fucking everything up again, because that was apparently the only thing he was good for. He pressed his nails into his hand.

“So guess what I heard,” Sam said during dinner, looking at Dean.

“I heard that you and Cas kissed,” he said giving Dean a fucking annoying smirk, and Dean’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Fuck that, who told you that? That’s a total lie!” He said the last part looking at his parents.

“Cas did.” Fuck’s sake. Dean could literally feel the blush covering his face inch by inch.

His mom smiled knowingly at him, “and you just fell asleep ‘totally by accident’” she mocked Dean.

He pointed a finger at her and smiled despite himself: “hey, we did! No ulterior motives here.”

They all laughed again. 

When Dean was helping his mom clear the table and putting everything in the dishwasher she gave him a serious look, “he’s a good boy, Dean.”

Dean wasn’t sure she meant. That Dean shouldn’t fuck him up too? Or that Cas was totally out of his league? As if he didn't already know that.

“I can’t help but feel grateful that you’ve met him,” she finished. Dean smiled slightly, and pulled her to his side in a one-armed hug, kissing her hair. “Me either, mom. Me either.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean was just about to call Cas back. He had a lot of explaining, he felt, and a lot of apologizing to do. Before he could find the right contact his phone rang showing Jo’s name on the screen.

“Hey Jo. ‘Sup?” Dean said, foregoing his homework to sit on his desk to smoke out the window.

“I heard you spazzed out in second period.” She said going straight to the point.

“You’ve always been so diplomatic,” Dean mumbled, struggling to get his lighter out of his pocket. 

“Shut up. What happened, are you okay?” she sounded genuinely worried. Dean dropped his lighter out the window.

“Fucking hell. Hold on,” he mumbled around the cigarette. He put the phone down to reach for the little wooden box he’d made with his dad in third grade. It was on the very top shelf of his bookcase, strategically placed out of sight, out of mind. Dean hadn’t told anyone about it, and he had not yet felt ready to get rid of it. He pulled a lighter out of it and left it on the floor.

Getting back into place, he picked up his cigarette and phone. “You were saying?”

“The anxiety attack? You okay?” Jo reminded him.

“Right! Yeah, I don’t know happened there. I’m fine though, really.” He exhaled the first drag.

“Hm. Okay. Everyone was really worried, you know,” she said. Then they started talking about other things for which Dean was grateful. He had missed Jo so fucking much. Missed all of them so fucking much.

They finally hung up about 45 minutes later. Dean called Cas immediately after, eyes drifting to the wooden box while he waited for Cas to pick up. Dean really hoped he hadn’t changed his mind about wanting to be Dean’s… friend.

“Hello, Dean.” 

“Cas! Jesus, I am so sorry! You know, about how I acted at school and for just disappearing like that.” 

“You gave a lot of people quite a scare, Dean. Myself included.” Cas said. Dean could feel tears prickling in his eyes.

“I know, I’m so, so sorry. Fuck, I fucking hate myself for it, I don’t know what I was thinking.” Dean blurted out.

“I understand, Dean. I only wished you had told me that you were taking off. I can understand why you would want to be alone after that,” Cas reassured Dean.

Dean groaned, “I’m so fucking stupid, you know? Like I always overreact and take off or something. I should have just talked to you.”

“I should have stayed with you,” Cas said determinedly on the other end.

“Cas, please. I’m sorry. Do you want to come over?”

“It is a school night,” Cas said, like Dean didn’t know. He had, however, momentarily forgotten what a dork Cas was. He told Cas the exact same thing.

“I’ll be there at 9.” Cas said, reassuring Dean that Gabriel could give him a ride.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean was sitting at his desk looking in the wooden box. There were three joints, a few razor blades and a bag with a few pills. If Dean remembered correctly it was ecstasy. There was also a list of all his flaws that Dean had started only two weeks after meeting Alastair. 

When there was a knock on his door, he hurried to put the box under a pile of laundry and he hoped he’d wiped his tears well enough.

It was Benny that came through the door, “you and Sam switched rooms? What the hell?”

Dean stayed in his seat, “yeah, I couldn’t sleep in there, man. Not after everything. The balcony gave me fucking nightmares.”

“Hm. What the fuck happened, Dean? You can’t sleep in your own room and now you’re getting anxiety attacks in the middle of class,” Benny got straight to the point. He sat down on Dean’s bed. Dean rubbed his eyes. God, he wanted to tell him. Everything. And the others too, he just wanted them to know. But fuck, he didn’t want to talk about it.

He shook his head, not sure how much to get into it right now, “it was just really fucking bad. You know, the things he did to me.” He lifted his head to look at Benny.

“Yeah, made you do some pretty fucking bad things to yourself as well, huh, brotha?” Dean could _cry_ over hearing Benny call him that again.

“You don’t even know,” Dean said.

“But you’re dealing with it, right? You’re getting help?” Benny asked, then continued, “I understand you were in the hospital all summer, like a mental hospital?” Dean nodded so the bigger boy continued, “but you’re obviously still struggling quite a bit.”

Dean clenched his teeth, he really didn’t want to cry. Not anymore and not now. “Yeah, I’m seeing a therapist once a week.”

Benny walked over to Dean and sat on the desk. “I get that we’ve only just started talking again after a very long time, but, Dean? Please, if you need to talk to someone, I am here for you. 100%, just like before. Alright? And so is everyone in the squad.” He rested his big paw on Dean’s shoulder and he felt instantly more relaxed. 

He nodded, “yeah, okay. Thanks Benny.” Then the doorbell rang. “That’ll be Cas,” Dean declared getting out of his chair.

“Hang on just a second, man. Are you and Cas… you know?” he gestured with his head and wiggled his eyebrows.

Dean rolled his eyes, “no, I don’t think Cas is the type to give it up on the first date. Besides my therapist encouraged me to ‘tone down the promiscuity’” Dean made the accompanying air quotes.

Benny roared with laughter, “that wasn’t even what I meant. I realize all that, I just meant if you guys had something going on.”

Dean was walking down the stairs, Benny right behind him, by then. “I thought that was quite obvious,” he mumbled, then opened the door and couldn’t help but fucking _beam_ at Cas, who was fucking _beaming_ back at him. 

“I’ll say,” said Benny and slipped out passed Cas, “see ya, Cas.”

“Oh! Uh, good evening, Benny.” He looked confusedly at Benny’s back, then at Dean.

“He just came over to see if I was okay.” Dean explained. Cas nodded and took off his hideous trench coat. How could that even be warm enough anymore, it was the middle of December!

“And are you?” Cas asked.

“Well, I feel like a fucking asshole, but other than that, yeah.” Dean said following Cas up the stairs and into his room.

“Are you, though?” Cas’s eyes never left Dean even as he took place on Dean’s bed. Dean sat down next to him.

He was quiet for a little while. Contemplating actually telling Cas. Hell, he’d lied to enough people for one night.

“Well, I- I guess, I’m not. Not really.” Dean admitted, eyes anywhere but meeting Cas’.

Cas looked at Dean for a moment before answering, “you think it’s because you drank on the weekend?”

Dean shook his head, finally looking at Cas. He wiped his mouth, “nah, it was even before then. But it definitely wasn’t a good idea.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas offered.

“It’s my own fault, I coulda just had soda.” He shrugged.

“What’s going on, Dean?”

Dean looked at Cas, then down at his hands. “I’m not sure. It’s just… A lot of anxiety. And thoughts, like my head just won’t shut up.” Dean leaned back to lie down. Cas guided his head so it came to rest in his lap, then started carding his hands through Dean’s hair.

“You’re thinking about harming yourself?” Cas looked down at Dean. Dean met his eye for a moment, then rubbed his hands over his face, before letting them rest on his stomach. He couldn’t do anything to stop the tears this time; they just slipped down the sides of his face, probably darkening Cas’ pants.

Dean didn’t say anything, but when Cas caressed his face, probably to wipe at a stray tear, he started sobbing.

He sat back up and Cas pulled him close before Dean could even begin to resist. “I’m so sorry, Cas. I can understand if you don’t want to hang out with me anyway. Bet you didn’t realize what a fucking mess I am before you got involved.” Dean said against Cas’ shoulder.

“I am not going anywhere, Dean. You are the best friend I have ever had, and I thoroughly enjoy your company.” Dean started sobbing again. After a little while he stopped again, but the two boys kept sitting how they were, in an embrace.

Dean was the one to pull away, “Cas, can I ask you to do something for me?”

“Of course, Dean, anything,” he reassured his hurt friend. Dean was hit with how wonderful Cas was, and he pressed a light kiss to his lips. Cas caught Dean’s face and pulled him softly to his lips once more before letting him go.

“I have this old box. Like an ex-boyfriend box, you know?” Cas nodded that he was familiar with that. “Yeah, uhm, this one’s… It’s not good for me to have it around. But I haven’t been able to get rid off it. Would you take it? Throw it away for me?”

“Sure. Whatever you need,” Cas promised. Dean smiled tearfully and got up.

He found the box from under the pile of laundry and brought it to Cas. He took it in his hands.

“Can I open it?”

“Yeah, of course. Here,” Dean pulled on the clasp and opened the box.

Cas gasped when he saw the razors. The light reflected on them. “What is this?” he held up the little bag of pills.

“I don’t remember, I think it’s ecstasy. Definitely drugs. Alastair sold it.” Dean told him. 

“What about this?” this time he was holding the folded piece of paper.

“Alastair said some pretty harsh things about me. I believed them… wrote them down so I could work on changing them. Or something. I don't know what the fuck my thought process was the whole time I was with Alastair.”

Cas frowned, then reached out for Dean’s face, caressing it once more. His fingers traced his cheekbone, slipped over his full lips, finally just holding his jaw for a second.

“I’m sorry that this happened to you. Even if I don’t know what it was. It was obviously very traumatic.”

“I wish I could tell you, Cas. You deserve to know. It’s just- I…” Dean trailed off.

Cas put the items back in the box and closed it, “you’re not ready. I understand. Like you weren’t ready to throw this out,” he lifted the box an inch to indicate what he talked about.

“Thanks for being so understanding. I don’t understand how you do it.” Dean said fingers trailing over Cas’.

“I- uhm, I had a sister go through some traumatic things too. Not exactly relationship-related, but she spend most of her adolescence in and out of psychiatric wards.”

Dean was happy to be talking about something else, and it was as if Cas knew it. “I’m sorry. What happened?”

“She had an eating disorder. Or multiple, actually. It was kind of a cycle. She self-harmed too.”

Dean frowned, “what do you mean ‘too’?” 

Cas looked surprised, “I… Well, I saw the scars, the razor blades, I just-“

“Well, don’t ‘just’ anything. Why would you bring that up?” Dean spat.

“I didn’t, or-or I wasn’t trying to at least,” Cas said looking confused and desperate.

“Oh, so it’s _my_ fault?” Dean asked standing up. Cas followed suit. 

“No! Dean, I wasn’t trying to pass judgment or anything, I just meant-“

“I don’t care, Cas! Just FUCKING LEAVE!” Dean briefly considered snatching the box back from Cas, but fortunately was self-preserving enough to refrain. Yeah, _sooo_ self-preserving. Way to go.

Cas didn’t say anything. He just looked sad and made Dean wish he’d kept at least one of those razors, then he turned and left. Dean stayed standing in the middle of his room. He could hear Cas walking down the stairs, heard him say “goodnight, mr. and mrs. Winchester. And you, Sam.” Then “I seem to have upset him, I will give him the space he needs.” Then nothing for about a minute and then the door opening and closing. Dean looked out the window at Cas. Who now didn’t have a ride home. FUCK! Dean opened the window. 

“Cas, hold on!” he called, and the dark-haired teen turned around. Dean gestured that’d he’d be right there, then ran downstairs, throwing on his dad’s slippers and someone’s sweater.

“Dean, what-“ Cas sounded so careful.

“Come on, I’ll give you a ride.” Dean said gruffly. He knew he had to apologize, and he had better fucking start.

“What happened?” Cas asked, and Dean stopped in front of his car, not unlocking it.

“I’m sorry. FUCK, I don’t know what the fuck is happening. I’m sorry, Cas, do you wanna stay?”

Cas smiled at Dean. Just a small smile, but no less warming. “No, I think it’s best I go. But some other time.”

Dean nodded, “some other time.” Then unlocked the car. Then it started snowing.


	8. Yule Tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gingerbread house-building and innuendos that fly over Cas' head. What could be better? Certainly the shitty news Sam has for him after New Year's.

Cas was squinting at his locker. How had it even gotten to that state? He was supposed to be the anal little brother that talked too formally and kept his things organized. Yeah, no, not on that last one. He sighed and put his satchel on the ground. Someone promptly tripped over it. Cas turned around to see familiar chestnut brown hair, “Gabriel! I do apologize.”

“Fucking satchel, I knew it’d kill someone one day,” Gabriel muttered starting to get up.

“Fucking ugly-ass satchel,” someone bid in, and Cas and Gabriel both turned to see Dean walking towards them with Sam and a blonde girl in tow.

“Dean, be nice! It’s very practical,” Sam said.

“Well, maybe I’ll get you one for Christmas,” Dean smiled evilly and Sam started to backpedal, “oh, but my backpack works perfectly fine, there’s really no reason to-“

“Don’t bother, Sam. I understand my choice of bag is quite offensive to a lot of people.”

“Yeah, your choice of outerwear too, little brother,” Gabriel said, slinging his arms around Cas’ trench coat-clad shoulders.

Cas just rolled his eyes, “did you want something?”

“Yeah, I just came to tell you I’m not giving you a ride home, I’m going to… What was her name… Sabrina? I don’t remember. Anyway, I’m going to her house, so you have to take the bus.”

“What?! Gabriel, you must be joking. I have to bring home all my books, and can barely even carry them!” Cas said, exasperated.

“Then stop being such a fucking nerd, and take a class that’s not AP. How about art? Pencils aren’t too heavy, I imagine.” Gabriel started walking away.

“I _am_ taking art, and that’s the class I have the heaviest books for!” he yelled helplessly after his older brother.

“Cas, we can give you a ride,” Dean offered. Cas looked at the three people standing around him.

“Are you sure? Do you have room?” Cas was also trying to make sure that Dean _wanted_ to give him a ride. They hadn’t really hung out since Dean’s mini blow-up, and Cas just really wanted to spend time with Dean. And yeah, it had only been a week, but Cas had never had a crush before, okay? Maybe he was a little thirsty. Charlie had called him that.

“Yeah, of course. I mean, I know we’re both taking AP classes and have a ton of books, and that Sam has a giant ass but I’m sure we’ll find room for you,” Dean grinned.

“Hey! I do not!” Sam hit Dean on the arm and Dean instantly returned it causing a really pathetic-looking, but hilarious nonetheless, fight between the two brothers.

Castiel gave the blonde girl – whom he assumed to be Jess, the girl Sam wouldn’t shut up about – a mock-exasperated look, “Winchesters. Am I right?”

She looked confused and intimidated (a senior was talking to _her_ , a freshman!) for a second, before giggling and nodding.  
“We can hear you, you know!” Dean yelled, catching both of Sam’s arms to cease his slapping.

“Let me go, you big jerk!” Sam yelled and Dean just laughed. Cas gave Jess another look while shaking his head, making her giggle again. Then he went back to finding the things he needed to bring home in the mess that was his locker.

Before Dean dropped him off at home Cas got to ask if he was coming to Charlie’s to make Christmas decorations later that night. Dean confirmed that he’d be there.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

There had been no promise, as a matter of fact it hadn’t even been brought up, but two minutes before Cas was going to ask his mom to drive him to Charlie's house, he heard the familiar honk of the Impala outside.

“Your boyfriend is here!” his mom sing-songed and Cas gave her a glare, “mahm! Please!” He whined. Quickly grabbing his coat and stepping into his shoes without bothering to put them on properly, Cas left, yelling “see you later!” over his shoulder.

They got there fast enough as, apparently, Charlie lived in the same neighborhood as Cas.

Dean turned off the engine and turned to look at Cas. Cas just looked right back at him. There were still a lot of explanations that needed to be voiced between them, probably an apology or two, but they had time, they had all the time they needed. Somehow Cas just knew that Dean wasn’t going anywhere. He just needed time. 

They looked at each other for a brief moment and Cas couldn’t tell you who made the first move, but suddenly they were making out. They were making out! Hear that? Castiel was _making out_ in a _car_! With DEAN!

He wasn’t sure how long they were in there but it couldn’t have been long. They were interrupted by Benny knocking on the window on Cas’ side.

“Oh fuck!” Dean exclaimed and pulled back, making Cas almost fall forwards. “Who?” Cas said intelligently, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

“Quit making out! We have a gingerbread house to build!” Benny's voice was slightly muffled through the window, even though he was yelling. Cas was not ready to meet his eyes so he looked behind him, only to notice Ash and Jo laughing hysterically from their places on the sidewalk.

“That’s just grand,” Dean mumbled but when Cas looked at him, he saw a glint in his eyes and a hidden smile on his lips. Cas leaned right over to peck it into view.

“There you guys are,” Charlie said as if they weren’t all there five minutes before they were invited to.

“You’re never gonna guess what we caught these two doing in front of your house!” Benny’s voice boomed and Cas took his time and then some to take off his shoes and coat. Dean just gave him a smile to say that is was okay.

“Who was bottoming?” Pam asked nonchalantly from her seat on the kitchen counter.

Dean groaned, “aw come on!”

“Yeah, seriously, Pam. Now it’s not that exciting anymore. They were just making out,” Jo said with a lift of her shoulder. She popped a wine gum into her mouth.

Charlie squealed, “are you guys, like, an item now?” Cas looked awkwardly at Dean and wasn’t it peculiar how he’d never been that affected by awkwardness until he met Dean?

Dean scratched the back of his head.

Charlie lifted her eyebrows, “oh kay… I get it.”

“Anyhoo!” Ash interrupted, “I made eggnog and hot chocolate. I figured we’d just spike it in our own mugs since not everyone is drinking.”

Dean shot him a grateful look.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Cas wandered into the living room, which was attached by French doors to the dinner room where they were to make decorations (but really play nerdy quiz games or humiliating drinking games). He fingered a title on the bookshelf and admired the fireplace while he could hear his friends bantering in the kitchen.

Cas just had time to think that he’d never been this content, before he felt a hand in his. When he turned to look at Dean, his hands slipped behind Cas’ back and he thought that NOW he’d never felt so content.

 

The icing bag was far out of Cas’ control, and he really wasn’t to blame for the splatter that dripped onto Garth’s pants. Garth tipped over in his chair, trying to get out of the line of fire – or icing, and sent gumdrops flying everywhere. 

Cas muttered a quiet “oops.”

That made Benny roar with laughter and the bigger teen clapped him hard on the shoulder, making him squirt white icing all over the table. Then everyone was laughing.

“Oh my god, someone take that icing bag away from him, I can’t handle it!” Dean said, apparently as a joke, because everyone just laughed harder. Cas hurriedly put the bag down on the table.

“I’m sorry, Charlie. I’ll take the tablecloth home and wash it if you want,” Castiel looked apologetically at Charlie, but she didn’t exactly look mad as she had tears streaming down her face from laughing.

“N-no! don’t wo-ha-orry!” she started to calm down.

Benny clapped him on the shoulder again, this time a little more carefully “you just made Dean a very frustrated man,” he laughed. Cas honestly didn’t get it. Did Dean not care for messiness? But he was always throwing candy and diverse things at other people. 

He must’ve looked as confused as he felt because Dean looked at him from his seat, across the table and three chairs down, mouthing, “don’t worry about it.” Then winking at him. Cas smiled to himself and blushed slightly.

When it was time to go home they made out a little more in Dean’s car in front of Cas’ house and Dean kissed him gently on his front step before saying goodnight anyway.

Cas had it _bad_.

“You have it _bad_ ,” Gabriel said when Cas opened the front door.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“Hey, Cas,” Gabriel walked into Cas’ room. He looked up from his latest European Lit club book, Crime and Punishment.

“So how serious are you and that hunk you call Dean? You gonna let him pop your cherry?” Gabriel threw himself on the bed next to Cas.

“Gabriel! No, we’re not… We are not together,” Cas said, looking down at the open pages of his book. He secured the bookmark before closing the book. 

“Hmm… Well, I heard some interesting things you might want to hear,” Gabriel said, sounding worried more than teasing. Castiel sat up.

“If it’s about the hospital stay and the abusive ex, I am already aware,” Cas said suspiciously. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what Gabriel knew. Gabriel had a funny way of getting information, getting it from different sources and then weaving together the truth out of that. Darn him and his Gemini-ways.

“You know he was in the hospital because he tried to… you know, kill himself?” Gabriel made a cutting throat gesture.

Cas looked at the closed book in his hands, “well, he didn’t say it in so many words, but I saw the scars. There are even more than Anna’s.” Gabriel reached around and put an arm around his shoulder.

“From what I got he was pretty fucking damaged by that psychopath. Some say that they didn’t even catch the psycho before he was gone.” Cas looked at Gabe’s hand that came to a rest on his knee. It felt comforting. So he began to cry.

“Cas,” Gabriel said softly. Cas nodded, “I’m trying to be patient, to let him tell me when he’s ready, but he has clearly been through hell. And, I think, is still going through it. I wish I could help more.”

“You’re doing it again. Just like back when it was Anna. It’s not your responsibility. You can be a caring brother or boyfriend or friend or whatever the fuck, but don’t take it upon yourself. He’s sick and needs professional help – which, as I understand it, he is already getting,” Cas nodded a confirmation, “it’s not up to you to save everybody, little bro.”

Cas wiped his tears, “I know. Thanks for reminding me.” He looked gratefully at Gabriel.

“No problem. Anna comes home in two days. You should talk to her.” 

“I will.” Cas promised. When had his life gotten so complicated that he needed advice from BOTH of his siblings on the SAME matter???

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Cas did talk to Anna, almost the minute she was home. Her room had been made into a home gym (how cliché) so she was relocated to Cas room on the mattress from the guest bed. The guest bedroom was being repainted. Wasn’t that just convenient? Not that Cas minded, not at all. He didn’t even mind it when Gabriel said that maybe he’d move in there with them, and it’d be like when they were kids. He didn’t do it, “I watch too much porn for that, it won’t be the same,” he’d said with a flick of his hand.

Anna, Gabe, Cas and their mother were all watching Elf when Gabriel decided to stop being ‘nice for once’.

“Anna, did Cassie tell you he and Deany-boy made out?” he wiggled his eyebrows.

“What!” she pretty much screamed and turned her head with such speed Gabriel was hit in the face by her red locks. Served him right.

Their mom looked at Cas too, “yeah, what?”

Cas looked at his mom then at Anna, then decided, ultimately, on the screen where Buddy was eating spaghetti covered in syrup.

“I-I didn’t… It’s not a big deal,” Cas mumbled.

“Oh my god! Do you love him?” Anna squealed, sitting on her knees and turned towards Cas.

“No, well, yeah, I love him as my friend. Which is what he is. We’re just friends,” he coughed uncomfortably.

“Ann, have you met him yet?” their mother asked. Anna shook her head.

“Well, he’s quite easy on the eyes,” she smirked. Even his own mother.

“The _ass_ on that boy! Could bounce a nickel off it!” Gabriel exclaimed.

“His face is very symmetrical,” Cas provided solemnly when Anna just kept looking at him with a smile that was starting to look psychotic.

She sat back down just as easy as she had gotten up on her knees, and took her hot cocoa from the table, “well, I can’t wait to meet him,” she smirked, giving Cas a knowing side-glance. He wasn’t sure how it could be knowing because, frankly, he had no idea what was going on.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

It wasn’t until they’d gone to bed, teeth brushed, lights off, goodnight text send to and received from Dean, that they started talking about it again. Cas quickly updated Anna on everything from kisses to anxiety attacks that had happened since she’d been there a month before.

“So it doesn’t sound like he’s doing too good,” Anna said. Cas was reveling in hearing his big sister’s voice in a dark room again. He remembered her making up stories when he was scared in the dark. They had been kids, Gabriel constantly interrupting by trying to scare Cas even more, grabbing his feet under the covers and the like. Hearing the soft melodious tone of Anna's voice was an instant comfort.

“I don’t think he is. I don’t know, sometimes he seems so open and warm and just… so okay.” Cas wondered. Anna didn’t say anything.

“I told him about you. You know, that you had been in the hospital and those things,” Castiel confessed into the dark.

“Well, that only sounds fair considering what you’ve told me about him.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Cas didn’t want to talk about this anymore. He was getting into over-thinking, analyzing beyond recognition territory. 

“Hey, where’s that French guy? Balthazar?”

“Cas, they actually celebrate Christmas in France, you know.” 

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Cas slept over at Dean’s house the next evening, but they missed most of the movie because they were too busy making out. They didn’t even hear Mary call them for dinner, meaning Sam had to traumatize himself just so they could get something to eat.

Dean just grinned at his brother when he ran away squealing, hands covering his eyes.

“Thank you for the lovely dinner,” Cas said as he helped Mary clear the table. He’d never been accepted into a family like he had with the Winchesters. And in the same way Dean had wriggled his way into Cas’ family. It was awesome to feel at home in someone else’s house like this. What he had with Dean was definitely the closest and easiest friendship he’d ever made.

“You’re very welcome, Castiel. You know you don’t have to help, especially considering what the two buffoons I call my sons are doing,” Mary said sending a pointed look over her shoulder at Dean and Sam, who were too busy wrestling over Sam’s phone to notice.

“I would like to help. Besides I do not wish to get mixed up in their foolery,” Cas reassured her and she giggled.

Cas was washing the dishes off and handing them to Mary who put them in the dishwasher while Sam chased Dean around the house. John was away that evening, something about a game at a neighbor’s house. Cas didn’t know what games were in season now.

“Cas,” Mary looked at him, plates piled next to the sink because Cas was washing them faster than she could arrange them in the dishwasher. “Has Dean told you anything? About the anxiety attack or anything? I mean… Does he seem okay to you?”

Cas stopped what he was doing, “I think he is having problems, but I don’t think he is ignoring them.” Then he told her about the box that Dean had given him, which had been emptied into Cas’ trash, but was now in his room, half-filled with other things.

Mary’s eyes filled with tears, but she didn’t let them go, “he was thinking about hurting himself?” Cas wasn’t sure what to say.

“I just wish I knew what was going on inside his head. I wish he would tell me what went on,” she told Cas. Cas nodded, he wished the very same thing.

“What are you two gossiping about?” Dean asked slyly as he wandered into the kitchen.

“We were wondering how you and your brother turned out to be ungrateful jerks who let their poor mother and their guest do all the work,” Mary said, starting back on the pile. 

Dean looked semi-guilty, then he smiled devilishly, “hey, I was doing hard work too. _Someone_ has to read Sam’s embarrassing texts to his _GIRLFRIEND_ ” he yelled the last word over his shoulder, and Sam yelled “shut up!” from somewhere above them.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

They had just watched the Guardians of the Galaxy and had yet to get up to either put on another movie or turn it off, but they were too busy making out to the DVD menu music.

Dean pulled off of him but kept his hand in Cas’ hair, sliding it down to stroke his cheek. They’d dropped the bowl of popcorn when they initially started making out and they were spread all over the floor, undealt with.

Cas tried not to be too obvious about staring at Dean’s lips. They were naturally plump and dark and very kissable, but now? After having been nibbled at by Cas for longer than he really cared to admit? Dean’s tongue came out to wet them and Cas subconsciously copied the movement, causing Dean’s lips to lift into a smile and Cas figured that he was not very good about not being obvious at all.

“Stop laughing at me,” Cas broke the silence. Then Dean actually started laughing, “you’re totally into me.”

Cas rolled his eyes, “your deduction skills are unfathomable. You’re totally into me as well.” 

Dean just nodded. Figuring they should put on another movie or turn the machine off or at the very least clean up the popcorn, Cas closed his hand around Dean’s wrist to remove his hand from his face. Then he felt it. Dean’s sleeve had slipped down a little because he was holding his hand at a higher level than his elbow and Cas made contact with his skin.

He pulled the wrist down, still holding onto it firmly, and pulled the sleeve up further. Dean caught onto what he was doing then and tried to get his arm free, “Cas, stop, what are you doing?”

“What’s this? Are those… burns?” Cas looked at the few sores dotting Dean’s underarm and wrist area.

Dean finally got his wrist free and he pulled it to him, tugging down the sleeve, “uhm, they’re what? Burns? Uh, yeah, burns.”

“Are you hurting yourself again?” realizing that that was obvious he instead questioned, “why are you hurting yourself again?”

Dean exhaled shortly, “I’m sorry, Cas. I’m not doing it anymore, I already told Dr. Singer – uh, my therapist. I won’t do it again.” 

Cas wasn’t sure if he could believe that but he figured it’d be better to give Dean the benefit of the doubt before creating a scene, probably even worse than the last time self harm was brought up between them.

They stopped discussing it and just cleaned up the popcorn and turned off the TV. Even though the atmosphere was regrettable, he still got a goodnight kiss and fell asleep snuggled up very close to Dean.

Cas still brought the burns up to Anna though.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Cas was the first to wake up on Christmas morning. It was only right, he was the youngest after all. He rolled down onto Anna purposefully, to try and wake her up, “ugh Cas, you bag of dicks!” she groaned into her pillow.

All Cas could do was giggle. He hurriedly put on some pajama pants, going for Gabriel next. So the annoy _er_ became the annoy _ee_. He reveled in the fact that he got to annoy his lame older brother for once.

“It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas!!!” Cas yelled as he ran into Gabriel room, pulled the cover off him, decided to completely ignore that he was naked and started throwing candy canes at him. The candy canes had been on Gabriel’s bedside table. Of course. He was probably going to get diabetes before New Year’s.

“CAS!” Gabriel yelled and Cas decided it was time to move on to his mother. Anna joined him in the hallway, “let’s get her!” she giggled.

 

Their mom had glared at him and Anna, and when Gabriel came throwing the remaining candy canes at her, him too in the time it took her to put on a bathrobe, go downstairs, put on coffee and drink it. 

Then she had made waffles.

They ate those as they all exchanged gifts. Cas had gotten Anna a set of new graphite pencils and a really nice quality drawing pad. He wasn’t sure how much she was drawing anymore, but she was at college on an art scholarship so he figured that even if clay was her medium this semester she’d still get back to sketching eventually. Judging by the excited squeal and mega-hug he’d figured correct. 

She got him a very soft scarf in return, with the explanation that “well, I know you refuse to get a proper winter coat over your beloved trench coat, so I’m just gonna give you enough wooly things to stay warm.” Cas had smiled gratefully.

Gabriel had gotten him a black Eastpak backpack, because _apparently_ Cas was embarrassing Gabe with his satchel. If it hadn’t been filled with salt water taffies he woulda been pissed. 

Cas had gotten him a five-pound gummy bear. Gabriel was really way too excited about it. And Cas was also pretty sure he’d eat it all before that night. He was disgusting. 

His mom gave him a warm sweater, blue with an orange, a yellow and a green stripe across the chest. She also gave him five briefs of bee-friendly flower seeds to plant in the garden come spring. He was seriously concerned about the whole be crisis so it was probably the present he appreciated the most. 

His friends and him hadn’t really talked about giving each other gifts. It wasn’t like any of them really had a ton of spare money, but Garth had given Cas some homemade fudge before Christmas break had started and Charlie had given him a poster of the Wizard of Oz. Cas had gotten her the very same thing.

Cas had a present for Dean waiting in his room. Of course he did. But he felt very shy about it, like it was too much, but not quite enough to be a real present at the same time. Honestly, he was just a lovesick mess. He was quite enjoying it, overlooking the parts where he would cry with worry of course, but Cas was sure he wasn’t the only one. That was part of caring about Dean. 

He texted Dean “merry x-mas <3” and got “ya filthy animal ;)” in return.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean brought Cas to the Roadhouse on the 27th, just to get away from all the family craziness. And for them to see each other of course.

“He friggin adores Sam, like, of course he does. But I swear, he seriously hates me. My mom thinks I’m being delusional, of course, but I’m pretty sure,” Dean laughed as he told Cas about his uncle, whom he had visited with his family the day before.

“I can’t believe that, who’d hate you? You’re too cute,” Cas smiled in return.

Dean blushed but he was still sort of chuckling, “you’ve really gotten behind the whole flirting thing, huh?”

Then it was Cas’ turn to blush, “What?! I don’t flirt, I’m not flirting. I just said you were cute!” Cas held up his hands to declare innocence.

Dean chuckled at that, “how is that not flirting? Are you for real right now? You’re not even aware that you’re flirting with me? Like, _all the time_?” Dean leaned back against the booth, still smiling, “oh my god, who’ve you been running around and flirting with?”

“No one! I- Dean, I can assure you I only say these things to you. But I _do_ mean them.” Cas looked at Dean in earnest. Was this one of those times where he was taking things too seriously again? He could never tell. Whatever, at least Dean didn’t look upset.

“Just because you mean them, it doesn’t mean it’s not flirting. I mean all the gay things I say to you,” he looked up as if trying to remember something, then shrugged, “well, most of them. I guess I can be a little crude,” he chuckled again. 

“I don’t mind,” Cas assured him, smiling. He reached over to lay his hand on Dean’s, which was resting on the table next to his cup of coffee.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, before Cas disrupted it, “I got you a Christmas present, but I appear to have completely forgotten about it. I did not give it a thought until just now.”

Dean interlaced their fingers, breaking out of his silence-induced daze. “Now that you mention it… I had one for you as well.” He smiled. Cas was happy to see Dean smile so much. Maybe it was the break from school and overbearing teachers and Dick, or maybe it was spending quality time with his friends and family. Either way ‘relaxed’ was a good look on him.

Cas wondered if this is how Dean looked all the time before he met Alastair. A cap turned backwards on his head, flannel discarded over the back of the booth, eyes crinkling with the easy smiles. His bow-legged legs were spread as he relaxed, and Cas had to try to not go down an inappropriate train of thought for a minute. Dean's arms were resting on the table. He was so open. 

When Cas had met him back in September Dean’s body language used to be much more closed off and most of his smiles had been forced.

His observations were interrupted when Dean stood up in the booth to lean over their mugs of coffee to kiss Cas.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

He didn’t hear from Dean until two days after New Year’s. He had been at Jo’s – or Ellen’s obviously – bar for that year, and he knew Dean had been supposed to be there as well. He couldn’t help being a little disappointed. And offended that Dean hadn’t told him. He had really been counting on getting a New Year’s kiss for once. Charlie provided a smack to the back of his hand when the clock struck twelve, so he guessed that that was something.

On January 2nd it was actually Sam who called him. 

“Hello, Sam. Happy new year.” He said. He was sitting in his room, fiddling with the darn wooden box Dean had given him. He had tape on five of his fingers, trying to wrap Dean’s long overdue present.

“Uh, yeah. Cas, I have something important to tell you.” Sam sounded almost… on the verge of tears? Cas immediately put the tape down.

“It’s Dean… He-he… Oh god, he’s in the hospital,” Sam did break into tears then, voice shaking over the phone.

Cas sat straight up in his chair, hands beginning to shake, “what happened? Is he okay?”

“No – or I mean, yeah, he’ll live… But he‘s not okay. He wasn’t okay this whole time. There are new scars, and he-he… he tried to kill himself,” Sam got it out in between sobs.

Cas was slightly aware of his pulse in his throat. He should have said something – when he saw those burns. He should have told Mary straight away. He should have stayed with him after the anxiety attack – he should have _made him talk_! 

He threw his phone at the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We can all agree that Gabriel is a Gemini, right?


	9. No One Can Kill A Jedi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas visits Dean during his very short stay in the hospital. Dean finally opens up to Cas. They also _finally_ exchange christmas presents!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something about the style is off in this chapter but I don't really know how to fix it.. Also I was reading Trainspotting earlier, so I don't really understand anything I've written anymore. 
> 
> I think there's going to be at least two more chapters. I don't know. It depends on how mean I wanna be to Dean, you know?

Dean was staring up at the really inspiring white ceilings of his hospital room. His tray was still standing on the table next to him, untouched. He reached for the juice box. After all how much could they mess up _juice_? Especially pre-packaged juice?

Luckily his mom had been so kind as to buy him a sub on her way there, when she'd seen him earlier in the day. She had just left. He fucking hated that he had made her cry. And dad and Sam. And he’d probably really fucked things up with Cas and all his new old friends. He was really regretting those sleeping pills and all of that Jack. He didn’t even want to die!

He had been _so_ tired. And he couldn’t stop rubbing the skin on his wrist. Harsh enough that the skin would rub off, leaving burn-like marks. He didn’t mean to. Well, maybe he did once he’d realized what he was doing, but he hadn’t started on purpose. It had been something like a tic, probably one that started with him being self-conscious over his scars. How fucking ironic. 

A knock on the doorframe interrupted Dean’s chain of thought. He felt his mouth open in disbelief when he saw Cas standing there, a plastic bag in his hand. Dean briefly wondered if he could jam the straw from the juice box hard enough into his throat to not have to face him just yet. He should probably stop thinking those kinds of things...

“Your mom said you had plenty of flowers,” Cas offered as, what? An explanation? A greeting? What the hell?

Dean looked briefly at his roomie, who was asleep in his bed across the room. His name was Chuck, Dean was pretty sure. 

“Cas.”

The dark-haired boy walked into the room to come to stand next to Dean’s bed. He took his hand.

“What happened?” Cas asked.

Where was Dean to begin? “I don’t know. I just…”

“Relapsed?” Cas supplied and Dean nodded, “why didn’t you say anything? To anyone, I mean?”

“I… I couldn’t. I wanted to, but I just didn’t know how.”

“How are you doing?” Cas asked. Dean was glad that the pressure to talk about fucking _why_ was off.

“Pretty shitty. I feel fucking guilty. It wasn’t even like I wanted to die, not this time. I just felt like shit.” Dean said, and when Cas started to look deflated, “not with you, Cas! It wasn’t you. I just kept getting these flashbacks and nightmares, and I kept hurting myself without even really paying attention to it, so I just felt guilty all the time.”

“I understand. You’re going through a depression. I imagine it means a lot of ups and downs in your recovery.” How was he always so level-headed?

Dean kept silent and Cas sat down on the side of the bed. “I brought you the Christmas present I mentioned,” he said pulling out a medium-sized box wrapped in shimmering paper.

“Oh fuck, I'll bring you yours as soon as I’m out,” Dean said slapping his forehead. _New Year’s_ was over and he still hadn’t given him his present.

As Dean started ripping the paper, Cas looked from the box to Dean, “when do you expect that will be?”

Dean could see some very familiar wood under the paper and for a minute it felt like his heart was in his throat. Why would Cas bring him back his fucking box? Was this some sort of cruel game? He finished pulling the paper off and let it fall to the floor next to his bed.

“I’m leaving this afternoon, actually. I have an appointment with Dr. Singer today already, to see what’s gonna happen next. Hopefully I’m not going back as an in-patient. I don’t think I have it in me to do senior year _again_ ,” Dean told Cas, hands on the box but eyes on Cas.

He leaned back slightly, clearly surprised, “'Again'?”

“Yeah, I had to drop out last year. I’m turning 19 later this month.” When Cas just kept looking surprised, he asked, “you really didn’t know? I thought I’d told you I had taken Pre-Calc before?”

“I figured you had failed it your junior year. It is typically taken junior year, correct?” Cas said.

Dean chuckled, “yeah, I’m basically mathematically retarded so I took it my senior year.” Cas chuckled too.

“Are you really turning 19? I’m only turning 17, and that isn’t until July.” Of course Dean would fall for the youngest person in his grade.

Then Cas motioned for Dean to open the box. 

So he did. He opened it to see the contents had been switched out for some less depressing things. 

Instead of drugs there was a little bag of Sweethearts, which, even though they were a sucky candy, Dean still found pretty cute. He took the bag out and put it in his duvet-covered lap. 

Next he took out a round thing, made of blue glass that kind of looked like an eye. It was the size of his palm. He looked questioningly at Cas, and let his finger glide over the hole at the top of the thing, there to put string through.

“It’s an Evil Eye, it stems from ancient Greek superstitions. The store clerk told me it offered happiness and protection. I suppose it is a little cheesy, but I found it well fitting.” Cas blushed and didn’t look at Dean.

Dean reached for Cas, “hey, no, I think it’s great. I’ll hang it in my car.” Cas smiled shyly.

Dean took out what he believed to be the last item. It was a bright orange paperback copy of Breakfast of Champions. Had Cas remembered him mentioning Vonnegut? That was back in September! 

“You adorable freak,” he smiled. Upon opening the book he found a beautiful, embroidered bookmark. It was slightly similar to the one he’d seen Cas carry around, only in orange, green and gold nuances. Like a forest on fire. Cas’ was blue, red and silver, he believed.

“Wow, this is beautiful,” Dean exclaimed. 

“My mom makes them. Gabriel sells them for her on etsy.” Cas told him. How 21st century.

“Well, I'll try my hardest not to lose it!” Dean grinned his promise, making Cas laugh.

He was just about to close the box when he noticed a slip of paper, folded.

“What’s this?” Dean asked, starting to unfold it.

“Why don’t you read it,” Cas smiled, starting to put the other things back in the box, before placing it on the table next to the untouched tray of food. He noticed Cas frowning at it and quickly explained, “the food here sucks. My mom brings me food from outside.”

“Prima donna,” Cas teased and Dean pushed him lightly with his knee.

He looked back at the paper. And felt tears well up in his eyes.

_Things Castiel adores about Dean_

_1\. His laugh_  
2\. His selflessness  
3\. His ability to make jokes even I get  
4\. That he is an even bigger nerd than I am  
5\. His warmth  
6\. That he has read even more books that I have and wants to discuss all of them  
7\. His downright inappropriate obsession with his car  
8\. His loyalty  
9\. His honesty  
10\. His FRECKLES! 

A tear dropped to the page and Dean quickly wiped it off, not wanting to jeopardize ruining the list. “Cas, you fucker,” he said and pulled on his hand so he came close enough to hug. “You sentimental fucker.”

“I hate to point out that you are the one who is crying,” Cas said jokingly, face pressed to Dean’s neck.

They spent the rest of the afternoon exchanging soft kisses and whispering encouraging things to each other. Dean was pretty sure a nurse had come to check on him, but had seen them and left because it was too awkward. He was more grateful for the fact that his roomie slept the entire time.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

They got interrupted when Sam and his parents showed up to take Dean home, and when they dropped Cas off at his house Dean promised to call him later.

John whistled at the big house after Cas had gotten out of the car. “What does his parents do?”

“His mom is a dentist, I think. And owns an online store.”

“Hm. What about his dad?”

“I don’t know. They’re divorced, I think he’s pretty much out of the picture.”

Dean was dropped off at Dr. Singer’s clinic with a promise of being picked up in two hours, and they’d go out for dinner. Like, yay, let’s celebrate that he almost killed himself. Again. Fucking old news.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean was completely honest with Dr. Singer this time, and vowed to himself to continue being so. He had to go through a few tests, all of them similar to what he’d done last spring.

In the end he was prescribed anti-depressants for which Dean was grateful. Maybe by getting medication, he would stop thinking something was _wrong_ with him or that he was _broken_ , and realize that he was _sick_.

They filled his prescription on their way to dinner.

John was turning the orange pill bottle over in his hands, “so… maprotiline?” They were waiting for their food.

“Yeah, Dr. Singer said it was supposed to help both depression and anxiety.”

“Wait, how do you spell it?” Sam stood up to better look at the bottle their dad held across from him, then sat down and pulled out his smartphone.

“Did Dr. Singer say anything about side effects?” Sam then asked.

“Yeah, he said that no matter what medication I was prescribed there was a risk. He said the benefits outweighed them though.” Dean saw a waitress come their way with what looked suspiciously like two double bacon cheeseburgers, and two salads. Apparently Sam had gotten their dad hooked on the whole health kick, and they were trying very hard (too hard) to get Mary and Dean to drink kale smoothies in the morning. Dean’d rather forego breakfast.

“It says here ‘within the first few months of treatment or with changes in dosage, maprotiline may increase thoughts of harming yourself. This risk is higher in children, teenagers, and young adults’” Sam cited off whatever website he’d found.

“Well, now I know. I’ll keep an eye on it, I guess.”

“Wait, it’s higher in teenagers and young adults?! Dean!” his mom said and the waitress finally reached their table, saving him for having to respond right away. “Thanks, it looks great,” he told her. He was pretty sure they’d gone to school together. She smiled politely and asked if they needed anything else. They didn’t.

“Mom, I know. I’ll be careful. I really think this is a good thing, I’m glad I’m finally getting some meds. I’ll keep seeing Dr. Singer, and if I start feeling worse I’ll ask if I can get something else,” he said, picking up his burger. 

“It also said it could cause, like, drowsiness and constipation,” Sam said forkful of leaves in his mouth.

Dean had been just about to take a gigantic bite but pulled the burger away from his mouth again. “Did you say constipation? No wonder it increases suicidal thoughts or whatever!”

Sam was just about to laugh when their mom shot Dean a look, “this isn’t something to joke about, Dean.”

“Sorry, mom.”

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean turned the bottle over in his hands. He was to take one tablet of 25 g twice a day, beginning that same evening. 

He twisted the cap off and poured out one of the pills. After putting the cap back on he put the bottle in his nightstand drawer. The pill was small and blue. Deciding he’d inspected it enough, he took a small sip of water from the glass he’d filled in the kitchen, popped the little pill in his mouth and drank some more water to swallow it down.

Then he called Cas, as promised.

“So what happened?” Cas asked after their greetings.

“He put me on medication,” Dean said and told him about the side effects Sam had discovered.

“I can understand your mom getting worried. But my sister was put on medication when she was released from the hospital the last time. I mean, she had of course been on many medications and on very high dosages of it for a long time, but that last time, they took a lot of it away and just gave her anti-depression and anti-anxiety medication. Once she got used to it, it very much helped. I do not believe she would have wanted to go without it, now looking back.”

Dean nodded even though Cas obviously couldn’t see. “Yeah… I’m happy to be on meds, to be honest.” He hesitated, but eventually decided to ask, “can I come over?”

“Yes, of course. I would love to see you,” Cas assured him. They hung up.

“Hey, mom?” Dean stood in the doorway to the living room, “is it okay if I go over to Cas’?”

“Now?” she looked at her watch.

“Yeah, I’m probably gonna spend the night,” Dean had already put his toothbrush in his coat pocket.

“Alright, I don’t see why not,” she said.

“Tell him I said hi,” John said. Dean waved an ‘okay’ with his back turned, already headed to the hallway to leave.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

A girl with bright red hair opened the door for Dean. She was slightly out of breath and in the middle of giggling, “HOLD HIM!” she yelled over her shoulder while opening the door.

“Hey, you must be Dean. And I must be Anna! Nice to meet you!” she said and seemed slightly hyper. 

“Dean! Help! And please do not listen to anything she says!” he heard Cas yell, voice slightly muffled, coming from what sounded like the living room.

Dean lifted an eyebrow at Anna. She smiled innocently, “he told me you have a younger brother, so you already know I have to do this.” He rolled his eyes. He already liked this firecracker.

Anna walked into the kitchen, Dean following her. “Hurt him I kill you, all of that. You know the drill. Actually, you can probably come up with better threats than I can, so you just… imagine that.”

Then she turned to him, and actually seemed to have sobered a little, “but I am serious. Don’t hurt him. And don’t lie to him. And fucking let him in, okay? You’re his first crush, and I’m pretty sure he fucking loves you, the little idiot.” Dean nodded, taken aback.

Then she smiled again, “but they weren't lying, you certainly aren’t hard to look at,” and with that she practically ran into the living room, where Cas was - Dean was pretty sure - screaming by now.

He came into the living room to see Gabriel straddling his gorgeous little brother, Cas’ hands tucked under his knees, and he was beating him quite harshly in the face with a pillow.

Anna took the pillow and hit Gabriel so he fell off of the youngest sibling, “his boyfriend is here, so I guess I’ll wrestle you as he goes to make out with him,” she said casually. Dean and Cas flushed beet red at the same time.

Then they went to Cas’ room and made out.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“Hey Cas? How come you’re only taking pre-calc? You said it yourself, it basically a junior class,” Dean asked Castiel. Dean was sitting against the headboard on Cas’ bed, Cas’ head in his lap. He was stroking his hair, and Dean would swear, if had he been able to, Cas woulda been purring.

He chuckled, “I suppose I too am – how did you put it? Mathematically retarded.”

“But didn’t you skip a grade somewhere? If you’re only turning 17?” Dean asked.

“I skipped a year of kindergarten. It was because we moved so my mom thought it was easier to put me and Gabriel in school at the same time. Then she only had to make one trip, because we were all in pre-school,” Cas explained.

Dean laughed, “you skipped ahead because your mom was lazy? That’s fucking hilarious.” Cas laughed and gave a shrug.

“How come you dropped out?” Cas asked then. Dean had known it would come. He figured he might as well tell Cas now. Just tell him everything. The thought didn’t even fill him with dread this time.

“I don’t think I’d done any homework since the last Christmas, and I was skipping school a lot during the spring. Then I wound up in the hospital in April, and… You know what, I’m gonna start at the beginning, okay? You ready for this shitfest?” Dean said.

Cas made to sit up, but Dean put pressure on his shoulders, indicating he should stay where he was. “You don’t have to.”

“I know that. But I’m ready now."

 

“I met Alastair at a party back in… November, I think. He was a few years older than me and had a bunch of tattoos and he like, tattooed people, so I was completely intrigued. God, how embarrassing. Anyway, I got completely wasted, and now, in hindsight, I can’t help but think that he might have drugged me, because I usually didn’t get that drunk. But we fucked that night.” Dean squinted, hating the memory of that night. He distinctly avoided looking at Cas.

“After that night I just… I was so pathetic. Alastair dealt drugs, so I started smoking a bunch of weed just so I could see him again. Then we started seeing each other so I stopped smoking weed. Anyway, that’s not really important.” He waved his hand, getting back on track.

“It didn’t take long for him to get abusive, and I wanted to leave the minute he did. But when I tried he raped me for the first time.” Dean swallowed a lump in his throat, “I can’t believe I let him do those things.”

Cas reached for his arm, “Dean, I hardly believe you _let_ him do anything to you.”

“Anyway, he just got more and more violent and I became more and more pathetic. I don’t even know how it happened, but one day I’d just completely lost myself. All I cared about was making him happy - or maybe I just cared about him not hurting me. I had just stopped hanging out with Jo and them, and when they wouldn’t leave me alone I pretty much told them that I wanted nothing to do with them. Then I only had Alastair.”

“Then something happened. It was sometime in the spring. He went overboard, and I finally had enough. I didn’t want to have sex with him and I actually tried to resist for once. He choked me and became really violent just to take what he wanted. I don’t know where it came from, because my self-respect was completely gone by then, but I told him I wanted to finish with him.” He felt Cas’s hand on his cheek and realized tears were streaming down his face.

“He went berserk. I think he seriously contemplated just killing me. He beat me pretty badly, and then left me alone in his house with the door locked. He’d taken my phone so I couldn’t call for help. He’d broken my ankle, my arm and fractured my cheekbone. I also had a few bent ribs.” He looked down at Cas who was crying too by then. He wiped away a tear from his face.

“I passed out for a while and when I came to it was dark outside. He still wasn’t back. I ended up breaking a window and somehow hauling myself out of it. I didn’t dare go to any of his neighbors, because I knew he dealt drugs to some of them. I had to limp about three miles to get to a gas station from where I could call my dad.”

“I didn’t even have to say anything. Of course he knew what had happened. My parents knew Alastair was a shit person and that he was ruining me. But I didn’t want to listen to them. Of course not. I was 18. I was planning on going with Alastair when he eventually would leave. He never settled down in one place, apparently going from town to town to ruin people’s lives.”

“Then I ended up spending about a week in the hospital, just for my injuries. No one took notice of the scars all over my wrists and hips and thighs. That wasn’t what I was there for.”

Cas sat up then and he kissed Dean gently. 

“I was released, went back to school, was there for about a week before I had the first and worst panic attack of my life. And of course it happened at school. I took PE last year and we were playing some contact sport. I just… I suddenly couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t see, and I thought I was going to either die or have a mental breakdown. I ended up passing out and getting sent home.” 

“Then a few days later I _did_ have that breakdown and I made my first suicide attempt. I was in and out the the hospital until June, then ended up in there pretty much until the next school year began. Then I met you.” Dean was glad he could smile at the end of his story now.

Cas pulled Dean to him and made both of them lie down. Dean’s head rested on Cas chest.

“It was even worse than I thought,” Cas admitted. Dean wasn’t sure what to say. 

“I appreciate you telling me. Thank you, Dean,” he said then and Dean could hear his voice rumble in his chest.

“Thank you for listening. And being my friend. I know it can’t be easy to deal with me when I close off and won’t accept help and that.” Dean really hoped he would get better at that. He had vowed to, but that didn’t really mean anything. He just had to take it one day at a time.

“What happened to Alastair?” Cas asked then.

“He left. It makes me feel guilty as shit to think that he could be out there doing this to other people. I hope someone somewhere has pressed charges and gotten him arrested,” Dean admitted.

“I hope so too.” 

They lied silently for a while, Dean enjoying the steady rhythm of Cas’ breathing and the feeling of his fingers massaging his scalp. Then his eyes widened and he sat promptly sat up.

“FUCK!”

“What?!” Cas looked panicked.

“I forgot your fucking Christmas present!” Castiel just laughed and said it was okay, before pulled Dean back down. Then they fell asleep.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean finally remembered to bring the stupid present on the first day of school after break, and even though he could tell it made Cas feel awkward he made him open it before English started.

The look on the dark-haired teen when he pulled out his new coat was everything Dean could’ve asked for. He wasn’t a dick like Gabriel, who’d given him a vastly different school bag. He’d gotten Cas a new trench coat, one with a proper lining for winter weather. 

Cas had put it on right then and kissed Dean right in front of Mrs. Missouri and their classmates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's gonna be sexy things happening a little bit next chapter..


	10. Boyfriends???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few months has passed and the biggest struggles now seem to be defining their relationship.
> 
> Dean and Cas graduate. And Charlie, Jo, Benny, Pam, Ash and Garth. And Gabriel. And probably all the other seniors at their school, who knows.
> 
> They fool around a little bit and Gabriel is a dickhead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely forgot about prom because I'm not from America. So they just didn't go.
> 
> Also, I've obviously completely changed my mind about the length of this story. But the story will probably change, as they graduate and have to figure out where to go from there.

During spring Castiel saw Dean blossom right along the fresh green leaves and the flowers on the school soccer field. This time, however, Dean wasn’t run down by aggressive students. He couldn’t say the same for the flowers.

“Hello,” Cas greeted Dean after Crowley had stopped lecturing the older boy about being late for class, and he came to sit down next to Cas.

Dean snuck a glance at Crowley then leaned over to plant a kiss square on his lips.

They’d become somewhat steady, not ones to shy away from PDA. Dean had opened himself up to Cas completely in the months since the beginning of the new year, and when he suffered from side effects it was dealt with immediately. He was still taking his meds though, but Dr. Singer had mentioned a lower dosage in the near future.

Dean was still educating him on ‘must-watch’ movies, though not every Friday anymore. Dean was becoming fast friends with all his old friends, and spent a lot of time with each of them. Cas did too, of course, but mostly in a group, or in relation to something with school. He was happy for them and didn’t find it in him to be jealous. It wasn’t like he’d come from a place of previous best friends with them.

“Cas!” Dean whispered obnoxiously. Cas shot him a look and he just smiled innocently. Then threw a piece of paper at his face:

_do you wanna come over tonight? Xxxxxxxxx D_

How had he ended up dating the sexiest child in the world? Okay, that came out wrong. Dean was so childish and ridiculous, and he was also very sexy, okay? That’s all he meant. He wasn’t or freak or anything like that. 

Besides he didn’t know if what they were doing could be described as dating. He didn’t know dating-lingo and Dean and him hadn't defined anything.

He tried to catch Dean’s eye and when he did he rolled his own pair. He nodded nonetheless.

The word ‘boyfriend’ had been used plenty of times, but never by either Dean or Cas. And Cas certainly didn’t feel secure enough to be the first to say it. He’d never done this kind of thing before. Besides it didn’t even really matter all that much, they were holding hands when they walked down the hallway, they kissed in front of their friends and family, and even took turns being the little spoon. Cas was also pretty sure Gabriel had followed up on Anna’s ‘hurt my little brother and die’-speech, because Dean had once come out from the older brother’s room, saying he sure could be menacing for such a short guy. 

Yeah, Cas didn’t need the whole cracked heart-necklaces, tattoos of each other’s names label. 

He didn’t _need_ it.

But he sure as heck wanted it. 

He didn’t even have a Facebook account, but he still really wanted to be Facebook official.

The bell rang to end the last period and Cas packed up his things, then waited for Dean to pack up his things. He really didn’t understand how he could be so slow. He’d had a book, a notebook and a pencil on his desk. Seriously.

He finally finished and took Cas' hand, and together they walked to room 4.17, where the European Literature club was held. It hadn’t taken much convincing to get Dean to join. So far there hadn’t been a single book he hadn’t read before, and Castiel had already admitted how impressive he found that.

The last week the supervising teacher had gotten frustrated enough with Dean’s flippant boredom to tell him “why don’t you just pick the next book then?” and Dean had jumped at the opportunity. Cas had had to listen to Dean go back and forth between various Shakespeare plays and Alice in Wonderland, a quick consideration of Mary Poppins all week. He wasn’t even sure what that green-eyed cutie had settled on.

They’d been in Cas’ room, Cas reading the book for this week, Dean using his laptop to confirm the nationality of different authors. He’d been sitting on the bed with his legs hanging over the edge and Cas had rested against them. 

When Dean had settled on a book he’d snapped closed the laptop and refused to tell Cas the title. 

Instead he’d said “I love the simplicity of being with you.” It hadn’t even been the first time he said something like this and Cas figured it meant he didn’t care to define the bond they obviously shared. 

He didn’t know if it might have anything to do with Alastair, or if it was because they hadn’t… consummated their relationship. He didn’t know, and he maybe he had just got it all wrong. But he was definitely getting a little annoyed. Or rather – offended.

Dean pulled Cas into the library where a big box was waiting for him on the counter. It was the books he had ordered from the library. Cas stood on his toes to try and see what title it was. Dean closed it, “nah-ah! You have to wait just like everyone else.”

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

They left the school and as they crossed the parking lot Sam asked “why Gulliver’s Travels? I know you said you hadn’t read it before, but… it can’t be the only reason.”

Dean shrugged, “I dunno, Jack Black did okay in the movie.”

“You complain about out supervisor’s choice of books for your entire membership and then you choose a book based on the movie?” Sam asked incredulously.

“So what?” Dean unlocked the door and Sam crept into the backseat before Cas could take his seat in shotgun, even though they were going to the same place. “The Museum of Innocence doesn’t even have a movie. And guess what, you all hated it. So ya’ll are welcome.”

“I’m quite excited to read it,” Cas told them, turning the quite worn book over in his hands.

“See? Thank you!” Dean drove out of the parking lot.

Dean reached over to rest a hand on Cas’ thigh. He put his own hand on top, balancing the paperback in the other hand. When Dean’s humming along to whatever rock number they were listening to now got too loud, he gave up and put the book down on his other thigh.

Cas looked up at Dean, who was tapping the steering wheel in time with the music. He didn’t know what prompted him to do. Right then, in the middle of the car with way too loud music playing over him, and with Sam in the backseat. 

Maybe it was how cool he looked with his aviators and a cap turned backwards, or how he was wearing less clothing in the fast approach of summer (and how glad Cas felt that he didn’t feel the need to be ashamed over his scars anymore, he’d told Cas he just ‘didn’t give a fuck anymore’). He didn’t know if it was just how sweet Dean was being, having let him pick the music more than once when they went for drives and letting him sit in his lap whenever there was a chance to.

But Cas had just been smiling dopey-ly at Dean for a good five minutes and when Dean finally looked at him, he asked, “why are you looking at me like that?” To which Cas answered:

“Will you be my boyfriend?”

Dean nearly swerved off the road. “What do you mean? Cas, I thought I already _was_ you boyfriend?”

Cas was a little confused, “but we never clarified it?” he didn’t meet Dean’s eyes full on, he kind of just glanced at him. How could he be so thoroughly bad at these things?

“I didn’t know we had to. Did you want the whole ‘do you wanna be my boyfriend check yes, no or maybe’ thing?” Dean sounded annoyed.

It made Cas annoyed. “Maybe. It would have been better than nothing.”

“Why didn't _you_ just say something then?” Dean came to a halt in front of his house.

“I will point out that I just did,” Cas said, grabbing his satchel off the floor before exiting the car.

“Will you guys stop? Who fights over something like this? Everyone knows you two are dating, just let it go!” Sam whined, sending them both a ‘bitch face’ as Dean had endearingly titled them.

Cas looked at him momentarily, then looked back up at Dean who was on the other side of the car, “how are we supposed to have an anniversary?” He was probably talking a little too loud.

Dean rolled his eyes, clearly frustrated, “we would have figured it out! It kind of looks like it won’t be a problem anyway, doesn’t it?” he asked, in Cas’ opinion, rather cruelly.

Cas slumped his shoulders. He actually couldn’t believe this. Was this Dean breaking up with him when he asked if they could be boyfriends? How did that even happen?

His lower lip began to quiver and tears welled up in his eyes so he stared intently at Dean’s car. He could see his own reflection in the window. Wrinkled button-up, slacks, a face contorted like a child having a tantrum. He wanted to stomp his foot.

He heard Dean sigh and walk around the car towards him. 

“I’m sorry, Cas,” he put one arm around Cas, and used his other hand to lift Cas’ face gently, to meet his eyes.

“I didn’t mean that. I’m such a dick.”

“Yes, you are,” Cas said petulantly.

“Of course I want to be your boyfriend. I just thought that we already were, you know. I’ve considered you my boyfriend since… January, probably.” It was currently May. In Dean’s mind they’d been together for three months. 

Cas kind of felt like a dick then. But how could he have known?

Dean tapped his forehead against Cas’ once. “Can we stop fighting about this? I’m really sorry.”

“Yeah. Can we say we’ve been together since January, then?” Cas smiled, making Dean huff a laugh against his lips.

“You bet.”

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Graduation day snuck up on Cas. What else is new? If Thanksgiving can sneak up on him… I mean that’s every year. 

Luckily his robe was hanging dry-cleaned in his closet, so he had only to get dressed, put the robe in his mother’s car, and try to find some breakfast he thought he could keep down.

When he got to school he found Dean for a quick kiss, as they wouldn’t be sitting near each other. He looked scrumptious, but he always did. Cas’ mind was constantly blown.

Charlie, who was valedictorian, gave a wonderful speech and Cas actually got some of the references, thanks, in part, to the valedictorian herself but mostly to Dean. 

Afterwards there was a lot of congratulatory greetings. Cas was hugged probably over 50 times that day (or by over 50 people, Dean alone probably hugged him 50 times). His grandparents were there, along with his mom and siblings, and Balthazar for some odd reason (“he doesn’t know anyone back in France who’s graduating, Cas!”). 

Then there was Dean, his parents and Sam, Jess, Dean, Charlie and her parents, Dean, Garth and his family (which was huge???), Benny and his dad, Dean, Ash, Dean, Jo and Ellen. 

“Should we be worried?” Dean asked from next to Cas. Cas looked confusedly up at him and he pointed to where Sam and Gabriel were shaking hands.

“Why would we be worried?”

“What if they join forces?” Dean grinned. Cas rolled his eyes. He was excited to see his mom talking to Dean’s parents though.

“You’re coming to Garth’s party, right? The graduation party?” Dean asked. He’d snuck his arms around Cas, and Cas was leaning against his chest.

“Yes, of course. Would you be kind enough to give me a ride?”

“oh, Cas. I would love to.” He kind of sighed against Cas hair. Cas turned slightly in the bigger teens arms.

“What?”

Dean shook his head, “what? Yeah, I’ll give you a ride, no problem.”

Cas squinted at him. “Are you making sexual inside jokes with yourself again?”

Dean laughed, “leave me alone!” and Cas laughed too.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Upon entering Garth’s back garden Dean was immediately whisked off to talk to the parents, leaving Cas alone. The graduation party was being held outside in a great white tent that had been rented for the occasion. 

The tent didn’t have walls, it was only really a precaution taken if it was going to rain, Cas thought. There were a few tables under the tent with accompanying chairs. A little off to the side outside of the tent a few grills were set up for a barbecue. There were a lot of people and Cas couldn’t help but feel a tiny inferiority complex begin over _his_ graduation party. He didn’t know half as many people. His family was of course a lot smaller.

Then he finally caught sight of the bar that’d been set up in one end of the tent, and along with that all of his friends. And Gabriel of course. It looked like he was trying to flirt with Pam again. 

Cas started walking over there and then saw the shot glasses lined up between them and the bottle Pam was pulling up from behind the bar. He instantly turned on his heel. But it was too late.

“Cas! Come on! We’re doing shots!” Jo yelled and Cas walked back over there, “don’t worry it’s not jack. It’s tequuuiiiilaaaa!” she sounded way too excited and Cas was instantly afraid.

“Where’s your boy toy?” Gabriel asked. Cas looked around, he would have thought Dean was done greeting Garth and his parents by then. He saw him talking to an elderly woman near the back entrance to the house.

“It appears he has left me for someone better,” Cas gestured to where the freckled boy was standing, and they all looked over there. And they laughed.

“He’s been caught by a cougar!” Benny exclaimed.

“Come on, guys. We all knew he was a gold digger. He’s totally the Courtney Stodden of the group,” Charlie said with faked bored conviction. Cas didn’t know who that was so he just rolled his eyes.

Then a full shot glass was thrust into his hand.

“To new friends and old friends!” Benny said.

“And no more high school!” Jo yelled. Every single recent graduate at the party cheered.

Cas excused himself when they started pouring more shots, but he did steal a glass of something sparkling from a waiter’s tray.

He was content with people-watching from the corner he had retreated to. He was on his second glass of sparkling cider when Dean finally came back.

“There you are! I was looking for you,” he said, pecking his lips then making a face. “Tequila? Gotta be careful with that one.” 

“It was only one,” Cas shrugged. “Regardless, I was right here.”

Dean smiled warmly, “yeah… Yeah, you are right here.”

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur of embarrassing speeches about Garth, and Ash passing out in the bushes that Charlie had vomited in earlier. Cas had switched to soda pretty early on, his graduation party was in two days so he had to help his mom decorate the day after.

They still ended up staying the whole night, along with just about every senior and some lower classmen. It was early morning when Cas found himself pressed against the kitchen counter, making out with Dean. He’d initially gone in there to get water, but he’d found Dean instead. Now they’d been making out for at least 15 minutes.

“Oh, ew! This where people cook, you guys!” Garth told them when he found them.

“Sorry,” Dean said and pulled Cas out by his hand. “D’ya wanna go somewhere else?”

Cas only nodded. Not much after he found himself in what appeared to be a guest bedroom.

They settled on the bed and continued right where they'd left off. It was dawn outside so the room wasn’t dark, and Cas could faintly hear birds starting to sing outside. 

Dean was kneeling between his legs, on top of him. And Cas could _feel_ Dean’s scent all around him: the mix of the tobacco, the musky perfume and what seemed to be just _Dean_ that he was so familiar with, along with sweat and the root beer he’d been drinking all day.

Cas didn’t even think to be embarrassed about his heavy breathing and weak moans that escaped between kisses, and when Dean’s hands started to wander – more than usual, he didn’t even notice that he was whimpering.

Dean had ripped Cas button down up, and Cas completely forgot to care that now it probably didn’t have any buttons anymore. Dean was running his fingers lightly over Cas’ abdomen and chest, teasing.

Then he grabbed onto the waistline on Cas’ pants and Cas felt his breath hitch in his throat. Dean looked up at him, and when Cas gulped and nodded, he unbuttoned them, and pulled them down along with his underwear. 

All Cas could do was look at Dean, between his legs, with the glow from the rising sun in his hair. The older teen looked up, a thigh on each side of his head. Time must have slowed down because Cas had time to study his full lips, his freckles dotting his nose and spreading onto his cheekbones, and consider each shade of gold and green in his eyes. 

Dean licked his lips, and Cas could feel his eyes follow the movement. “I’m gonna suck you off now.”

Cas could only get an “okay” out, whimpered between his lips.

Then Dean followed up on his promise. He held Cas’ penis with one hand, the other holding his thigh. He tongued his head first, then, without warning, he swallowed him down completely, nose buried in pubic hair. When he started bobbing his head up and down Cas’ eyes rolled up into his head.

It didn’t last very long before Cas was grabbing Dean’s hair, probably too hard, and forewent moaning to bite his lip as he came. He had had the mind to warn Dean, gasping, “Dean, stop! Don’t stop, oh my god, I’m going to come!” Dean had shot him a mischievous glance through his eyelashes, lips still wrapped around Cas’ cock and when he came about five seconds later, Dean swallowed every drop.

Cas had just pulled up his underwear when Gabriel swung the door open. He did a double-take and Cas could imagine why. He flushed beet red. His pants were still around his ankles and Dean was sitting in between his legs, hands on his thighs. And his shirt was obviously still open. 

He watched as Gabriel’s facial expressions changed from annoyed (probably that he couldn’t find Cas) to mischievous and Cas, who’d been leaning on his elbows, let himself fall onto his back. He covered his face with his arms.

“Are you two little vixens fooling around?!” he could _hear_ the smirk in his voice. 

“Come on, Gabe. Get out of here,” Dean’s voice sounded calm from above him.

“Right, but Cas and I really do have to get going, we have a graduation party to prepare,” Gabriel said.

“Yeah, just go, we’ll be right there. I’ll drive you home,” Dean said and pulled lightly on one of Cas’ arms to get him to look at him. Cas didn’t until he heard the sound of the door closing after Gabriel.

Dean was smiling at him. “How romantic, huh?” he smiled a little insecurely. Cas tilted his head, “I thought it was. I could hardly wish to change a thing, if only the appearance of my idiotic brother.” 

Then Dean smiled with a little more confidence and finally got up from the bed so Cas could pull up his pants.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean drove them home, enduring Gabriel’s teasing and threats the whole way, and Cas was grateful Dean was so good at talking back because he just keep sinking further into his seat next to Dean.

They kissed but Dean didn’t walk him in that day. Probably had enough of Gabriel, Cas could understand that. He still stayed to watch the car drive off.

He got approximately three hours of sleep before Anna came tumbling into his room, rolling on top of him teasing, “I heard you got your first BJ!”

Cas could not believe that he was related to these _gossips_.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's another graduation party and more sexy things happening. And a little bit of worry, it is Dean's POV this chapter, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was totally kidding about the 11 chapters thing. I written chapter 12 now and just introduced even more plot so.. yeah. I wonder if that exam will be made on time. Cough.

Dean was happy when he came home, but he needed to go straight the fuck to bed. Of course it wasn’t that simple because he was still depressed and his parents still got worried so he had to be questioned and lectured for half an hour even though he was _nineteen fuckng years old_.

He wasn’t too mad though, with the memory of Cas on his mind and the bitter taste of his cum still in the back of his throat. 

“Were you drinking?” his dad asked and Dean couldn’t refrain from rolling his eyes. Uh, if they were gonna treat him like a rebellious and unreliable teenager he got to act like it too, okay?

“No, do you think I’d do that to myself?” yeah, he knew he’d done much, much worse things to himself. But that was then.

Before someone could say anything else the sound of a car stopping outside was heard and then Sam came through the door. Drunk as a lord. Dean laughed but luckily remembered his parents were there and converted it to a cough in time.

They were put straight to bed, Sam in Dean’s bed, snoring directly into Dean’s ear. He didn’t mind. He was too proud.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

He didn’t actually have time to stand there and stare at himself in the mirror like some fourteen year old _girl_ , he had to be at Cas’. Yet there he was.

He twisted his upper body to the side, noticing how his ribs pointed out. He turned his lower body to the same side and saw how his hip bones were protruding too. He wasn’t sure how to feel about it, he'd known from the start that weight loss was a side effect to maprotiline.

He supposed he was sort of ambivalent to it, because he liked the feeling of having to use the last hole in his belt to keep his pants up, but he was much more nervous about someone (Cas) potentially seeing him naked. He’d never felt like that before. Not even when he was with Alastair. He heard his slimy voice whisper “pretty” like some nasty pervert, and his eyes instantly went to his thighs in the mirror. Where the big scars were. 

He shuddered and got out of it, hurrying to put on jeans and a T-shirt. After momentary consideration he pulled a long-sleeve button-down on top. He didn’t know why, it’d be way too hot.

“Sammy!” he yelled as he exited his room. Cas had told Dean he could come over whenever he wanted, though the party didn’t start till 1pm. It was 10am but Dean wanted to help them set up. If Sam wanted to go to Cas’ party he had to ride with Dean.

Sammy came running down the stairs right as Dean had stepped off the last step. Fucking fourteen year olds and their inability to get a hangover. “Here I am! I have the present here, do you think he’ll like it?”

Dean was abso-fucking-lutely sure he’d love it. They’d gotten him a semi-large case meant for (fucking bee-friendly) flowers to hang on the railing of a balcony as well as some pots that could be hung from the ceiling. Cas had already signed a lease for an apartment in Seattle, where he was to begin university after school. 

There was a short lesson for Sam about underage drinking but soon enough they were on their way.

Dean had forgotten to consider the fact that Gabriel knew he and Cas had fooled around two nights before and now had _three hours_ to make Dean’s head explode.

Luckily the short graduate took an odd but instant like to Sammy and spent the three hours trying to make _his_ head explode.

Dean had thought that he and Cas would spend it making out, but Dean had been sent to the kitchen to make sangria (“you’re the gayest boyfriend I’ve ever had,” Dean had said, to which Cas had responded “it was requested by Gabe”). Cas was in the garden hanging fairy lights with his mom. Dean could see them through the slightly open window.

Cas was balancing on a chair and his mom was handling him the chain of lights and a butterfly flew around Cas’ head, making him so distracted his mom had to yell at him. Dean felt distracted by the butterflies in his stomach. Distracted enough to accidentally cut into his finger instead of the orange he’d been slicing. 

“Fucking sack of shit!” Dean said. Or yelled, probably, because Cas and his mom turned to look at him and Dean just waved awkwardly. Then ran some water over the wound. He should probably find a band-aid. And get someone else to make the sangria. 

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The guests finally began arriving and everybody had a wonderful party. Benny and Charlie were still hungover from Garth’s party but once they started drinking that kind of went away. 

Cas got tipsy and handsy and frigging adorable, and Gabriel told everyone he’d caught them doing _something_ in Garth’s guestroom, and Sam spent all day trying to hide from Pam who thought that she “could just eat him up.” 

It was an all around wonderful party and Cas had hugged Dean and Sam excitedly when he’d opened his present. Dean had tried not to feel melancholy over the fact that all his present were ‘you’re moving out!’-themed. 

It was only Seattle, he told himself again. It was a two fucking hour drive, and if their relationship couldn’t survive that then what was even the point of them being together? 

But the thing that bothered him wasn’t the drive. It was that they hadn’t talked about it. And they didn’t. And Dean would say yes in a heartbeat if Cas asked him to come. 

“What are you moping about?” Jo came to sit next to Dean, who was actually sitting kind of reclused from everybody. Oops. Well, all Cas’ relatives probably already knew he was a depressed weirdo.

“I don’t wanna talk about it. Not now, at Cas’ party,” he said.

“You’d rather sit over here by yourself? And make everyone think Cas is dating some asocial little hermit?” Jo joked. Dean couldn’t help but laugh a little. He was so ridiculous sometimes. And sometimes it took Jo to make him realize it. He was glad she was only going as far as Seattle too. Most of his friends were, whether they were going to school or not. Dean felt left out to be honest. He could just move there himself, but… He really wanted to live with Cas.

So he told Jo. And she told him that she got it. But that Dean had a habit of moving pretty fast, and that while it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, maybe Cas needed to live on his own for a bit.

An Dean hated that she had to be so level-headed and profound all the time. Then she went to take more shots and Dean went with her even if he weren’t going to do any of them.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The party had ended at a reasonable hour and Dean was in Cas’ bedroom. Cas had already undressed and was lying on his bed. Dean could feel his eyes on him as he got undressed to join him. 

It wasn’t like this was the first time Cas was seeing him in some state of undress. Even if two days ago they’d done anything of sexual nature for the first time, they’d spent plenty of nights together, and once they’d actually gotten together they’d stopped falling asleep with all their clothes on. How could Cas not have gotten that they’d been boyfriends all along? Seriously.

Dean shed his pants, and he tried not to feel self-conscious as he pulled his T-shirt off (which was soaked, Cas’ uncle had spilled beer on him). He hated that he had to go through the self-consciousness with Cas again, because the first few times it’d been the scars. Now it was the weight loss. He knew Cas had to have noticed.

Dean came towards the bed, and when he lied down next to Cas, the younger teen ran his fingers over the scars on the top of Dean arm, then all the way down to his wrist. He let his fingers caress the scars on one of Dean’s sides, and the bigger ones on the tops of his thighs. 

Dean looked at Cas face and saw he was staring quite intently at his body. At what seemed to be his crotch. Dean cleared his throat, feeling a little uncomfortable with Cas’ concentrated focus and silence. 

“You want a piece of this?” Dean asked jokingly and wiggled his hips a little. Cas looked up at Dean, clearly confused. Then he got it and smiled. “No, that was not what… I only just noticed that you have a tattoo,” he said, and Dean looked down at his own body. Yeah, there it was, halfway covered by his boxers.

Dean pulled down his boxers slightly to show Cas the whole thing. By ‘thing’ he meant tattoo. He wasn’t just gonna pull his other _thing_ out like that, relax.

Cas gasped and Dean didn’t know if it had to do with the tattoo, the number of scars uncovered at his hips or the beginning trail of pubes he’d just flashed.

The tattoo itself was on top a bunch of scars. It’d be hard to tattoo him anywhere he didn’t have scars, honestly. Except for, like, his back and butt and stuff like that. Anyway. 

It was a cage, with a black bird (textured with scars) inside and the outline of a white bird outside.

“Alastair had a tattoo gun. I think I told you this? He’d tattoo people dumb enough to get someone uncertified to do their tattoo.” Cas’ finger started following the line of the top of the cage. Dean felt it in his groin.

“He tattooed his name on me. When we finished- and even before – I cut it. I’d cut it all the time. I don’t know if I was trying to erase it with razors or something. But I got it covered up one weekend when I’d been allowed to leave the hospital. The black bird is covering his name, that’s why it looks kind of funky. There are a bunch of scars under it.” 

Cas hand moved to the black bird, feeling the bumps of the scars under it. Dean could feel himself getting hard, but at least some of his blood was rushing to his head to blush his cheeks. He grabbed Cas’ wrist, “you’re giving me a hard-on.” 

Dean had expected Cas to look up at him with big, blue innocent eyes. Instead he got a very seductive side-glance and a hand that forewent his tattoo completely to go straight for his half-hard cock. 

It felt great. Dean hadn’t been touched like this in forever (and he didn’t exactly want to think about the last time he had). He slid down the headboard and Cas turned over on his stomach, resting on one elbow.

“Can we have sex?” Cas asked very directly. He was still stroking Dean. As if he was going to say no.

“If you want to. Are you ready?” Dean asked, brushing some hair away from Cas’ forehead.

“I have been ready for this, with you, for a long time. I thought you needed time,” he told Dean. 

Dean just smirked at Cas, “we have a lot of lost time to make up for then.”

Then Cas smiled and let go of Dean’s dick. He sat up and reached for something in his nightstand drawer. Lube and condoms. Cas didn’t exactly seem like the _type_ to have that just lying around.

When he told him as much Cas rolled his eyes, “are you kidding? Anna generously gifted me a ‘starter set’ for Christmas, and Gabriel gave me warming lube and ribbed condoms yesterday, after the whole blowjob thing.”

Dean burst out laughing, “holy fuck, he works fast!”

Cas laughed along with him and then leaned forward to kiss him.  
It didn’t take long for them to be making out, Cas’ hand on Dean’s dick again.

Cas, apparently, was one smooth motherfucker, because Dean was out of his underwear and pinned under him before he knew what was happening.

He could feel Cas sucking hickeys into his throat and it _was_ kind of embarrassing to be a 19 year old with hickeys but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Not when it felt that good.

Then Cas stopped and looked at Dean, eyes dark with arousal (Dean figured he wasn’t much better off himself), and voice even lower than usual. “Can I be on top?”

And Cas may have turned out to be a smooth motherfucker, but they had some serious work to do on the bedroom talk. Maybe he could lead by example?

“Yeah, Cas,” Dean rasped, voice low, “yeah, I want you to fuck me.”

He felt a little stupid saying it, mostly because he really, really wanted Cas to be gentle. He wasn’t sure how much he could take after Alistair, and honestly, he was worried he might get an anxiety attack if he felt out of control. But Cas was a virgin so he’d hardly be too rough Dean reasoned with himself. Oh my god, could he stop being such a mess??

Cas seemed to understand that something was on Dean’s mind, because he stopped what he was doing with both hands and mouth and looked at Dean in earnest, “do you not feel ready for this?”

Dean looked down, not wanting to meet his boyfriend in the eye. Which he apparently didn’t agree with, because he put his hand on Dean’s chin, gently making him look at him. 

“Yeah. I mean, I do want this. Want _you_. I just… please be gentle?” Ugh.

Cas leaned down to kiss him. “Of course,” then he chuckled a little, “one could be lead to think I was the one about to take your virginity, not the other way around.”

Dean huffed a laugh, “God. I used to be such a power bottom, you know.”

Cas smiled with confidence, “well, I’m sure we can get you back there!” What a joker.

Then they were back to making out and Dean’s hand found Cas’ dick, but not for long because Cas moved down so he was face to… uh, head? with Dean’s dick.

“I am going to touch your butthole,” Cas said and Dean didn’t have time to think how his fuck talk seemed to be getting fucking _worse_ , before Dean felt something wet stroke his asshole and he nearly fell right off the bed. 

Cas just put his arms on Dean’s hips to hold him in place and then continued to fucking eat him out. No one had ever done that for Dean before. 

He was already a moaning mess by the time Cas ripped the plastic sealing off the bottle of lube with his teeth – which, uhm, sexy! – and started fingering Dean. He worked his way up from one finger to three at an almost excruciatingly slow tempo. 

Had Dean had the brainpower to be self-conscious or embarrassed he probably would have been, at the now _whimpering_ moaning mess he’d become under Cas.

But he wasn’t. He was impatient and horny. 

Cas pulled his fingers out and Dean didn’t know if it was _finally_ or it was _get them back in there_! but he definitely needed something in there. 

He was kneeling between Dean’s legs and Dean let a moan escape his lips when he looked up at him. He was at least as sweaty as Dean, forehead glistening where his hair had been pushed back. His lips were wide and slightly parted as he panted a little. He was giving Dean an open look at first, but it soon turned seductive. He leaned down to kiss Dean thoroughly and Dean tried to chase his mouth when he sat back on his heels. 

“You are so sexy like this, Dean, so gorgeous,” Cas told him and Dean didn’t have time for fucking _compliments_ right now, okay? He needed Cas’ dick in his ass!

“Please fuck me, Cas. I need you,” Dean was basically moaning this, as Cas dick touched the beginning of his asshole.

“I love you,” Cas said and Dean forgot about begging or trying not to. No one had ever told Dean they loved him, and especially not during sex. He couldn’t help the lift of the sides of his mouth. He probably looked pretty fucking dopey.

“I love you too.” 

There was another kiss and then Dean could feel his ass stretching around Cas’ dick.

Cas was gentle, but not too much and Dean had never held eye contacts so much with a dick in his ass.

Dean had been moaning since the beginning, but now Cas started making noises and it went straight to Dean’s dick. That had to be the sexiest thing he’d ever heard. He was moaning and groaning, whispering sweet things to Dean, interrupted by rare curse words, which… Dean had never even heard Cas swear before, he was the type of nerd to say fucking ‘gosh’.

He’d been on the edge and was still there and when Cas wrapped his hand around his dick Dean came within three strokes. Cas came too. And unlucky for them Gabriel came too. Into the room.

“Hey, what’re you guys do- oh my godI’msosorry!” he said and instantly turned on his heel and promptly walked into Anna who’d been standing right behind him, bowl of popcorn in her hands. Dean could not believe they were being walked in on _again_ by the _same_ person.

The popcorn spilled right in the door opening so they couldn’t really close the door and after a few very intense seconds of them struggling with the door and the popcorn, Dean yelling “get the fuck out!” and Cas hiding under the covers, they left, the door still slightly open.

And Dean thought they’d been loud. Apparently not loud enough for them to figure out what they'd been doing in here.

Dean put his hand on a blanket-covered lump he figured to be Cas’ head. “Are you okay? How American Pie was that?” he asked, smile on his lips, and can feel the lump start shaking.

Unsure of whether his boyfriend was laughing or crying he pulled the covers off. Cas was laughing. Eyes squeezed together, gums showing, legs pulled to his chest laughing. Dean joined in.

He nuzzled into the laughing Cas, and the younger boy got out, “I am grateful we at least got to come.” 

“Yeah, how considerate of them,” Dean huffed a laugh. Cas put his arm around Dean and pulled him closer. Dean asked if he wanted to clean up (the semen and/or the popcorn) but Cas said that no, he wanted to afterglow. So they fell asleep.


	12. Home Is Wherever With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas moves to Seattle and they all have a blast all summer. They even go to Pride. But then it stops being a blast....

They were on their way to Seattle and Cas could hardly contain his excitement. He’d been by the apartment the week before with his family, to drop off some furniture and get the key from the landlord and those kinds of things.

Now Cas was bringing Dean. He still wasn’t moving there for good, he figured he’d spent most of the summer between Seattle and Moses Lake.

He was bringing the last of his stuff, except for some clothes, this time, and though he was excited to show Dean around Seattle and especially the neighborhood he’d be settling into, he was also hoping the older boy would help him hang some lamps and pictures. Maybe he’d even help with the balcony garden thingy. The case was currently in the backseat, filled with dirt and flowers. Yeah, maybe Cas took advantage of having and older, stronger boyfriend. Who's so manly. And sexy. Whatcha gon' do?

Dean hadn’t been extremely excited to see he’d be driving with a tub full of dirt. Luckily, Cas was cute.

 

“Nice place. How much was the rent?” Dean let out a low whistle as he wandered into the living room. There was already a clearly old, but still in acceptable condition couch and a chair similar around a pre-stained wooden coffee table, all placed on a rug in blue and red nuances. They’d been finds at a flea market.

“$1800” Cas chewed the inside of his cheek. He knew it was expensive, but his mom was paying (and that scholarship made Cas feel a little better about it). If/when he got a job he’d be expected – and glad – to pay half.

“Wow. That’s okay. I mean you have a bedroom separate from your living room. I saw Jo and Charlie’s studio apartment last week. Can you believe they’re sharing a studio?” Dean said, walking up the three steps to the bedroom.

Cas couldn’t. He knew he was blessed but he was not ungrateful. The apartment was wonderful. There was a tiny hallway that opened directly into the living room, which stretched out on the right (or didn’t stretch out, it was pretty small). On one end, the one near the front door, there was a kitchen, and Cas had found an inexpensive wall mounted table at IKEA that could be folded down to not take up more space than necessary for a dinner table. He had just two chairs, placed next to it. If he had more than one guest he'd just ask his neighbors. He had a lot of fantasies about some sort of collective community in the building. So far no one had even smiled at him.

The kitchen was held in pretty gross colors, with a green fridge and yellow counters but he didn’t care. He’d put some pictures of his family and friends, and approximately a million of Dean or of Dean and him, on the fridge and it had already helped.

On the other end of the living room there were three small steps that led up to the bedroom, which was separated from the living room, and into which Dean was currently walking, and next to that, on the first floor (Cas had a field day with that) was the bathroom, which was tiny and he had to stand in the bathtub when he brushed his teeth, but at least there _was_ a bathtub.

“Man, this is great!” Dean said after having taken his own tour of the premises.

“I find it quite amiable myself,” Cas told him, and walked over to where he was, looking out the window at the street below.

Dean pointed with each observation, “s Starbucks, a bar, a Laundromat. The location of this fucking place!” Cas touched Dean and he turned around. He had to stand on his toes a little to reach up and kiss him. 

Dean looked dazed and very in love and Cas was feeling very good himself.

Then, “now! I need your help!” Cas said and ran out the apartment to get the last few things from Dean’s car – sorry your highness, the Impala.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Three hours later and the most help Cas had provided was a coffee/scone run to Starbucks. Dean had started with the balcony, arguing that they didn’t know whether it was going to rain – it _was_ Seattle after all. Cas frowned, they already lived in Washington, but he was happy anyway, because that meant he got to organize and furnish the balcony while Dean worked on the lamps and pictures inside.

When Dean finally started complaining about lunch the apartment was done. The Wizards of Oz poster from Charlie was framed and hung in the living room, above the shoe case, since the living room was kind of an extension from the hallway. Or was it the other was around?

There were several lamps and posters of paintings (mostly of flowers) hanging around the room and in the bedroom. 

The balcony had become the urban garden Cas had dreamt about, with the case from Sam and Dean hanging on the inside of the balcony and several pots hanging from the ceiling. Everything was green. There was a small, round glass table and two accompanying chairs (hey! if his neighbors were really mean, he guessed he'd be okay), and one old-fashioned metal bench Gabriel had found somewhere (and Cas kind of worried that it was stolen, but now that it all came together like this, he didn’t much care).

Cas was very excited and kept clapping his hands and smiling, while Dean just grumbled, already dressed to leave, hand on the doorknob.

“Come ON, Cas. You’ll get enough time to admire your apartment later.” Dean said, rather sourly. He probably had low blood sugar. He could be such a child when that happened.

“Okay, okay,” Cas complied and put on his moccasins (they’d made Gabriel and Dean groan, apparently they had expected more from his summer wardrobe. Cas didn’t care).

“Would you want to see the campus?” Cas asked when the reached the street. Dean took his hand and shrugged, “sure.”

Dean, in spite of his bitterness, was visibly impressed by the crisscross of paths and huge cherry blossom trees – even though they weren’t in bloom yet. 

They didn’t see all of campus – it was huge and they were hungry – but they walked around the fountain and checked out a library. Cas didn’t have a map so he didn’t know what it was called. 

Dean smiled, “you’ll fit right in.” Then grabbed both of Cas’ hands to kiss him in the middle of the library. And then he pretty much stopped smiling for the rest of their mini tour. He tried faking it when Cas gave him overtly worried looks. 

And Cas was beginning to worry. Did Dean decide that two hours _was_ too far away? That it wasn’t worth driving for _Cas_. Or was it something more serious? Dr. Singer had halfed Dean’s dosage of maprotiline a little over a week ago and Cas was hoping Dean didn’t have to suffer through side effects _again_.

He still hadn’t gained all of the weight back.

Cas decided to try with food first; it had been quite a while since he originally started complaining about being hungry.

 

So they went to a cheap-looking diner and they were surrounded by burger wrappers and baskets with fries and cardboard cups with soda, when Cas finally asked. Dean wasn’t really eating, just picking at the food, and that just wasn’t right.

“What’s bothering you?” Cas asked, and of course it couldn’t just be easy, because Dean just said “nothing” and scowled at his burger.

Cas tried again and when he touched Dean’s hand, which was wrapped around his mostly full cup they spilled root beer all over their food. Dean exploded.

“You’re gonna leave me! It’s the only possible outcome of this! It might not be right away but it will definitely happen!” Cas saw his lips tremble, though his eyes flashed with anger.

“You’ll be here and you’ll make a bunch of nerd friends and you’ll forget about me, and you’ll find it annoying that I keep calling you, especially when you're trying to get with a TA!”

“And then you’ll meet someone who’s already published, and you won’t want anything to do with some good-for-nothing loser, who didn’t even graduate _high school_ until he was 19, and who still lives at home and probably works at a gas station!”

Cas left his side of the booth to come sit next to Dean. He wrapped his arm around him and kissed the side of his face.

He hadn’t even given it a thought. Almost all of Dean’s friends were moving to Seattle, whether they were going to college or not. Only Ash was going to MIT and Benny was staying in Moses Lake. Big cities weren’t for him, he’d argued. 

And Cas had been worried for selfish reasons. Dean was gorgeous, and he wasn’t exactly introverted anymore. And everyone he crossed paths with fell at least a little in love with him. Cas had wanted Dean to come with him from the beginning. He hadn’t thought he was allowed to ask.

“You’re not a loser, and you are not good for nothing, Dean. Let us just get that straight first,” he touched Dean’s chin to catch his eyes. He looked more afraid than he did angry.

“And I would love for you to come with me, to move to Seattle with me. The apartment is big enough. I was not aware it was a thing I was allowed to ask from you,” Cas admitted and Dean sighed but looked more relaxed. Then he even smiled and Cas gave a sigh of relief.

“You want me to come with you?”

“Yes, Dean. I love you,” Cas said and Dean smiled fully then. And then they kissed. 

“So I can move in with you? Like is this a plan now? Are we doing this?” Dean asked, and Cas kissed him again. 

“I’ll have to talk to my mother, but I’m sure she’d be glad to split the cost,” he laughed. Then they kissed again, and it got kind of inappropriate and Cas had never been kicked out of a diner before, but now, apparently, he had. Of course it’d been with Dean. That little deviant.

They didn’t stop making out though, and they didn’t make it further than just inside Cas’ (their??) apartment when Dean started undressing Cas.

Cas followed his lead, and before long Cas was lying on the kind of dirty rug while Dean ran to the bathroom to get lube and condoms. It wasn’t in the bathroom, though, it was in Cas’ still unpacked bag, which was… somewhere.

Dean eventually found it and he grinned when he came back, and straddled Cas. 

Cas lubed up his fingers and reached around to finger Dean’s ass, and Dean moved against them, which also meant friction for their cocks, and they both moaned out, sweaty and smiling.

It wasn’t long before Dean was riding Cas right there in the hallway, and Cas had always heard that thing about new couples doing it everywhere in their apartments. Cas and Dean weren’t exactly new, but the apartment was and Cas didn’t even mind how hard the floor was against his back, his tailbone being pressed into it.

He loved the sight of Dean like this. He was looking up at the freckled man, and Dean was too busy enjoying himself to look back down at Cas. He was sweaty and had a horrible farmer’s tan, but he was _beautiful_. And then Dean leaned back a little and Cas saw his face transform as he apparently hid just the right spot. Dean came all over the both of them. 

Cas came all over Dean’s insides, but when he rolled off of Cas the semen dripped onto the rug anyway. Neither of them even cared.

They were covered in semen and sweat and had rug burns in various places when they took their first shower together.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean and Cas wanting to move in together posed no problem and Dean was soon added to the lease. That meant spending the first half of summer driving back and forth between Moses Lake and Seattle with stuff they need/want in the apartment and things that’d ended up in the “can live without” pile. How did they both have so much _stuff_?! 

Dean’s Star Wars Episode I poster was framed and hung next to the Wizard of Oz one and Charlie luckily approved, as she was the one who’d gifted Dean his poster as well.

In between getting settled in the apartment and throwing and going to housewarmings, Dean applied to every job he was qualified for in Seattle, and Cas read the orientation books he’d received in the mail out on their balcony.

Dean’s medical record was a short obstacle, because Dr. Singer ended up recommending Dean to a friend of his. A Frank Devereaux who owned an electronics store. He even employed Charlie on Dean’s recommendation as well.

It was in mid-August when Charlie rushed into their apartment without knocking. They should probably remember to lock it. They were living in a big city now, after all. But what about the neighbor-community Cas so wanted?!

Cas was just happy she hadn’t caught them having sex – not this time! – he was sincerely over all of his friends and family and Dean’s family having seen them limbs entwined and in various stages of undress. 

Gosh, was it good to have an apartment with Dean.

Anyway. Charlie was catching her breath, so Cas took the time to call Dean in. He’d been watering the plants on the balcony. He’d added at least five plants out there and Cas hadn’t even known Dean gave a rat’s ass about any of that.

He still had the elephant shaped water can in hand, but put it on the coffee table when he saw Charlie. He instantly frowned, worried.

“What happened?” he asked. Charlie held up a hand for them to wait, took one last deep breath and stood up from resting her hands on her knees.

“It has come to my attention that Pride is in four days. How I coulda missed that, I know not. Doesn’t matter. Y’all are coming, right?” she sat on a chair next to the folded down dinner table.

Cas leant against the kitchen counter where he’d been making vegan muffins. He didn’t really know what Pride was. He was out and proud, sure, but what was the capital P-Pride about? Before he could ask Dean shook his head with a laugh,

“Are you kidding? Why would we go to that?”

Charlie looked incredulously at him, “are _you_ kidding? Why wouldn’t you? You’ll standing up for equality while have a huge weekend long party.”

Dean pursed his lips, clearly thinking it over. It sounded pretty good to Cas. Dean shrugged, then looked at him, “what do you think, babe?”

Cas smiled widely, “I would love to go!”

“Wonderful! That settles it. Come to my place on Saturday for brunch, then we’ll go from there.” Charlie said.

Dean huffed, “are you kidding? Come here, our apartment is bigger and Cas is a better cook.”

It was a lie, Cas wasn’t a _good_ cook, he just actually _cooked_. Instead of just heating up leftover take-out like all of his friends, or sustained his body on cereal, like Dean seemed to do whenever Cas wasn’t there. No wonder he wasn’t gaining the weight back.

But none of that mattered. The plan was made. And Cas was excited.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Cas was sitting on their blanket in the park next to Jo and Pam who’d come as allies (or maybe Pam was bi? Cas couldn’t get a straight answer from her. Maybe that was a clue. Heh). There were a few other people sitting there as well, people they’d met there. 

Dean and Charlie had gotten up to dance to the live band and he’d lost sight of them. 

Everyone was drunk, except for Dean, but he was the biggest extrovert and if anyone could have fun at a party while being sober it was Dean. And maybe Charlie. But she always got drunk, so he didn’t know for sure, and it was completely irrelevant.

It was a good thing Dean loved his car so much, because he was always the designated driver. 

“I’m gonna go buy more beer!” Pam said. She really shouldn’t go alone. She was wearing a rainbow-colored bikini top and a pair of very small, black jean shorts. Someone had gifted her a pink cowboy hat with feathers around the rim, and the word ‘princess’ printed in rhinestones across it, on their way through the parade. Well, actually they'd gifted it to Dean, he'd regifted it to Pam.

When Cas voiced his concerns, she winked, “you think I’m going alone?” and Cas saw the dark-haired girl behind her. She was a little shorter than Pam, but looked just as mean. Maybe even meaner, actually. Cas had greeted her, but had long forgotten her name. 

Jo took another sip of the bottle of Jack they’d brought along, before handing it to Cas. He actually should switch to beer. Or water.

He didn’t get to take a sip, because someone stumbled into him and made him pour it onto the blanket instead. He put the lid back on.

Someone leaned well into Cas’ personal space (and that said a lot, considering Cas’ definition of personal space). Cas turned to look at who he expected to be Dean or Charlie.

“Heey,” some guy who looked to be a few years older slurred at him. Cas cringed. He smelled like liquor. 

“Uhm, hello.”

“You’re a cute little one,” he stroked Cas’ cheek, and Cas leaned back uncomfortable. He tried to look at Jo for help, but she was busy shotgunning a beer with two of the un-creepy strangers.

“Th-thank you,” he stammered out. Maybe he should just get up and leave? But what if the creep followed him? Better to stay around his friends, right? He really hoped Dean would come back.

Then Dean did come back, half his face had been painted as a rainbow but most of it'd been sweat of, and he’d lost his shirt somewhere it seemed. He came walking towards them from behind the creepy guy’s back and when he saw the way Cas looked at him, his smile vanished in favor of a determined look.

“Excuse me,” Dean said, still standing up. 

The stranger turned and looked up at Dean, and Cas got legit scared, when he saw the look on Dean’s face then. He was afraid he was going to faint, right then and there.

“A-Alistair,” Dean got out, and the freak – Alistair???? – got up, smirking at Dean.

“Dean. Long time no see. Aren’t you just as pretty as ever,” he said, stumbling slightly and leaning towards Dean. Cas could only watch as his boyfriend froze up completely. Cas didn’t know what to do. 

Luckily Jo had caught on to the whole thing, and even though she was drunk off her ass she called someone. Cas hoped it was 911. 

“You’re still Daddy’s little girl?” he said and then something happened with in Dean. Cas saw the resoluteness on his face and he was shocked when Dean spat right into Alastair’s face. Before he knew what had happened Alastair was on top of Dean, hand squeezing his throat.

Cas and Jo got on Alastair’s back at the same time and before he knew it he was being pulled back so the guards could get at Alastair. 

Three guards were holding him down as he was screaming and spitting, and when they started to drag him away, kicking.

Dean was shaking, but had sat up. Cas kneeled down in front of him. “Dean? Dean! Look at me!” he did, with big scared eyes, and then suddenly turned away from Cas to vomit on the grass. 

A fourth guard came over. “What happened?”

Dean couldn’t talk, or maybe he could, but he didn’t. Cas pulled his sweatshirt out of the tote he’d brought and put around his shoulders.  
Jo talked to the guard and then her, Cas and Dean were asked to come to the station to give statements. 

“It won’t take more than half an hour,” he said.

But when Dean told them his past with the attacker they ended up staying well into the night. Dean for questions, Cas and Jo and eventually Pam in the waiting room.

Jo was sleeping, curled up on two plastic chairs and Pam was playing Angry Birds. Cas couldn’t stop pacing.

He finally got to take Dean home at 2am, driving Baby for the first time.

They went straight to bed, Dean staring into the darkness of the room, tears chasing each other down the side of his face. Cas kept his arms around Dean, whispering comforting things in his ear that he weren’t sure Dean even heard. 

He ended up falling asleep pressed to Dean. He wasn’t sure Dean ever did fall asleep that night.


	13. Struggles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is struggling, it's clear to everyone but Dean.

When Dean arrived at his work in the tiny, dusty electronics store owned by someone even more depressed than himself, Charlie was already there. 

“I thought you were going to take a few days off,” she said, and sounded surprised even though she’d gotten him a coffee.

“Why would I? It’s not a big deal. Besides I should be more calm now that I know he’s gonna be locked up.” He sipped his coffee. His stomach turned a little. It was the first thing he’d gotten into his system that day. Except for nicotine.

Come to think of it he hadn’t really eaten that much in the past three days, since the whole… incident. Cas had made him eat a muffin when they’d initially woken up, but anxiety had kept him from keeping it down. He thought for a minute. The Mac and Cheese (with broccoli, ugh) Cas had made the night before couldn’t be the only thing he’d eaten in three days, could it? Fuck. He was supposed to be _gaining_ weight.

“So you’re really doing okay?” Charlie looked skeptical. Cas had too.

“Yeah. I mean, there’s some anxiety, but it’s not too bad. I have an appointment with Dr. Singer tomorrow. Gonna get his input,” it had been Cas’ idea. Originally. When Dean had had that anxiety attack yesterday morning he’d called Dean’s mother and then that was just that, wasn’t it? Dean. Was. Fine.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dr. Singer had told Dean to take a few days off and he spent every minute of them with Cas. Some of it accompanied by their friends, but mostly just with Cas. Everyone who was going to university was supposed to start next week for orientation. 

Dean knew Cas would be busy then, because there were a bunch of welcome-parties and even more ‘welcome back’ parties that Cas had been invited to via his student email. Plus all the classes, of course. Cas was probably gonna be more occupied with classes than with parties. God, Dean shoulda gone to college. He’d show ’em how it was done.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

It was raining mildly on Cas’ first day. He was in the bathroom, still studying himself in the mirror and Dean tried not to laugh at him. He didn’t have to go to work until later in the afternoon, but he wanted to drive Cas to school. He buttered their toasted muffins and called out for Cas, who came to eat with him. 

It was obvious and hilarious, and somewhat adorable, that Cas had tried to do something different with his hair, because it was always a mess. Always. Now even more so. Dean laughed as he reached over to smooth it down a little, earning himself a petulant scowl from Cas. Dean just kissed him. Then Cas giggled. Moron. Moron who makes his heart beat faster.

Once he came home from dropping Cas off, he spent five hours sketching on a take away menu and staring into space. Luckily he remembered to go to work.

He wasn’t working with Charlie that day, it was just him. The store was never busy, so he spent his shift doodling on a receipt and staring into space.

He came home, and didn’t really know what to do. Cas wasn’t there yet. But he couldn’t be long. Dean thought it’d be awfully considerate of him to make dinner, so he started making lasagna. He was browning the meat when his phone vibrated in his pocket, and he smiled when he saw Cas’ picture on his screen.

“Hey, babe,” Dean opened a can of tomatoes.

“Hello, sweetie,” so gay, “I am not going to be there for dinner. We are going to a pub, some of my new peers and I.” 

Dean should have fucking known. Just because he was awkward it didn’t mean he wasn’t stellar at making friends. He decided not to tell him he had started cooking.

“Oh, okay. Well, have fun. See you tonight.” Dean said, turning off the stove and the oven that had been preheating.

“I will see you. Remember to eat dinner. I love you,” Cas said. “Love you,” Dean hung up.

He went into the living room and sat down. It had gotten dark, and he should probably get up and turn on the lights. But now that he was sitting down, the thought of getting up filled him with dread. 

But Alastair was in prison. Right? Dean hadn’t dared to follow up, scared that it’d get back to Alastair somehow, and he’d be able to get Dean’s address or Cas’ name. He hadn't answered when the police had called either.

He didn’t even tell his hands to reach for the paper towel, brown with dried coffee, and the pen he’d been solving a crossword with yesterday. 

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Cas unlocked the door and it sounded like he almost tripped over Dean’s boots, and Dean looked down at what he’d been doing. The browned paper towel was filled with an intricate pattern. Not one that made any sense to Dean. 

How long had he been sitting there?

“Hey, Cas,” he got up.

“Dean? I thought you had retreated to bed. Why are you sitting in the dark?” Cas asked and finally flipped the switch in the hallway. It lit up the lamp in the living room ceiling, bathing the apartment in soft light that annoyed Dean’s eyes. Damn energy-saving light bulbs.

“I don’t know,” he didn’t wanna dwell on it, “did you have fun? What time is it?”

“Yes, it was quite fun. The girl Pam met at Pride was there. She kept calling me Clarence, so I believe she might be slightly deaf or have a horrible memory. School is going to be hard for her.” He looked at his watch, “and it is currently 10 pm.” That wasn’t too bad.

Dean chuckled, “she’s messing with you, babe.”

Cas stopped in his tracks. He was in the middle of taking off his shoes. “Oh.” How could he be so fucking cute? The way his soaked hair was sticking to his forehead didn’t help matters. Dean hadn't even heard the sound of heavy rain outside, but he noticed it now.

Cas went to the kitchen and Dean went to throw away the paper towel, before Cas could get worried.

“What is this?” Cas asked, and oh yeah. He’d actually kind of left a giant mess in the kitchen.

“Uh, it was going to be lasagna. But I guess I lost motivation somewhere along the way.”

Dean walked up the Cas who was holding the pot of cold, and by now, disgusting-looking meat sauce.

“If you had told me you were making dinner I would have come home, Dean,” Cas said, looking pretty upset. Ugh, why hadn’t he cleaned it up? This was exactly the kind of thing he wanted to avoid. It was for the same reason he had thrown away the paper towel. He did not want Cas to worry.

“I didn’t want you missing out. The first month is really when you make friends, you know. Don’t worry about it,” he kissed Cas. Cas stopped frowning and kissed him back.

Then he leaned back and Dean could just _tell_ that he wasn’t letting it go that easy.

“Dean, if you did not finish the lasagna, then what did you eat?”

He couldn’t come up with anything and the way Cas was looking more upset and suspicious stressed him out so he just said, “I don’t remember. Grilled cheese?”

Cas sighed. He obviously didn’t believe him. “There are only the unwashed dishes from our breakfast in the sink. Have you not eaten since breakfast?”

Dean didn’t see the point in trying to keep lying now. So he had to do some damage control, “I’m sorry, Cas. I wasn’t hungry.” His boyfriend said nothing.

“You know Dr. Singer upped my dosage again, it makes me lose my appetite.”

Cas poured out the ruined meat sauce. Then he dumped the pot in the sink. Dean winced, he was angry.

“What exactly does that matter, Dean?” he looked at Dean sternly, “since you are not taking them anyway?”

“What?” Well, now that he mentioned it…

“I have not seen you take them in days. So I found the bottle to see if it looked like you were taking them. It is still sealed.” He planted his hands on his hips.

Dean sighed. Fuck. Things were actually kind of bad, then. “I-I didn’t even realize. I’m sorry, Cas.”

His features softened. “I do not wish for you to apologize, my love. I wish for you to tell me – or anyone – when you are not feeling well. And you are not. Not since you saw Alastair at Pride.” 

“I’ll take my pills, okay? I really am fine, I just forgot.” His skin crawled at the sound of his name.

Cas cradled Dean’s face in his hands, “you are not eating. You are getting anxiety attacks. You are not fine.” It was getting kind of annoying. Cas didn’t know. Yeah, so he’d been a little forgetful and was suffering the consequences. Didn’t need a fucking nanny.

He stepped away from Cas, “you need to calm the fuck down, okay? I’m perfectly fine, it doesn’t have anything to do with… Pride. I. Just. _forgot!_ ”

Dean went into the bedroom and slammed the door. It was pointless, Cas was right behind him. Dean sat on his side of the bed, frowning at his hands. He wanted to cry and apologize to Cas and for Cas to leave him the fuck alone.

The younger man crawled over to Dean and took his hand. Dean looked up at him. “I apologize. I am just really worried about you. You are only getting thinner, and you have been scribbling some very complicated – and sometimes somewhat disturbing – things on every piece of paper you have been near for the past few days.”

Dean didn’t say anything. So Cas continued, “it appears to be an outlet for you. The drawing? There are some free courses at the school. Perhaps you could sign up for drawing classes?”

He looked at Cas. That actually sounded kind of fun. It’d be better than weekly appointments with Dr. Singer, which was where Dean had figured he was headed. He nodded. “Yeah, okay. That sounds cool.”

Cas smiled kind of somberly and pulled Dean down so they were lying down. He listened to Cas heartbeat. And was filled with affection. “I fucking love you, Cas. I’m sorry… About all this.”

He could feel Cas smile against his forehead, “I love you too, Dean. That is why I have to be such a pestilence. And you do not have to apologize. Just please… Be honest. With yourself, at least.”

“Yeah. How’d I ever get a catch like you?”

“You’re very beautiful. And you do wonderful things with your tongue.”

Dean shoved Cas playfully. And Cas shoved him back and suddenly they were having a full-on pillow fight and even though Dean was panting by the end, he finally felt like he could breathe again.

Then they got ready for bed and Dean had to be reminded to take those fucking meds. Jesus Christ, right? He’d been on them for the past nine months, why was he starting to forget them _now_?

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

He was back home the next weekend. The leaves were already turning orange with the seaon. Cas was still up in Seattle, but Dean had needed to see his family. Also he’d made a secret appointment back there.

He felt kind of silly and was sort of trying to sneak out when Sam noticed him. “Where are you going?”

“I have- I have an appointment.”

“With Dr. Singer? Thought he was off on weekends.”

“Nooo, not with Dr. Singer, with someone else.”

“Who?” fucking snot-nosed kid.

“None of your business!” Dean hissed, temporarily losing his patience.

Sam gave him a calculating glance. “You aren’t cheating on Cas, are you?”

How rude! “You think I moved to Seattle to move in with him, only to have an affair back here? Maybe you’re the crazy one, not me.”

“You are not crazy! Neither of us are. And if you’re not cheating on Cas, then _where_ are you going?”

Dean rolled his eyes in surrender, “I’m going to House of Ink, the tattoo parlor up on Main Street, okay? Don’t tell mom and dad.”

Sam face positively lit up, “can I come?!”

And Dean didn’t really have more time to spare to argue with his bitch of a little brother, and besides it might be nice to have someone there with him. “Fine.”

So Sam was sitting in the chair next to Dean, who was sitting on the bench. It smelled like antiseptic and ink, and a little bit like sweat, but that was probably Dean himself. He was fucking nervous.

“First tattoo?” the guy asked. He had a tattoo covering almost half his face, not unlike the tattoo Stu wakes up with in the Hangover Part II.

Dean shook his head, “I’ve had two, one covering the other.” 

“Alright. So show me what you want.”

Dean pulled out his phone to show him the symbol. It was a circle with a star in the middle, black flames around it. Anti-possession charm. He’d instantly liked the idea. 

“I was thinking it should go on my chest.” Dean put his hand over his heart.

“Shouldn’t be a problem. Just take off your shirt, I’ll go sketch this up for ya.”

Dean pulled of his shirt, and felt bad when he saw Sam trying to hard not to stare. He really had lost quite a bit of weight. It wasn’t like he could count his ribs or anything, but he’d been naturally broad-shouldered since he was 15.

“I’m okay, Sam,” he thought it’d be better to address it than Sam going home and telling their mom. If both Cas _and_ Sam pestered her about it, he’d probably be stuck in hospital with an eating disorder label. He really didn’t need that right now. Or ever.

So he should probably start eating something… Hm.

The tattoo guy came back, “this about the size you want?” Dean confirmed, and the artist transferred the motive to Dean’s chest.

He looked in the mirror. Yeah, this was a good choice. “It looks cool,” Sam said. 

“Right?” Dean looked at the rest of his upper body in the mirror. Ugh, his shoulders were pathetic. He vowed to go for a cheeseburger after this. Maybe even two.

It didn’t take long, and it didn’t hurt too bad, and before Dean knew it he was putting his shirt back on and shaking the guy’s hand. “Thank you so much.”

“You're welcome. Come back anytime.”

When they went to McDonald’s drive through Dean had forgotten all about the burgers he’d promised himself.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

He got home around midday on Sunday. He walked in, took off his jacket and boots, threw his keys in the bowl on the table in the hallway. Then he stopped dead in his tracks.

A dark-haired girl was sitting on their couch. And Dean coulda sworn Cas was a dark-haired _guy_. She was looking at Dean, frozen as well, grape half-way to her mouth.

“Uh. Hello. What are you doing in my home?” Dean asked, looking around for sign of Cas. The only one was his notebook, laptop and schoolbooks spread out on the table across from where what he guessed was the girl’s things.

The girl popped the grape in her mouth and relaxed back into the couch, crossing her legs. “You’re Clarence’s boyfriend? He wasn’t lying, holy fuck, you’re hot.”

Oh. That Meg-girl that Pam had slept with weeks ago.

Dean just lifted an eyebrow at her.

“Right, you lover-boy is out for coffee.”

Dean had just passed Starbucks on his way here. Judging from the line he’d seen Cas would be a while. He just shrugged.

“I’m going for a smoke,” he said and went to the balcony, stepping into the flipflops Cas had bought him. Meg stepped into Cas’.

“Bum one?” She asked and Dean tapped his pack to get another one out. Then handed her the lighter after lighting his up.

“Thanks.” Dean just nodded.

After a minute’s silence, “so you’re Meg, right?” he should probably confirm it.

“Yeah. He’s talked about me?”

“You’ve been mentioned. You know who does talk about you though? Pam,” Dean smirked at Meg’s double take. 

“You know Pam?”

“She’s one of my closest friends. You should give her a call.” He looked at the line of caffeine-addicts across the street.

“So… Does that mean that Cas knows her too?” Dean nodded.

He spotted Cas leaving the Starbucks, two coffees and a paper bag in hand. God, he was so attractive.

“Dean?” Meg said all serious-like, which was weird because they’d only just met. He gave her a questioning look.

“Cas said you knew Alastair?” he didn’t say anything.

“I did too.” She told him and then Cas walked in the door.

Meg put out her cigarette in the ashtray then went back inside to get her coffee. Dean was left mum, staring after her. Then he threw his cigarette in the ashtray and went in after her.

“Dean! I was not aware you would be home already. I would have bought you a coffee.” Cas said, walking over to Dean. He pecked Dean’s lips, and when his hand touched his chest Dean’s jerked back.

“It’s okay. I’ve had plenty this weekend. My family are all serious addicts.” 

Cas laughed, “alright. Did you have fun? Did you eat today?”

“Yeah, they all say hi. Even though you’re on the phone with them more than I am. I had breakfast before I left.”

“Do you want lunch?” Cas asked. Dean refrained from rolling his eyes. But for some reason, he was actually hungry for once. 

“Don’t you guys have homework to tend to?” Dean asked, walking over to the kitchen.

Cas and Meg started discussing something super lame that Dean didn’t even care enough about to listen to (actually he did, he was totally interested in all of Cas’ classes, he was studying European Literature (freak)), and he didn’t even notice he started whistling while making a PB&J.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Later in the evening after Meg had left, Dean and Cas were making dinner together. He fucking loved these evenings, getting to goof off, playing air guitar while waiting for the water to boil while Cas cut vegetables. 

Cas finished cutting the vegetables and was just looking at Dean acting like a weirdo, so Dean grabbed his wrist, “dance with me!”

Cas was extremely clumsy, that hadn’t changed in the year they’d known each other, so he tripped over his own feet and stumbled right into Dean, hand pushing against his chest. Dean grunted in pain and Cas immediately let go, “what is wrong?”

Dean felt a little ridiculous for getting a tattoo without telling Cas and now he had to do some stupid ‘big reveal’ and he didn’t know how, so he just said “nothing. Sore, I guess.”

It was clear Cas didn’t believe him as he squinted up at Dean. The water had started boiling.

Dean grabbed the noodles and poured half the bag’s content in.

“Dean.” He turned to look at Cas. He could be kind of terrifying sometimes and if that just didn’t do all sorts of things to Dean’s insides. He accidentally dropped all the noodles into the pot. Whatever.

Cas stepped closer to Dean, a serious look in his eyes. “Tell me you are not cutting again. And do not lie to me.” Aw, fuck. 

“No! Cas- no, I’m- that’s not. I… I got a tattoo, okay? I’m not harming myself.” Dean stumbled over his words trying a little too hard to reassure Cas. But he wasn’t lying. 

Cas looked surprised to put it mildly, “you did what?”

“Yeah… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, it was just…” Dean trailed off, so Cas finished for him, “something you needed to do for yourself?” Dean nodded. God, he was so lucky. Cas just _got him_ in a way no one had before. Well, maybe Sam. Cas was hotter though. And… that was inappropriate, nevermind.

“May I see it?” Cas asked, as if there was a possibility Dean would say no.

He pulled off his shirt. Cas reached out towards the film-covered black tattoo, but didn’t make contact. “An anti-possession symbol?” Of course Cas knew what it was. Fucking nerd.

Dean smiled though, “yeah… I don’t know, I just- It felt right.”

Cas nodded, eyes still on the fresh tattoo. “I like it,” he looked up at Dean, “it suits you.” He gave him that crooked smile, where he just lifted one side of his mouth. Dean couldn’t help himself from kissing the shit out of him. Figuratively, obviously. 

Then the water started boiling too much and spluttered all over the stove making it hiss. Cas removed it and went back to kissing Dean. “How hungry are you?” he asked with that glint in his eye that could only mean one thing.

“I can wait,” Dean grinned, before pretty much being hauled to the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone here have an anti-possession tattoo?


	14. Halloween: Everybody Scream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Halloween and Cas can't hold his liquor.

It was 2am and Cas was sitting at the dinner table. He’d turned off the music in his headphones after his fourth coffee, because the beat was too slow. Now the only sounds in their apartment were Cas’ clicking on the keyboard and Dean’s soft snores coming from the bedroom. 

He had an exam on to write, a psychoanalytical reading of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. It was due in 8 hours. It wasn’t like Cas to postpone things like this, but he’d been caught up in other homework/exams, new and old friends, and Dean seemingly not eating anymore.

Actually, what worried him the most wasn’t even the lack of appetite or the, by now, bordering on dangerous weight loss. It was the fact that Dean didn’t seem to realize that there even was a problem. He wouldn’t take his meds if Cas didn’t remind him. He wouldn’t eat if Cas wasn’t there. If they didn’t eat together he was still only eating cereal. 

He knew it had to do with seeing Alastair again, but it was two months ago now. Luckily his anxiety had gone down a little when Dr. Singer had doubled the dose of his meds back to the original dosage, and also when Dean started the drawing course that was offered at the school. Maybe it was a coincidence. Cas didn’t really think so. 

Dean was extremely bright, he needed stimulation. That was obvious. If left to himself he would read an entire library in three months, or doodle intricate, complicated designs on every surface near him.

Frig! He had to get back to the whole castration anxiety. Cheeze-its, if he could just get out two more pages he’d meet the minimum and could go to bed.

He did an hour later. 

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Even though the sun was right on him, blinding him whenever he looked up, the air was cold. He should really go inside, he almost couldn’t read because he kept shivering and his teeth kept clattering. Somehow the feeling of the fresh air was worth it. He heard the old door creak as it was opened. Dean came out, leather jacket and scarf securely on, cigarette tucked behind an ear, Cas’ lined trench coat in one hand, drawing pad in the other. He sat down next to Cas on the Gabriel-stolen bench.

“Thank you, I was just considering going to get it myself.” He watched Dean put the cigarette between his lips and lighting it.

“You’re welcome. Wouldn’t want you walking any extra steps, princess,” his lips moved around the cigarette, but there was a smile there. He stumbled to get his lighter back in his pocket. 

“Shut up,” Cas knocked Dean’s knee with his own. Dean took the lit cigarette from between his lips and rested it between two fingers. Then he kissed Cas very shortly, but very softly. Maybe Cas should take a study break and suck him off? Right here on the balcony. He blushed at his thoughts.

He didn’t get to act on them before Dean had pulled the pad into his lap and continued sketching.

Cas read another chapter. Then he pretended to read another one, as he stared at Dean over the top of his book. He was so hot when he concentrated.

But apparently he wasn’t concentrating that hard, because without looking up he asked, “why are you staring at me?”

Cas choked on a little bit of spit. “I was thinking about your penis,” he didn’t even get to consider _not_ saying that. He couldn’t regret it when Dean instantly got that look on his face and put his drawing pad on the thick railing. Yeah, there was not a chance Cas wasn’t going to suck him off now.

He reached over to Dean on the love seat sized bench, pulling on his shirt to get to his mouth with his own. He felt Dean pulling him onto him, opening his legs to let Cas sit in-between them. 

They were kissing passionately, Dean’s hands in Cas’ hair, Cas' hands travelling south. Well, scrambling south, wanting to feel Dean hard dick in his hand. And mouth. Sigh. What a cockslut he’d turned out to be. He wasn’t even mad.

He pushed Dean’s shirt up to get better access to his pants, and he kind of hated the way his hip bones were pointing out, but he didn’t let it deter him. Dean would always be sexy as heck to Cas. 

Unbuttoning Dean’s pants he quickly let out his penis and started stroking it, Dean moaning and murmuring really dirty things. Cas didn’t know if he hoped someone was out on one of the other balconies or not. 

Cas saw the first drops of pre-cum at Dean’s head, and then he finally reached down with his mouth, licking at his slit. Dean let out a string of curse words. It seemed he was learning more. Or maybe he was just getting creative. 

Maybe Cas couldn’t deep-throat like Dean could, but at least he let Dean fuck up into his mouth and he didn’t mind gagging on it. It wasn’t exactly comfortable, but it was kind of hot, especially when Dean would tighten his grip around Cas’ bicep, trying to restrain himself. 

Massaging his balls in one hand, he licked teasingly at Dean’s dick, which seemed to make him go crazy as he would not lie still or stop swearing and moaning. “Fuck, Cas, holy shit. You need to fucking suck on it, I- I can’t take it,” Cas looked up at Dean, still only mouthing at and licking his dick and saw sweat beginning to pearl on his forehead. 

When they made eye contact Dean seemed to lose all control and just kind of grunted before coming all over Cas’ face. Cas barely pulled all the way back, before Dean was sitting up, fingers wiping at the semen, “oh my god, Cas, I’m so sorry! I woulda warned you, but you’re just too fucking good,” he looked genuinely sorry, though he didn’t have to.

“So it’s my fault,” he was hoping for a joking tone, while wiping the semen off with his T-shirt. It was Dean’s shirt anyway. 

“No! Nonono-n-“ then it seemed to translate, “oh. You little fucker,” Dean smiled. Then he relaxed back on the bench, pulling on Cas’ hand. “you’re kind of nasty, you know,” Dean told him, licking _his own_ semen off Cas’ chin. Cas pushed him off, it tickled.

“You like it.”

“Oh boy, do I.”

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Garth and Pam was over for dinner that night. Charlie was LARPing with new friends, and Jo had a study group session, so they couldn’t make it.

“So what are you guys gonna be for Halloween? I was thinking werewolf. Maybe we could do a theme-“ Garth was interrupted.

“Halloween? Fuck! That’s in two weeks. Fuck me, I’m stressed out now! We have to throw a party.” Pam cut into her chicken.

“Why is that so important?” Dean asked skeptically. 

“Uh, hallo. 1) I’ve told all my new friends how awesome you guys are, so I have to introduce you all, and 2) Cas is friends with Meg, so we could invite her,” she counted off her fingers.

“You’re a thirsty-ass bitch,” Dean told her and a carrot came flying at his face. He ducked. Darn Winchester reflexes.

Cas was excited at the prospect so he quickly finished chewing and swallowed. “I would love to throw a Halloween party. I think a theme would be a wonderful idea, Garth.”

“Can it be ‘slutty versions of everyday things’?” Pam looked too excited,

“Cas, the theme is Halloween,” Dean was such a grumpy old man about some things.

“Stop with your negativity,” he teased. “Do you not think it would be a good idea, though? The party, theme or not.”

Dean rolled his eyes, “uhm, hello, the theme is Halloween! There is a theme.” So he was avoiding the question. Typically meant he didn’t want to do it. He hoped he could convince him.

“Please, honey. You have not made many friends here, I think it would be good for you to meet new people,” Cas pointedly cut into a potato.

“Are you trying to set me up with someone?” Cas would not dignify that with an answer.

“And excuse you, but I moved here because all my friends did. Why do I need new ones? And besides, I’ve met people at the drawing course.”

“Then invite them!” Cas smiled in that annoying little-brother way that seemed to grate all older brother nerves. Or it at least pissed both Gabriel and Dean off in an instant. Dean sighed, but he was smiling. He’d been convinced!

 

It wasn’t until he was clearing the table with help from Garth, while Pam and Dean smoked on the balcony, that he realized that Dean’s plate was still half full. 

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

An annoying standard cellphone tone that he recognized as his ring tone woke him up one morning. One beautiful Saturday, no 8am class, no class at all-morning. It stopped. Dean voice was heard. Then it came closer,

“It’s Anna,” he shoved the phone to Cas’ ear, then turned back around already back asleep.

Cas pulled on one of Dean’s T-shirts and tiptoed into the living room, closing the door carefully behind him.

“Hello,” his voice was even gruffer than usual. He should _always_ brush his teeth after late night blowjobs! When will he learn?!

“’Morning Cas!” she sang on the other end. He grunted, throwing away the day-old coffee filter.

“It’s lovely to hear your voice too, and I am well, thank you!” she said, just as chipper as before.

“What do you want?” he pretty much groaned at her.

“I just wanted to hear how things were. I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever. Dean texts me all the time though. Mostly emojis and pictures of you sleeping.” He should remember to ask Dean about that.

“I am doing well. Busy with school. How are you?”

“Good, same. You coming home for Thanksgiving?”

“Of course. Hey Anna, may I ask you a question?” Cas wasn’t feeling too groggy anymore. Maybe it was the sound of the coffee machine that’d conditioned him.

“Shoot.” 

“How do I know if someone has an eating disorder?” He thought he’d be an expert at recognizing the patterns, but this was nothing like Anna. There’d been a distinct cycle.

“Are you making friends with sorority girls or something?” she asked.

“It is about Dean.” Anna was silent on the other end, but he could hear her breathing.

“What’s he doing?” the smile was gone from her voice.

“Well, it is more what he is not doing. He doesn’t really eat, and thus keeps losing weight. Whenever I have attempted to bring it up, he has claimed appetite loss or forgetfulness.” Cas stares at the brown liquid dripping into the pot.

“Hm,” more silence. Then, “you should tell his mom. Get her to tell his therapist.” When Cas said he had tried telling Mary, she continued, “then make her understand that it’s serious!” He swallowed. His eyes burned with tears threatening to fall.

“Alright. Thank you.” They said goodbye with promises of seeing each other at Thanksgiving and then hung up.

He poured himself a cup of coffee. Then he called Mary, thinking it’d be better to do it before Dean woke up. 

He shivered at the air of a Seattle fall morning. He put on Dean’s leather jacket and felt kind of cool with the scent of tobacco all around him. He pulled the blanket he’d left out there yesterday around his legs. The phone was answered.

“Good morning, Cas,” it was Sam.

“Good morning, Sam. May I talk to Mary, please?” he sipped his coffee, enjoying its warmth travelling through his body.

“Is something wrong?” Sam instantly sounded worried and Cas felt sympathy. 

“No, there is just something I must discuss with her,” he said patiently.

Sam mock gasped, definitely something he’d learned from Dean, the drama queen, “are you gonna ask for his hand in marriage?!” Cas luckily didn’t have to answer because Mary finally got to the phone.

“’Morning Cas, how are you?”

Cas forgot about politeness and he’d probably kick himself up over it later, “I think something is going on with Dean. He is not eating. I know I said it before, but it has not changed. I am afraid he is losing too much weight.”

Mary paused. “What happened?”

Cas didn’t know so he couldn’t tell her. He just asked her to tell Dr. Singer, which she promised. They hang up after promising to see each other soon. Cas emptied the dregs of his coffee, then started to get up. He froze when he saw a very pissed-looking Dean in the door opening. 

“I have told you that I am fine, so _I am FINE!_ ” Dean yelled. Cas hated when he yelled. He so rarely did. Rarely did at Cas anyway.

Dean went inside and Cas quickly followed him, “you are not, Dean! You clearly are not fine! I’m worried, okay? You are losing weight and you are lying to me about it. You do not even seem to acknowledge that there is a problem!” He was so desperate. Dean was only wearing sweatpants, and yes, Cas did have his jacket, but if Dean left Cas was scared what he’d do to himself. If he was starving himself, self-harm couldn’t be far over the horizon.

“It’s the meds!” Dean yelled.

Cas was very close to crying, but he didn’t want to, he wanted this to be serious. “No it isn’t, Dean! You _know_ it isn’t.”

“Okay, so it isn’t the meds, WHATEVER! You have no right to call my fucking _mom_ to set up a fucking appointment with my therapist. I’m an adult, and it’s not your place! Why don’t you just call the loony bin?!” 

“Dean, I am not suggesting that you are crazy,” Dean started crying, and even though Cas didn’t know if it was with rage or sadness, it made tears roll down his face too. “And I’m sorry, but I’m out of my mind with worry. I just want you to be happy.”

Dean seemed to muster up some strength and he spat “I’m not happy, okay? I’m not _going to be_ happy. That’s just not gonna happen for me. If you want to be with me you have to accept that I am a _deeply_ fucked up person, and I always will be.” Then he broke down into sobs and Cas put his arms around him, leading him to the couch.

He stroked his hair, then rubbed circles into his back. When Dean’s sobs died down, Cas said, “I know depression is always going to be part of your life. But you can be happy, you can work with it. But you _have_ to be honest with how and what you are doing. If you fall into a hole, please just tell me. Instead of harming yourself, causing you to feel guilty and just making everything worse.” Dean didn’t say anything.

After a minute Cas started again, “I will always love you, Dean. And I’m not doing any of this to hurt you. I’m doing it because I don’t want you to hurt.” Dean nodded against Cas’ chest.

They kept sitting like that, in a tight embrace until Dean’s stomach growled. Dean pulled away and though there were dried streaks of tears on his cheeks, he gave Cas a small smile. He felt butterflies bubble up in his stomach. “Come on, I’ll make you breakfast.” 

Dean stood up with him, but then stopped, making Cas turn around, giving him a questioning look.

“I’m gonna call my mom. Might as well get it all over with,” he said and went to the coat rack, pulled on Cas’ trench coat (since Cas had never taken the leather jacket off) and went outside. Cas sincerely hoped he looked better in that trench coat than his boyfriend did.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean went to see Dr. Singer the next week and got an appointment with a dietitian in Seattle. But that wasn’t until after Halloween. 

Cas had offered to cancel the party but Dean had insisted that he was too excited. It had to be because of the costume. That Dean had the audacity to call Cas a nerd was beyond him.

Saturday finally arrived and Jo spent most of the day with them, actually helping decorate and move things that could break out of the way. Who’d thought that about Jo.

“So what are you guys dressing up at? You’ve refused to tell me all week,” she said, pinning the H into the wall, -alloween left hanging against the wall.

Cas looked at Dean who was grinning excitedly. He was so adorable. And _such_ a nerd. 

“We’re gonna be Batman and Robin!” he said and Cas chuckled at his excited exclamation.

“Who’s who?” Jo took the chair she’d been standing on and moved it to the other side of the window, to pin the N.

“I’m gonna be Robin, Cas is Batman,” Dean said. He was pouring the Jell-O into the boiling water. Cas didn’t understand why they needed Jell-O shots. With gummy insects in them. Dean had argued that they were doing a _theme_ , and that when you do that you have to commit.

So Cas was fumbling with cotton spider web. 

“Is it like a bottom/top thing?” Jo asked.

Dean gasped and looked at Cas, “we have to switch!”

“Dean, no one will think about our preferred sexual positions,” Cas said. He couldn’t believe people would really care about their sex life.

“Oh Cas. You might as well put on leather pants and grab a whip. Put Dean on a leash.” Jo giggled at Dean’s outraged expression. 

“Please, Cas! Can we switch?” Dean begged. He couldn’t believe it was such a big deal. But he hadn’t really cared either way from the beginning so he complied,

“Your jaw is more chiseled anyway,” he said and Dean threw a gummy worm in his direction. Cas asked what Jo was going as.

“Well, I don’t actually have a costume. I was thinking I could just borrow some of your clothes. Go as genderbent Joe?” she shrugged.

“Hey! You can wear Cas’ trench coat, go a John Constantine!” 

She ended up just borrowing a white button down from Dean and a pair of black socks, calling herself a ‘slutty Tom Cruise in Risky Business’.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Cas was already tipsy when the first guests started arriving. He got to appreciate the first few costumes, like Benny dressed as ‘vampirate’ with an eye patch and sharp plastic teeth. Charlie, actually, came as slutty John Constantine. Cas didn’t get it.

The lights were dimmed and the were listening to that aggressive ‘work work work’ song again. Cas was kind of starting to like it, and he tapped his foot as he tipped his head back, awkwardly trying to get the darn Jell-O out of the tiny paper cup.

He hadn’t seen Dean since Meg had arrived, they seemed content chain smoking on the balcony. Maybe Meg didn’t drink either. Cas didn’t really understand, hadn’t they only exchanged how much time it took to smoke one cigarette before tonight?

Benny was making out with Ruby, another of Cas’ classmates. She was wearing a fishnet body stocking (did she buy it in a sex shop??) with nothing but lingerie under it. Cas didn’t think she even had a cover, like slutty fisherman or something, she was just dressed slutty. Well, each to their own.

Pam arrived when Cas was already smashed. But it was only Jell-O! And also someone had brought that Fireball stuff. And he really did like cinnamon.

She was wearing thigh-high boots and a corset. And some really tiny shorts. But honestly, Pam would probably wear something like that on just a regular night out. 

“Where’s Meg?” she yelled over the music. Cas looked up at her. She was wearing huge eyelashes and blood-red lipstick.

“You look beauuuutiful, Pamela,” he slurred.

“Thanks. Meg, though. Where’s Meg?” Cas was sitting on the couch and he straightened his back to look around. He saw Dean’s silhouette with a cigarette in his hand. Right!

“She is smoking. I think she is trying to steal my boyfriend,” he whisper-yelled the last part.

He caught Pam rolling her eyes, “they’re both gay, you moron. I’mma go out there,” then she left.

Cas got railed into a game of ‘never have I ever’. He’d played that before, when Gabriel had dragged him to a party back in sophomore year. Back then he hadn’t had to drink _once_. So he figured he was safe.

Yeah, no. Meeting Dean actually made him have to drink on almost every single confession (that didn’t specifically involve a vagina).

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Hours had passed and he’d seen Dean a few times during the party, touched more and more of his body each time. He always disappeared after a little while though, to go smoking with Meg again.

It had thinned out in the guests but he didn’t notice. He was really, really drunk. He started feeling queasy, and his legs carried him to the bathroom on his own accord. 

Unfortunately Charlie was sleeping with her head resting in her arms on the toilet seat, and Cas didn’t have time to deal with that so he threw up in the bathtub. Gross. It splashed up the sides.

It woke Charlie up too, who mumbled something about water and the couch and left.

Cas took her position, gagged at the water down there.

Charlie must have had enough brainpower, or maybe it was someone else, under any circumstance Dean was made aware and he came to Cas’ rescue.

“Hey, babe," he said softly, stroking Cas’ hair. Cas threw up.

He was vaguely aware of Dean turning on the shower and rinsing the bathtub. Then he came to sit behind Cas. He reveled in the warmth he provided.

“’M drumk,” Cas slurred. He was trying to articulate but he couldn’t really.

“Yeah, babe, I know,” Dean said softly. He wiped the sweat off Cas’ forehead, making Cas’ head tip back on his shoulder, because he didn’t have the strength to hold it up.

He got the strength back when his stomach flipped, sending vodka-burning Jell-O up his throat. He kept throwing up into the toilet, red, blue, green and yellow mixing in the toilet bowl. Dean kept stroking his back.

When it seemed he was done vomiting and just drooling into the toilet, Dean moved. He lifted Cas up on his feet. 

“Let’s get you to bed,” and he supported Cas as they went into the bedroom, the three steps proving a short obstacle. 

He pulled the Robin suit off Cas, and kissed his forehead, “I’m gonna tell everyone to go home, and then I’ll get you some water, okay?” Cas maybe nodded. He meant to anyway.

It felt like the whole bed was spinning in circles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, I'm really at a loss as to where this story is going to go or where it should end so I might take a few days to make a synopsis or something, or least to gather my thoughts because I don't want this fic to fall apart and not be coherent anymore. 
> 
> And if that isn't a clear sign that I care more about this fanfic than my exam I don't know what is!


	15. Monster of the Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just... a few days in the life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a filler, but I think I know what to do with this now. That means there probably are going to be a few fillers, just so I can turn it around..

He was woken up by his boyfriend putting his arms around him and squeezing hard. “Ow, Cas! What the hell!” Dean said groggily. Even if he hadn’t been drinking it had still been a late night for him.

He could only see the unruly mess of Cas’ dark hair, his head pressed against Dean’s shoulder. He groaned. Dean could only imagine the kind of hangover he was suffering right now.

Dean let his hand caress Cas’ hair, and Cas looked up at him. He looked like shit. Cute shit, but shit nonetheless.

“What even happened last night?” his voice sounded rougher than usual. Probably all the puking.

“Well, let’s see. A short resume: you drank way too much, definitely couldn’t hold your liquor, and I think I saw you attempting to twerk on the coffee table to that ‘work’-song by Rihanna.”

“Oh noooo!” he said weakly. “I’m sorry, Dean. We have to move. And I really loved this apartment.”

Dean laughed and pulled Cas towards him, “don’t worry, baby. Everyone else was just as bad off.”

Cas peaked up at him, his blue eyes really standing out against the bloodshot sclera. “You’re not embarrassed over me?”

“Of course not. I love you, and I think everything you do is magical.” He grinned.

“Should I interpret that as a yes?”

Dean laughed, “no. I’m wasn’t kidding, everyone was wasted. I probably made way too many Jell-O shots. I don’t regret it for even a minute.”

Cas hummed and moved to lay his head in the crook of Dean’s neck. They lied in silence for a bit, and he thought Cas might actually have fallen asleep again. It’d do him good, to just sleep as much of it off as he could.

Then the door opened. Charlie peaked in, looking even worse for wear than Cas. “Guys,” she said weakly. “Can I join your cuddle?” she sounded to vulnerable. 

Dean grinned and held out the arm Cas wasn’t lying on, “come here.”

She shuffled over and lied down, pressed into Dean. “I think I’m still drunk,” she murmured. Before Dean could say anything Benny came in too. He didn’t look quite as bad, but he did have red lipstick smeared all over his beard. 

“If you guys promise not to tell anyone, can I join?” he said, and Dean chuckled, Charlie pushed Dean, making him push Cas, waking him up. Benny got in next to Charlie.

It was a good thing they’d brought Cas’ giant bed when they’d moved.

“Man, what a party. I vaguely remember licking salt off one nipple, taking a tequila shot from someone’s belly button and grabbing the lemon with my teeth out of someone cleavage.

Cas sat up with a rush, then clutched his head, “ow, bad idea,” he mumbled, then looked at Benny with regret in his eyes, “I think that was my nipple.”

Dean and Charlie burst out laughing, probably too loud for hung-over heads, while Benny hid his face with a pillow and Cas looked worriedly at Dean. He pulled him back down to his chest.

“You’re not mad or-or jealous, are you?” Cas asked carefully. Dean just laughed. Benny was as straight as they came.

“I don’t think you could get Benny to bottom for ya, anyway.”

“Yeah, you don’t gotta worry, brotha,” Benny said jokingly, scrubbing at his face. He seemed to realize there was red lipstick all over it, and now all over Dean and Cas’ sheets.

They grew silent again. Dean didn’t want to admit it out loud, but this was wonderful. A snuggle-orgy with all his friends? Well, most of them? Hell yeah! They should do this every weekend.

Then they heard someone walking into something and cursing out in the living room. Dean sat up on his elbows, “uh, guys. Did anyone else sleep here?” he looked at Charlie and Benny.

“I slept on the couch and Benny on the chair. Not like there was much room for sleeping anywhere else,” Charlie said, spreading her hands in an ‘I don’t know’-gesture.

Then Jo came in, white button-down still pretty much the only thing she had on. “You guys? I frigging woke up on the balcony. What the fuck even happened last night?” she clutched her head and walked over to Cas’ side of the bed, getting in.

“Well, we played ‘never have I ever’ so everyone knows all the dirty shit Cas and Dean get up to,” Dean got back up on his elbows, “what?!” They weren’t even that dirty. Maybe they had a mild exhibitionist kink and some ‘cum on each other’s face’-habits, but it wasn’t much worse than that. 

“I’m kidding. Relax. We all know what kind of shit Pam gets up to, so it’d take a lot to be the nastiest one here.” Charlie said with a bored voice.

“Benny spent all night making out with people, and apparently licking Cas’ nipple. And I think I saw you crying to a Taylor Swift song at some point,” she turned her head to address Benny. 

He shrugged a giant shoulder, “what else is new?”

After discussing what other embarrassing shit had gone down, Dean half expecting to be interrupted by Pam or Garth, someone finally did ask about the two missing squad-members.

“I know Pam left with Meg,” Dean said. When Kevin from his drawing class had come to tell him Cas was being sick in the bathroom, Dean had said goodbye to Meg, who’d smiled diabolically and said she’d go find Pam and get out of there. Dean couldn’t believe Pam was actually the one to be desperate after someone for once, but after spending all night with Meg last night, he’d have to say it made sense that she was thirsting over Meg. They were a perfect fit. 

There was gonna be some nasty fights between them though.

No one knew what had happened to Garth.

“Dean, are these parties fun for you? Like isn’t it super annoying to be surrounded by drunk idiots?” Jo asked.

“No, I really enjoy it actually. I’m used to not drinking by now, anyway. And I still get to snuggle and make fun of you guys the day after!”

“Oh, you’re so holy. ‘I can have a totally good time without alcohol, and my cross necklace totally goes with any outfit’” Benny made a high pitched voice to make fun of Dean.

“Shut the fuck up,” Dean grinned, and when Cas mumbled, “frigging Miss Congeniality” against his arm, he burst out laughing. Everyone else did too. Cas had made a pop culture reference!! Dean was definitely going to marry him someday.

 

After feeding everyone grilled cheese and leftover soda, they went home and Dean got to nurse Cas and clean up after the party all by himself. Yeah, not drinking was great. Whatever.

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean tried but he couldn’t get his leg to stop jumping up and down. Cas put his hand on it without bothering to look up from the People’s Magazine he was reading. Kimye were on the cover. Surprise. And don’t tell anyone he knew Kim and Kanye’s couple name, okay?!

He’d had to take the day off work, and he felt kind of bad, since he was only working part-time already. He really should talk to Frank about getting more hours.

There were pictures of people laughing at their salads on the walls of the waiting room, and Dean thought that maybe this wasn’t for him. He didn’t find salad all that charismatic.

“Cas, I’m not sure this is a good idea,” he said, looking at the side of Cas’ face.

“It is merely one appointment. And we are already here,” he said, still reading the magazine. Dean looked down. Fucking horoscopes. Could he be any gayer?

Dean sat back against the back of the chair. “Hm. Well, thanks for coming with me,” then when Cas didn’t say anything: “how’s my month looking?”

Cas looked up then, confused look on his face. Dean motioned at the magazine, “oh! Right, let’s see... Aquarius... There it is!” He read it. Something about surprises and new friendships. Dean didn’t really give a fuck for all of that.

Finally the secretary called his name. “Do you want me to go with you?” Cas asked.

Dean shrugged.

“I don’t mind.” Man, he fucking loved Cas.

“Thanks.”

“Hello, I’m Naomi, you must be Dean,” she reached out for Dean to shake her hand, which he did. She looked quizzically at Cas.

“This is Castiel, he’s here for moral support,” Dean explained.

She lifted her neatly tweezed eyebrows. “Oh, this is hardly a place where moral support is needed, but as you wish,” she sat back down. Dean instantly disliked her. He also instantly felt like a fucking idiot for being so anxious over this. It didn’t make the anxiety go away though. He and Cas sat down on chairs on the other side of her desk.

She looked through some papers and cleared her throat. Then she folded her hands on top of the papers and looked intently at Dean. She’d probably rehearsed that freakish smile in the mirror.

“So, Dr. Bobby sent you. Something about you wanting to gain weight?”

Dean nodded, and tried not to stare at the huge poster of a girl laughing at a salad behind the dietitian. 

“Well, I don’t believe in my clients counting calories. I’ll make a meal plan for you to follow. Any dietary restrictions I should know about? Lactose intolerance, vegan, gluten free?”

Dean shook his head. He really didn’t want to be here. He really didn’t need help. Cas took his hand. 

There were some more questions and Dean tried to answer them, but most of them where things he’d never really thought about. Like how many meals? Did he want snacks? Would he prefer his hot meal to be in the middle of the day or at night?

Why the fuck was he even here? There wasn’t even a problem.

They finally got to leave with a promise of a meal plan in the post within the week.

The second they were outside Dean looked at Cas in seriousness, “we’re going to McDonald’s. Right now. Fucking salad-loving chicks gave me the creeps!” Castiel laughed but complied.

 

When he got the meal plan Cas put it on the fridge. Dean promptly didn’t follow it, mostly out of spite. But he was aware of it, and at least he was eating more, so he figured it wasn’t all bad.

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean put on his boots and jacket, hit his pockets to check for keys and wallet, only to realize that he wallet wasn’t there. Typical.

“Hey Cas, you seen my wallet?” Dean asked, lifting the cushions from the couch to see if it’d fallen between the cracks.

Cas looked of from his bowl of homemade vegan granola with almond milk (Cas had gotten some real inspiration from that fucking meal plan), “hm? Oh yes, I apologize, I needed your ID to buy something, it is in my coat pocket.”

What the fuck? They looked nothing a like, “what?”

“Yes, I was fortunate enough that they did not compare the picture.”

“What were you buying? Porn?” Dean teased. 

“Maybe,” Cas said giving him a secretive smile. Seriously, what the hell??

“Uh... Okay, well you have fun with your porn, I’m gonna go,” Dean said getting the wallet from Cas’ pocket.

“Wait, where are you going? It was my impression you were not to go into work today?” Cas put his bowl in the sink, rinsing it. Dean was sure he’d already told him this.

“I’m having coffee with Meg? Didn’t I tell you?”

“Meg? I was not even aware you were friends. Should you not eat something before you go?”

“I don’t have time, I’ll buy a scone or something.” Dean came to peck Cas goodbye. Cas still looked confused and adorable, but Dean didn’t want to let Meg wait too long. He was late already.

 

Meg and Dean had spent most of the Halloween party exchanging stories about Alastair. He’d learned that Meg had worked for him, first dealing drugs, later coming after people who didn’t pay on time. She’d apparently done some pretty messed up things, then ended up being saved by community service. 

She had almost as many scars as Dean, though Alastair had inflected most of hers directly. Not indirectly, like Dean’s self-mutilation. She’d been in therapy for PTSD, it turned out.

For some reason hearing Meg tell him those things, made him realize that maybe it wasn’t his fault, all of the shit. It was like a knot was starting to untie in his chest.

Meg was sitting on a bar stool near the window, a cappuccino and a croissant in front of her, black coffee and a scone in front of what was to be Dean’s seat. The drinks said Mae on the side, because apparently it was rule to spell even common, simple names wrong here. 

“Hey, sorry I’m late. And thanks.” Dean said, hanging his leather jacket over the back of his chair.

“Don’t worry about it. How’s Clarence? Completely recovered after the party, I trust?” She asked.

Dean chuckled, “man, you should have seen the state of him the day after. I don’t think he’s ever been that hung-over,” then, upon remembered who she’d left with that night, “how is Pam, by the way?” he smirked.

Meg rolled her eyes, “she was too fucking drunk. She fell asleep as soon as she was in my bed.”

“What a tease.” She raised her eyebrows as to say ‘tell me about it!’

They sat in silence for a while, eating their treats. Dean was reminded that scones weren’t meant to be eaten in public, and tried to be discreet about sweeping the crumbs off his lap. He failed and Meg laughed, while biting into her croissant, sending little flakes of pastry flying everywhere.

So after creating what looked like a baked goods battle scene, they decided to make good of the to-go cups and left.

They were walking around a park near the Space Needle, and then Meg told him.

“I kept in touch with the police. After the whole Pride thing. They couldn’t build a case against him, since you pretty much disappeared after the initial questioning. He only spent one night in prison.”

Dean nearly spat out his coffee. And not because it was too cool to be tasty, which was also the case. He could feel the knot in his chest tighten a little. “What?!”

“Yeah. But, you know, they probably are keeping tabs on him. So if we could build a case, like if we went against him together, then maybe…”

“Like witness against him?” Dean asked. Man, he was hoping he could have been over this chapter by now. “So we have to press charges?” he continued.

Meg nodded, “I’ll do it, if you won’t. But I really think it’d help if you would witness against him.”

Dean chewed his bottom lip. “Well… I mean, yeah, I’d witness against him. But I don’t want to be the one to go to the police. I don’t want him to even think about me, until we’re in court, should that happen.”

“You’re still scared of him,” Meg observed. Dean frowned at her, “aren’t you?” he asked incredulously.

“Well, yeah, when he was there. It’s not like he’s gonna find me,” she stated.

“How do you know? I’m fucking terrified of him finding out where I live, or finding Cas. Seeing him touch Cas, at Pride. I think that was the worst part.” Dean admitted. He got anxiety over the thought of Alastair and him being in the same city at the same time, but what really made him lose his appetite was the thought of Alastair and _Castiel_ in the same city. 

“I get it. Dean, if anyone gets it, it’s me,” she stopped to look at Dean so Dean stopped too, “but he’s not gonna find you. Or Castiel. How could he?”

Dean sighed. He knew it was an irrational fear, but hello, wasn’t that exactly what anxiety was? Then he shrugged.

“I know. The rational part of me knows this. I’m so fucking sick of him still fucking with my head! It’s over a year ago that we broke up!”

“It still fucks with me too. It probably always will. I just… try and keep taking my meds, and stay in touch with a therapist… And I tell everyone. So I don’t feel like I’m hiding something. Whenever I keep secrets now, I instantly feel guilty,” she told Dean.

Dean nodded. Yeah, he could definitely recognize that.

“Anyway, I gotta go. I have a study group thing. Say hey to Clarence for me,” she said and dumped her cardboard cup in a trashcan. 

“I will. See ya,” Dean said. He looked after her until she disappeared. Then set out for the subway. His had a shift in an hour, but what else was he gonna do till then?

There was no doubt that we would go on the stand against Alastair, if it ever became reality. Or maybe a little bit of doubt. But he knew he had to do it. He couldn’t stand the thought of the psycho just walking around, ruining people’s life on the daily.

He had to do it.

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“How was your date?” Cas asked as soon as Dean got home. He was in the middle of doing the dishes, so Dean took off his boots and jacket, coming to stand next to his boyfriend to dry. 

“Are you jealous?” Dean smirked.

Castiel kept his eyes on the already clean plate he kept scrubbing, “no.”

“You’re so silly. We’re _both_ gay. And I’m totally in love with you, like it’s actually kinda creepy. And Meg is dating Pam. Or sleeping with her. Or trying to… I don’t know!” Dean said, putting a plate back I the cupboard. 

Cas looked up at Dean, still not smiling. Dean kissed him. Then he whipped him once with the dishtowel.

“Ow, Dean!” he scowled up at him and Dean threw the towel on the counter to cup Cas’ face.

“Sorry. I love you,” Cas features finally softened. 

“I love you too,” then they gave themselves a really high water bill, as they kept making out, ignoring the open faucet.

 

Over dinner Cas nearly killed Dean when he asked, “would you accompany me to couples’ yoga?” making Dean choke on a meatball.

“What the fuck, Cas. Of course not! ‘Kinda question is that?” he knew he could have been a little more considerate in saying no, thank you, but… Couples’ yoga? Cas should ask Sam.

Cas got up from the table to get a pamphlet, the sat back down, “it is affiliated with the same place where you are taking the drawing course. It’s free of cost. They only ask that members bring their own mats. And it is not a commitment, you sign up one class at a time on the website.”

“Yeah, that’s not for me. Ask someone else. I feel like Garth could be open to it.”

Cas frowned down at the pamphlet. He wasn’t mad but Dean felt guilty. But seriously? Yoga? Wasn’t all the vegan, organic granola enough?! Not that Dean was eating it, but he _was_ sharing an apartment with it.

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

So Cas brought Garth and since there were yoga classes every day of the week they chose Thursday that first time so they could catch a ride with Dean, who had a drawing class.

Cas was wearing some pretty gay fitted sweatpants, and the way his ass looked in them made Dean almost not letting him go. He had actually considered skipping drawing class for the first time, to take Cas to bed instead. He couldn’t really decide if the sweatpants were evil, or a godsend. 

He’d bought a set that included a yoga mat, a yoga block, a yoga strap, a yoga DVD and a bag for it all, and it was a great deal and all, except for the fact that everything was fuchsia. 

Seriously, he arrived in a fucking Impala and then stepped out of it with that giant pink sack across his back. Disrespect, was what it was. Though he didn't think he could ever be embarrassed over Cas. Everything he did honestly was magical. Dean bit down a groan at his own sappiness.

“Hello, Dean. Oh, and you Cas and Garth,” Kevin said as he held open the door for them. They’d arrived at the same time. 

Cas blushed and ducked his head, “hello.” He still had a moral hangover from Halloween, and he probably couldn’t remember Kevin’s name. Garth, however, smiled openly, “hi, Kevin, how are you?” Dean nodded at the younger boy. He was only in high school. So he was the same age as Cas. But not nearly as tall.

“I’m well, thanks. Are you guys going to join us today?” he asked. They were walking down the hallway.

“Nah, Cas and Garth are going to couples’ yoga today,” Dean could not for anything say it without smirking. He’d tried really hard.

Kevin kind of frowned, “oh. I thought you and Cas were the couple?” Garth laughed. Cas kept silent.

“We are. I’m not the yoga type,” they arrived in front of door with a sign on it. ‘Mindful Yoga Temple’ it said. Dean raised an eyebrow, “well, I guess that’s you,” he said and pulled lightly on Cas’ arm. 

“Yup! See ya,” Garth just said and went in. 

“Have fun,” Dean said to Cas, “we’ll meet here when we’re done, right?”

“Yes. Have fun drawing,” he glimpsed at Kevin. Then he reached up and kissed Dean. How could he still make him dizzy like that?

 

Kevin and Dean started walking towards the art room.

“Is Cas upset over something I did? I’m not sure I remember all the events from the party. Those Jell-O shots,” Kevin said as they entered the art room. Dean chuckled. Those shots had been the best idea ever. “He’s embarrassed. He was pretty fucking drunk himself.”

Bela slid into the chair on Dean’s other side, “D’you think we get to draw nude people soon?” she asked in that accent that would be stuck in Dean's head all week. 

He smirked at her, “one can only hope.”

Victor came in, followed by the teacher, Tessa. Dean waved at Victor who had no choice but to sit at the back. Dean had sat back there, feeling shy on his first day. Worst idea ever. Couldn’t see shit.

Tessa didn’t talk for more that 15 minutes. They were still working on shading, and pretty much everyone had a work/works in progress, so she let them to it.

“I’ve been close to combustion all week at hearing how the Halloween party went.” Bela hadn’t been able to attend, as she had been too busy with finals. Dean leaned back in his chair, “oh man. Where do I even begin?” He let Kevin do it. 

Between shading, and talking and laughing about the party the hour came to an end too fast. Every time the class ended, Tessa clapping her hands together once to get their attention, Dean felt grateful to Cas. This course had been just the right thing.

Victor left in a rush, and Dean was regretful that he hadn’t gotten the chance to talk to him that week. It had taken a while for Dean to get into a conversation with him, but they’d bonded over the difficulty of getting the perspective right when sketching fruit bowls a few weeks ago. Dean didn’t even know why he so wanted to be friends with him.

He packed up his pad and put the pencils he’d borrowed from the art department back in their drawer. Then left with Bela and Kevin.

Cas and Garth were talking to some girls, all with yoga mats strapped to their backs. Funny, how it was a couples' class, yet the number of women outweighed the number of men by far. When he got closer he recognized Lisa. From high school. He didn’t believe Cas and her had exchanged even one word before.

“Uh, hi,” Dean said, coming to a stop beside them. Bela slapped him weakly on the shoulder, “see ya next time.” He nodded, distracted.

“Hello, love,” Cas said, completely unaware that that was weird when there were people around them.

“This is Lisa. She is the instructor,” Cas introduced. Dean smiled awkwardly at her and got the same smile in return.

“Yeah, I know Lisa. Hi Lisa. We went to highschool together, you know,” he said the last part to Cas.

“What?” they said in unison.

“You guys didn’t know that you went to high school together? The school wasn’t even that big.”

Cas just shrugged. Lisa squinted, “wait, Castiel? Gabriel’s little brother?” Cas nodded.

“Oh man. This is awkward.” Dean hid his face in his hands. Of course, she’d slept with him.

“Why is it awkward?” Cas asked.

“Well, I just made plans to get coffee with the boyfriend of my high school crush, who at the same time is the little brother of the shortest man I’ve ever slept with.”

She met Dean’s eyes, and they chuckled together. Cas looked… like he needed a minute. “You… Had a crush on Dean in high school?”

She slapped him playfully on the arm, “oh come on, everyone had a crush on Dean in high school.” She gave Cas a knowing look and he shrugged, “yes, it appears quite obvious that I at least, did too.”

“Do you wanna come with? When we’re getting coffee, I mean,” Lisa asked. 

“Now?” who drinks coffee at 8pm?? Well, college students with finals and doctors maybe, but other than that?

“No, no. Maybe on the weekend, or something,” She said and Dean looked at Cas. He was smiling encouragingly. Okay, so she’s ignored him all of last year, even though they used to be shots-partners at parties before then, but he supposed he could forgive her.

“Uh, sure.”

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

They were getting ready to go home for Thanksgiving when Frank called. Would Dean be interested in full time starting Monday? It would give him shit to do and a little more financial liberty.

Of course he said yes.


	16. Thanksgiving 2.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An abundance of pie and an abundance of problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: eating disordered behavior.

They came to a stop by the curb in front of the house he’d lived in during his senior year. It had always been too big for them, and now, with all the children gone, it was definitely way too big for his mother.

Cas looked over at Dean, “are you coming in?”

It was Thursday, Thanksgiving, and they’d decided to stay until Sunday. Even though it was only a two-hour drive, this was the first time Castiel had been home since late August.

“Yeah, I wanna at least say hi,” Dean opened the car door and stepped out. Cas did the same on his side.

Dean went to take Cas’ bag out of the trunk and before Castiel could consider giving him a hand, he was tackled by his siblings.

“Cassie!! It’s been too long!” Anna squealed. 

“You look great though. Maybe it’s all the sex you’re having, you're positively glowing” Gabriel smirked and Cas decided that it wasn’t right to kill family during the holidays. 

“Shut up, Gabe,” he tried weakly. Then was undermined by Dean:

“He definitely having a lot!”

Cas hid his face in his hands. Gabe and Anna laughed.

 

“Hello, mom,” Cas hugged her and she kissed his cheek. Then she hugged Dean.

“How are you guys? I see you haven’t drowned yet,” her eyes twinkled. Cas looked confused at Dean, who shot him the same look back.

“Because it’s Seattle? You know, it rains a lot?” she smiled expectantly. Dean burst out laughing. Cas just rolled his eyes. 

After two cups of coffee and cookies to which he said no thanks, Dean left, and Cas looked after the Impala as he drove off, like he’d used to.

 

“Is he doing okay?” his mom asked, she was making yams. Castiel sat down in a bar chair by the kitchen island. 

“I’m not sure. I do not believe he knows either,” he ran his hand over his face. He’d really hoped the meal plan would help, but it hadn’t. He was eating more varied, but as far as Castiel could tell, he wasn’t eating _more_.

“Has he lost more weight?” Anna was putting together a crust for pie. Poor Dean, having to miss out. Though Mary made some pretty great pies too. Maybe it was poor Cas? They should make a taste test.

His mom’s head snapped back to look at him. He’d never really told her any of his concerns regarding this. He didn’t know if it had to do with how things were back when it had been Anna.

Castiel looked at his mom then back to Anna, “maybe a little bit. He seems to be at a standstill, concerning his weight.” 

He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to talk about it because he didn’t know what to do, he felt completely powerless. He couldn’t bring it up to Dean, because he just got angry, and he couldn’t bring it up to their friends because they would tell Cas to confront Dean.

“Well, that’s something. Maybe the dietitian helped more than he lets on.” Anna suggested. Cas said nothing.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“I’ve eatn my weight in pie [heart eye emoji]” the text from Dean read. Cas smiled. Maybe that wasn’t as much pie as it would have been last year, but it was something.

“Me 2” he texted back. Anna had made pumpkin and pecan _and_ peanutbutter pie. They were four friggin people. Of course, Gabriel had eaten the equivalent to a pie and a half himself.

“Can I come over?” Dean wrote. It was 11pm and he’d been playing card games with his family until half an hour ago, when his mom turned in. 

He really wanted him to come over, but he was sharing the guest room with Anna, since Gabe still had his room, and Cas’ own room had been turned into an office. He told Dean and fifteen minutes later Dean was there to pick him up. His room had been left untouched.

With a note on the kitchen counter about his whereabouts Cas left.

Dean’s family were all still awake, his parents seemingly tipsy on wine, Sam texting his girlfriend, whom he insisted was not his girlfriend.

“We’re going upstairs,” Dean urged when Mary and John kept asking about his classes. 

“Can I come? Are you going to watch a movie?” Sam asked, and Cas felt kinda bad when Dean told him no, “we’re probably just going to sleep.”

“Awwww, you can’t fall asleep without each other?” Mary cooed and Castiel couldn’t help but smile. She had to be their biggest supporter. “I don’t know, we’re not interested in trying. You can hang out with him tomorrow,” Dean was already dragging Cas out of the living room.

And true to his word, they went upstairs, got undressed and fell asleep, snuggled up on Dean’s much narrower bed.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

It was when they woke next morning that they got up to trouble.

Cas was woken up by a firm grip around his morning wood. He cracked open his eyes to see Dean smiling seductively at him. “’Morning, sunshine.”

He wanted to return the greeting but moaned instead, when Dean ran a finger over his slit.

Dean smirked and leaned in to lavish at his neck and Cas closed his eyes again. He grabbed onto Dean’s hair. 

The older boy seemed intent on giving Cas a handjob, and it wasn’t like he had anything against it. He just really liked watching Dean cum. So he ran his fingers down Dean’s body, getting a grip on his cock.

“Will you fuck me?” Dean breathed against Cas. That was when they realized neither of them had thought to bring lube or condoms. How different this Thanksgiving was from last year’s, that that was even a concern.

Without letting that get them down, they rearranged themselves into a 69, which they’d really come to perfect now. The first time they’d tried it had been a disaster, Dean getting a black eye from being kneed in the face. Cas _still_ felt guilty. Dean deserved to have a boyfriend that didn’t give him black eyes. But Dean had reveled in saying he got a black eye during sex, so he wasn’t too upset.

They had built up a good rhythm, moaning around each other’s cocks. Cas was holding onto Dean’s thighs, and when he let go with one hand, to gently press a finger against his hole, Dean came with a shout, breathing warm air against Castiel’s dick.

With the first spurts of bitter cum on his tongue Cas lost control as well, coming onto Dean’s collarbone and chin.

They untangled their legs and Dean turned around to come face to face with Cas. “You’re awesome, you know that?” he murmured against Cas’ neck.

“I know. I’ll have you know that you are pretty awesome yourself,” Cas pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

Fortunately they didn’t spent too long cuddling and were already dressed by the time Sam knocked on the door, asking if they wanted breakfast.

Dean and Sam raced each other to the kitchen. Cas felt a surge of nostalgia.

 

They were all seated around the dinner table and Cas had just bit into a bagel, when John smirked over his newspaper, “so you guys have gotten real used to living on your own, huh?”

Dean looked up at Cas, confused, then to his dad. He put the lid back on the milk. “What do you mean?”

“You guys were being awfully loud this morning!” Sam said making Dean drop his bagel onto the floor, peanut butter side down. He flushed beet red and Cas could do nothing to not follow his lead.

Dean started grumbling over the lost bagel. Mostly to not have to say anything in response to what Sam had said, Cas believed. 

“We’re sorry,” Cas mumbled. Dean’s family just laughed.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“D’ya wanna come with me to Dr. Singer’s office real quick?” Dean asked. Cas was supposed to get home. He was there to see his family after all. But Dean’s offer was one he couldn’t resist; he’d never met the man.

“Do you have an appointment?” He hadn’t mentioned it.

“Nah, I wanted to hear if I could get a copy of my medical record. Just… Meg was talking about getting evidence together, against Al- uhm, Alastair.”

They got into Dean’s car, “you didn’t tell me this.”

“No, I know. I’m not sure about it. I fucking hate all of this. I just _don’t_ want to deal with it.” Dean revved the engine.

“So what is it that Meg is planning?” Dean said he didn’t know for sure. Cas said nothing for a while. They pulled into a parking lot.

“Are you sure you should be trusting Meg as blindly as you seem to be?” Cas asked softly. He didn’t want a fight. 

Dean slumped his shoulders. They still hadn’t gotten out of the car.

“I don’t know. I really don’t. But why would she bring that bastard up if I couldn’t?”

Cas supposed he had a point.

They got out and entered the clinic. It was a two-story house, but the first floor was a dentist’s clinic. The stairs they stomped up were carpeted and everything was covered in dust. They entered into a reception with an adjoined waiting room. There was no receptionist but there were a million books, in bookcases, on tables, in the windowsill. Some dustier than others.

“Dean? Whatcha doing here?” a gruff voice asked. When Cas turned around he saw an older man who looked more like a trucker than a therapist. He was wearing a ball cap. 

“Bo- Dr. Singer. Uh, this is Castiel. Cas this is Dr. Singer,” Dean quickly introduced. The man nodded at Cas. Dean told him why they were there, and the therapist complied.

Cas stayed in the waiting room while the other two left to make a copy of the journal. Then they left. Dean had just unlocked the car when he seemed to remember something, “I forgot a sweatshirt here, like two months ago. Will you just hold this, I’ll be right back,” he shoved the folder into Cas’ hands.

It was not a minute later they finally left. Dean just dropped Cas of quickly, kissing him goodbye in the car. Cas stayed on the porch to look at him driving away and then he noticed that he was still holding the folder. Oops.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

He couldn’t sleep. He’d tried for three hours, having gone to bed at midnight. Whether it was too much sugar in his system or having slept in too long the night before, he wasn’t sure. It could be the darn folder lying on the desk.

Gabriel had begged for them to sneak a peak at the record, but Anna and Castiel had both agreed that that was too mean.

Dean had already told him. That he’d been in the hospital and that he’d self-harmed and been suicidal after a nightmare of a relationship. There’d be no reason to read it. He trusted Dean. And Dean could trust him too.  
It was almost like the time with the box. The one with the razors and drugs and stuff. It had been blind trust and it had been Dean letting Cas in for the first time. Yeah, he was not going to even open that journal.

 

At five in the morning, he did. Anna was fast asleep on the bed beside him. He had gotten the air mattress because he was the youngest. Using his phone for a light he opened the folder. After one last look at Anna he started ruffling through the pages. 

First there were his name, social security number and his parents’ address. Then the diagnoses. Depression and anxiety. Just like Cas knew. Why was he looking through this? He flipped the page to some notes taken by his doctor.

There was a whole stack of papers of notes and Cas didn’t have time to read through them all. His bad consciousness was making him speed up even more. He only got a few key words through to his head, and when he got to the pictures – angry red scars across Dean’s wrists and legs, all over his body, bruises on his neck, and ankle that still was swollen from where Alastair had twisted it – he clapped the folder together and threw it a few feet away from him. 

If he was sleepless before, it was much worse now. He was lying on his back, staring wide-eyed into the darkness. The pictures and the words, scribbled by doctors and nurses kept flashing through his mind. Suicidal tendencies, suicidal ideation, major depression, anxiety attacks, impulsive self-mutilation. This was even worse than the first time Cas had heard about it from Dean.

It’s not like any of this was new information to Castiel but he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He wanted Dean to talk more about it. He wanted Dean to not go back down that road again, and deep down inside that’s what Cas was so frigging scared was happening.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Cas went back to class on Monday, and when Hannah asked if he wanted to stay after class to get started on the next assignment for their end-of-semester portfolio he said yes. He’d always been a firm believer in two heads being better than one.

He texted Dean, saying he’d be late, forgetting that Dean was starting his job full-time today. Then Hannah asked if he wanted to go to her place for dinner and he sent Dean another text saying he wouldn’t get home till even later.

Talking to Hannah was fun and he could see them becoming quite good friends. They had the same interests and she was just as awkward as Cas. It was nice to be able to be himself without someone saying it was ‘cute’. Frigging Meg.

Hannah lived in a dorm and it was kind of cool to see how life was on campus. But after having had to eat ramen because Hannah’s food had been stolen from the common kitchen fridge, and not having gotten any further on their assignment because they kept getting interrupted by Hannah’s roomie who kept coming and going, or high frat brothers, Cas decided he definitely preferred his and Dean’s apartment.

He said goodbye to his classmate at 9pm and walked to the subway station. The door was unlocked when he got home, music playing from Dean’s phone on the couch. Cas looked around but he couldn’t see Dean anywhere. There were three pots with different substances on the turned off stove, but it didn’t look like Dean had committed to finishing any of it. Then he saw the empty cardboard pizza box and relaxed slightly. Dean _had_ eaten something.

After hanging his trench coat on the rack and taking off his shoes he went further into the apartment. He looked on the balcony, but Dean wasn’t there. His cigarettes and lighter were though. 

Then he saw the bathroom door, which was open just a crack, revealing light in there. So that was where he was. The song that was playing stopped and in the few seconds before the next started Cas heard noises from the bathroom. Noises he was not expecting. Dean was coughing and gagging and Cas filled with dread. What if he had overdosed? Or maybe he was drunk?

He pushed the door open slowly to reveal Dean, bent over the toilet, two fingers down his throat, vomit and blood dripping down his elbow. Cas almost felt like throwing up himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: You guys. I said it would take me a while longer to turn this story around and then I promptly wrote chapter 17 and 18. I'll probably post one or both tomorrow lol


	17. Not Otherwise Specified

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean doesn't exactly feel the Holiday cheer. He does, however, fuck up big time.

Dean looked at Cas. He could _feel_ the roughness in his throat, where’d he’d been throwing up everything he’d eaten for the past week. He’d usually kept to doing it at work, since Charlie was still only working part-time and Frank was there even less.

But then he’d gotten hungry and Cas hadn’t been there, and he’d spent all night arguing with himself about whether he should give in and just eat something. The longer he’d waited to eat the more frustrated and doubting and _desperate_ he’d become. 

He’d had a moment of clarity when he ordered the pizza. He had to eat. It was normal to eat. Dean wanted to be normal and fucking _okay_. Then he’d eaten it, thinking, with each slice, that this one’d be the last.

He hadn’t even been aware, when he’d closed the box, going to the bathroom in a daze to bend over the toilet, fingers in his throat. 

“How long?” Cas asked. 

“This was the first time, Cas, I swear. It wasn’t even like that. I think the pizza was contaminated, I felt sick. I just wanted to make sure I got everything up.” Dean could hear how hoarse he was. He was shaking, a sheen of sweat on his pale forehead.

Cas didn’t buy it. He wasn't an idiot. He threatened to call Mary or Dr. Singer, or maybe even the hospital. Dean was so tired.

“Baby, please. It was a mistake, I won’t do it again,” Dean didn’t know if Cas believed him. He wasn’t sure if he believed himself. 

“One chance, Dean. If you don’t start making an effort to eat or if you throw up again, I’m calling Dr. Singer, okay?” Cas looked resigned. Dean nodded. He was relieved for a second before Cas continued:

“I am calling your mom, though. I can’t just let this slide. You know this is important, right?” Cas said. His phone was already in his hand. 

“Do you want to tell her yourself?” he asked then. Dean couldn’t actually think of anything worse than having to admit this to his own mother. He hated hearing her cry. 

Cas called, but of course Dean wasn’t let go that easily. And he spent the night hearing his mother cry over the phone while feeling numb and spewing bullshit about how it was the first time, how it was a mistake, how he was fine. 

But the look on Cas’ face and hearing his mother cry was enough to make him stop for three weeks. 

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“Hey, honey?” Cas came to stand behind the couch. Dean flipped his drawing pad shut in favor of looking up at Cas, behind him. “Mm?” There was an open back of Funyuns next to him, but he couldn’t remember if he’d actually put any in his mouth.

“Anna and Balthazar invited me to celebrate Christmas with them, down in New York. I mean, with my mom and Gabe too, of course.” Cas’ hands came to Dean’s shoulders, massaging the knots there.

“Oh. Well, cool. You’ve never been, have you?” Dean winced when Cas thumb pressed hard on a particularly bad knot.

“Sorry,” he murmured, “no, I have not had the chance. My mom will come up here on the 22nd, we’ll catch a plane together. Gabe will fly in from Maui. We’ll be back by New Year’s.”

Dean relaxed into Cas’ touch, his muscles warmed by his hands. He looked up at Cas. “That sounds great. I’ll miss you though.” He smiled a little up at him.

Castiel came to sit next to him on the couch, crawling right over the back, “it won’t even be a week, sweetie.” Dean hummed and leaned it to nuzzle Cas’ neck. He smelled like honey.

“You’re going home to Moses Lake, I trust?” Cas leaned into Dean too, raising one leg to rest on the couch, so Dean kinda was sat in-between them.

“I have work until the 23rd, so I’ll go home the day before Christmas. And then I have to be back by the 26th.” Dean had asked to work around Christmas. He didn’t want to be home, where his family could ask him questions and tell him to see Dr. Singer.

“But you’ll have New Year’s off, right?”

“Yeah, I’m off from New Year’s and the four days after.” 

“Wonderful,” Cas kissed Dean’s temple, and Dean turned to catch his mouth. He felt bad that they hadn’t slept together since the barfing-incident, but he couldn’t let Cas see how bad it was. 

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

In a whirlwind of Cas studying for finals and Dean working over-time and them buying Christmas presents while snow sprinkled on the city, Christmas rushed at them. And before Dean knew it he was clinging to Cas, kissing him, whispering how much he loved him at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, Castiel promising to call him when he arrived.

Wishing Cas and his mom a merry Christmas one last time, he left the airport. He had two days alone in their apartment before he was going home.

He didn’t eat anything for those two days, and the time he didn't spend working was spent sleeping, or faux-sleeping as he stared up at the bedroom ceiling. On the 24th he decided he had to eat, since he was driving the two hours home.

With non-fat yoghurt and Cas’ vegan granola in his stomach he got behind the wheel and drove home without any problems. 

The first thing he did after hugging his parents and Sam was throw up in his childhood home bathroom.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“Are you okay, Dean? You’re really thin. Cas said you’re not eating,” Sam said.

Dean made a show of stuffing a handful of popcorn into his mouth. “I’m fine.” They were in Sam’s room, since he’d hijacked Dean’s TV and Playstation, and Dean didn’t much care for sleeping alone. God, he was seriously fucked up this time.

Sam sat upright, looking intently at Dean. “You have to eat. You have to tell us if something is wrong.”

Dean sat upright too, “I don’t _have_ to do a damn thing, alright? And you have to leave me the fuck alone, you _and_ Cas! I’m fucking fine, but with the way you guys are pestering me I’m gonna get a fucking complex!”

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

On Christmas morning, surrounded by his family whom he loves, and who loves him, Dean felt strangely calm. Instead of thoughts racing through his mind faster than he can grasp onto them, or the numbness he was used to. 

He ate like a normal person, and joked with Sammy, and he didn’t even complain about helping his mother do the dishes, while John and Sammy tried to put together Sam’s new bike. He wasn't even that exhausted or going through the motions on autopilot.

(Dean ended up putting the bike together; he’d always been good at that stuff. He made sure to rub in his brother and father’s faces).

“I have work early tomorrow, I already told you. I’m so sorry, mom,” Dean was hugging his mother tight.

She was hugging him tighter, a hand stroking down his spine where she could probably count his fucking vertebrae. When they pulled back she had tears in her eyes. But Dean would never stop fucking up. Goddamn it.

“Call me, okay? And take care of yourself,” she whispered. Dean faked a smile; he’d been a fucking pro at that for years now.

“I will. Mom, you really don’t have to worry,” he wasn’t sure how she could believe it. She probably didn’t anyway. Dean could be a bitch to argue with. Probably because he was king of denial.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean was only alone for another two days before he had to pick Cas up at the airport, but it was time enough to clog the toilet with vomit and unclog it again. His eyes were rimmed red with sleep-deprivation and dehydration when he embraced Cas at the airport. 

“Did you have a nice Christmas?” he asked, voice rough, taking Cas’ mother’s suitcase from her. She was probably stronger than him at the moment, though.

“Yes, Gabriel and Anna says hi,” Cas said, eyes never wavering from Dean’s face.

“Thanks. Did you get nice presents? Mine is at home, by the way.”

“Gabriel has not become a better gift-giver than he was last year, but yes, otherwise. I’ve been very blessed. And I have one for you as well.” 

They got to the parking lot, and Dean offered Castiel’s mom to drive her home. “No, but thank you. I have my car,” she assured and with more hugs and kisses on the cheek she left them.

 

They were listening to Sia because Cas chose the music on the way home. “How was your Christmas?” Castiel asked.

Dean knew what he was really asking. And he fucking hated lying.

“Great, my mom made even more pie than she did over Thanksgiving. One’d almost think she was trying to fatten me up,” he said without even thinking.

“Baby, she probably is.” 

Dean didn’t answer. They drove the rest of the way in silence.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

They were at Charlie and Jo’s studio apartment for New Year’s. There wasn’t a lot of space but it was alright, because they were only them four, Pam, Garth and Benny. And Ash was still home for Christmas so he was there too. Dean shotgunned a beer with him for old time's sake. He saw Cas look at him while he did so. He was always frowning lately and it made Dean want to disappear.

But he kinda wanted to disappear as it was, anyways.

Castiel didn’t drink and Dean didn’t after that one beer and they actually enjoyed themselves, considering… everything. 

“I love you,” Dean said against Cas’s mouth, fingers slipped under his button-down.

Cas’ fingers were in the waistline of Dean’s boxers, teasing. He smiled against Dean, “I love you more.”

“That’s not even possible.” It felt fucking great to be disgusting like this. It felt like it’d been weeks since they’d last been like this. It hadn’t, but Dean was craving affection. And he was shying away from it lately.

“I can’t wait to finally kiss you at midnight.” 

It was ten minutes to midnight when Dean started feeling queasy. It was two minutes till that he realized that something was wrong.

He was holding Cas’ hand, and he turned to him to say something. He just caught Cas’ facial expression changing from excitement to worry, and then everything was clouded. When the fireworks started going off, he blacked out.

He woke up to familiar brightness, making him squint at the hospital ceiling.

 

“Dean?” he looked over at his mom. Castiel was standing next to her.

He mumbled something, too exhausted to actually form words. “I will find a nurse,” Cas said.

He must have zoned out because suddenly a nurse was there. He slipped a sphygmomanometer up his arm, pumping till it tightened around Dean’s thin arm.

Dean looked up at him then, head lolling a little too far to the side before he could stop it.

“Good morning. You remember what happened?” the nurse asked. Dean racked his brain. It’d been New Year’s, right? The nurse confirmed.

“When was the last time you ate something?” the nurse then asked. He didn’t even seem judgmental. He actually seemed oddly chipper.

“Uh, well, New Year’s. Right, Cas?” He looked to the other side of his bed but Cas and Mary were gone.

“They’re in the waiting room,” the nurse quickly informed him, “when was the last time you ate something and didn’t throw it up?”

Dean thought for a minute. Christmas, was what came to mind. That couldn’t be true could it? It wasn’t like he was sick or anything, right?

“I don’t remember,” he went with. The nurse jutted something down on a clipboard. 

“I’m going to find a doctor, alright?” the nurse said and turned around without waiting for an answer.

Dean rearranged himself, and then noticed the needle in his arm. It was attached to a bag of some clear liquid.

A doctor came to see him and he gave Dean a bunch of information his brain couldn’t hold onto. He caught one last glimpse of his family, including Cas, but ultimately spent the first day of the year asleep.

He was woken up the day after, and wasn’t nearly as out of it. He was confused and exhausted however, and didn’t have it in him to fight or even ask questions when he was assisted into a wheelchair and driven to a taxi.

“You’re going to be hospitalized as an inpatient until you gain some weight back,” a nurse told him. It wasn’t the same one as before.

“How long will that be?” Dean started to regret he hadn’t protested more.

“Your questions will be answered when you get there.”

“Where’s Cas?”

“You get access to a phone at the hospital.”

Then they arrived and it wasn’t the same place as the last time, and Dean hadn’t even realized he was still in Seattle. Holy shit, he needed like 48 more hours of sleep before he could function.

 

He was shown his room, which he was to share with some guy named Chuck, and Dean was pretty sure he’d met him before.

He wanted to ask questions and when no one would listen he started to get angry. He was given a shot and slept until the next day.

 

“Dean Winchester.” The doctor looked down at what Dean believed to be his medical record, “you decided to stop taking your medication and stop eating?”

“When am I going to get out of here?” Dean just asked. He needed to talk to Cas. And Sammy.

“When you gain your weight back.”

“How long is that going to be?!” Dean stood up from his chair. The doctor shushed at him as he was still looking at the journal, so he just sat back down again.

“That is entirely up to you.” Dean slumped.

“I’m doctor Cain. I will see to you while you’re here. I’ve put you group therapy sessions every night and assigned a nurse to keep an eye on you while you eat your meals, which you are to do in the cafeteria. Lunch will be at 1pm, but you are free to do as you wish until then. I heard you like to draw?”

Dean squeezed his fists shut, “I _don’t_ need a fucking baby sitter to feed me!”

“Well, Dean, it appears that, in fact, you do.” Dean gritted his teeth. Dr. Cain continued:

“You will be given your regular dose of maprotiline, half morning and half evening, along with laxatives in the morning and sleeping medication at night.”

Dean did a double take, “laxatives?? I don’t need fucking laxatives!”

Cain closed the medical record, “I think you will find that you do.”

 

His first meal there was lunch after having talked to Dr. Cain. Dean sat across from Chuck and next to black haired chick with a really big rack. On his other side was the fucking baby sitter nurse. How in the hell did he even end up here?!

He rubbed a hand over his face when he saw his lunch. He looked up at the nurse. “Is there a problem?” she asked disinterested.

“Am I seriously supposed to eat all of this food?” he gestured at the tray. It had stopped steaming, that was how long he’d stared incredulously at it.

She nodded and went back to her crosswords puzzle. “Well, I can’t.”

She sighed and put her magazine on the table, “and why not?” she scribbled a wrong answer into a few squares. Idiot.

“I have a slow metabolism, I can’t possibly eat this much!” She didn’t even say anything.

“You might as well eat it, or you’re gonna have to finish both lunch and dinner at the same time,” the girl said from next to him.

He picked up his fork.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Cas burst into tears the second he saw Dean, so Dean did the same.

“I’m so sorry, babe. Fuck, I’m so fucking sorry!” Dean couldn’t get his voice much higher than a whisper. What was Cas gonna say to him? How could he not leave him after this?

Cas kept clutching Dean, not saying anything, just crying, tears dripping onto the gay yoga sweatpants Dean had stolen from Cas, back when he’d started being cold all the time.

It prompted Dean to eat his meals without too much attitude, and he was released before his birthday, with a much stricter meal plan and scheduled weekly check-ups at the hospital. He also got appointments with Dr. Cain, whom Dean liked well enough and he was definitely closer than Dr. Singer, but did this mean he had to start over?

God, he couldn’t believe what a shitty tradition he’d added to the Holidays.


	18. Right Direction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are actually going alright for once! And then guess what happens...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of tying up in this chapter.. Just like the last time it was spring in this story. But then there's a little bit of drama too!

The last bit of winter and the beginning of spring caused some trouble with Dean forgetting to eat and not completely sticking to his meal plan, but at least he was taking his pills as if on schedule. When fresh, green leaves started sprouting on trees, Dean began taking an interest in food again, helping Cas out in the kitchen more and actually remembering to bring his darn snacks to work. By April Dean had gained back half the weight he’d lost.

He had spent the rest of January and most of February working part-time again, but had steadily built more hours to his schedule. But never at a time that overlapped his drawing classes. 

Cas was grateful that their schedules left them Thursdays and Sundays together, as well as most evenings. On Thursdays Cas typically accompanied Dean to the hospital, bringing some homework to pass the hour and a half or more he’d be there. Sundays they would usually spend with their friends, either together or by themselves. 

It was Thursday that day, early April. The weather was chilly but it was nice enough for Cas to spend the duration of Dean’s appointment outside the hospital, reading the theoretical foundations of Marxism in literature. 

The time went by fast enough and before Castiel realized it Dean was walking towards him, coming to sit next to him on the bench. It was in the shade by then.

“Hey,” Dean kissed Cas on the apple of his cheek before Cas could even really look up from his book. He snapped it shut. Then he looked up at his boyfriend, whose eyes were sparkling with life again, freckles dotting fuller cheeks. He was so beautiful. Cas leaned in to kiss him properly.

“Hello, honey. How did it go?” he put his book back into his satchel (Dean had gotten him a nicer one for Christmas).

They got up to walk to the Impala, Dean gripping Cas’ hand, “Yeah, you know, fine. He’s very happy with the steady weight gain. I mean, I am too…”

“Me too.” Cas said. Dean had spent the first month with Cain complaining about missing Dr. Singer, but luckily his parents had become kind of friends with him since Dean had stopped as his client, so he still heard from him, just… as something like a friend? Who was 40 years older than himself..

“Mmmh. I mentioned that thing about how I wanted to start working out. Guess what he said,” Dean is smirking, eyes sparkling. That had to mean Cain hadn't said no.

“Uh, that you should eat more in that case?” he guessed. Dean laughed while opening the car door for Cas.

“No! I mean, yeah. But he told me I should consider yoga. Can you believe it? Because it isn’t like oriented towards bodily goals or whatever. I wasn’t really listening to his reasoning.” Surprise, Dean Winchester hadn’t been listening. Cas would have rolled his eyes, but he was too busy smiling with giddiness.

“Does this mean you’ll come with me?” Cas had continued with the yoga, not weekly, but when he had the time. Garth had never come with since that first time. He’d been doing the positions with Lisa, but he was sure she wouldn’t mind being switched out for Dean.

Dean shrugged as he started the car, “it means I’ll think about it.” Cas clapped his hands.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“If you could get one airplane ticket, to anywhere in the world, where would you visit?” Cas asked. He licked the sorbet off his spoon. 

Dean licked his ice cream off his. “Hmm. Just one? I’d exchange it for money and buy you something pretty.” He smirked, and Cas wished he could stop frigging blushing, they’d been together for over a year already!

“You know what I mean, idiot. Where would _we_ go?” he shoved Dean’s shoulder lightly with his own.

“Maybe New Zealand? You remember the scenic shots from Lord of the Rings, right?” Cas nodded.

They were walking through Pike Place Market, eating sorbet and ice cream, and asking each other pointless hypothetical questions, and Cas finally felt completely at peace since last summer. Things were back to normal with Dean, and Cas didn’t have to carry a huge weight around of pure worry, and even though Dean wasn’t fine all the time (Cas doubted he’d ever be completely fine), he was communicating. Castiel didn’t have it in him to ask for more.

Dean had stopped hanging out with Meg too much, arguing that she brought up Alastair too often and though he felt like a shitty friend, he had to be self-preserving. But they were still friends. Cas didn’t see her anymore, he was pretty sure she’d dropped out of school – or at least his classes.

“Where would you go?” 

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

They were in the shower Sunday morning, and while Dean scrubbed shampoo into his scalp, letting the foam run down his body, Castiel traced his tattoos with his finger. He’d gotten three more since New Year’s, one of them an intricate design he’d made himself, filling most of his shoulder.

When his finger got down to the birdcage Cas noticed Dean’s hardening cock. He looked up to see Dean smirking at him. Castiel pushed Dean against the wall, lifting one leg to rest on the side of the bathtub, caging him in. They kissed each other roughly, teeth and tongue clashing together. Dean moaned into his mouth and Cas put his hands around his hips, pulling Dean flush against him, rutting their hips together.

Cas put his leg down again to get a better angle, but nearly slipped. Dean caught him, “let’s continue this in the bedroom, huh?” he purred, turning Cas around. He just nodded. He could feel Dean’s dick against his backside as Dean walked behind him, pushing them towards the bedroom.

Cas was pushed onto the bed and he turned around to look at Dean, who was grinning devilishly at him. He spread Cas’ legs apart and put his face down there, swallowing his cock down. Dean hadn’t been able to give Cas a blowjob for a month when he’d first gotten out of the hospital, but he was definitely not shying away from it anymore.

Trying to restrain himself from pushing into Dean’s mouth, he twisted on the bed, scrambling for the sheets between his fingers. They were both still wet from the shower. 

Dean tongued at his slit and Cas kept looking up, already concentrating on not coming yet. Then Dean exchanged his hand for his tongue, and before Cas could look down a wet tongue stroked his asshole, almost making him come right then, “oh my fucking god, Dean, fuck you!” he moaned.

“Oh yeah, you will, angel,” Dean breathed hotly against his hole before tonguing it again.

Cas felt the heat in his belly intensify and he had to scramble up the bed, away from Dean’s mouth to avoid coming already. “E-enough,” he panted, sweat and water dripping down his back. Dean grinned that special bedroom-grin at him and crawled up to him, “your wish is my command,” he whispered breathily, before filthily kissing Cas’ mouth. 

They both moaned into it and Cas seriously almost came. He put a hand around his dick, squeezing slightly. 

“I fucking love seeing you like this,” Dean said, nibbling at Cas’ neck, definitely leaving a mark. Dean was the jealous type, turns out, and apparently nerds liked other nerds, Cas had learned at college. He was sporting hickeys on the reg by now.

“I want _you_ like this,” Cas groaned and flipped them over, coming to land on top of Dean. He curled one hand around Dean’s dick, letting his mouth travel south to meet it, kissing and licking at his nipples as he passed them on his way down there. Dean made some very interesting sounds.

He spent some time returning the favor, getting harder with the sounds Dean was making. When he started tasting precum, he slipped down from Dean’s dick to his ass. Though not much later he got up on all fours to reach for the lube on the bedside table.

“How do you want me, baby?” Dean panted, playing lazily with his own dick. 

“I want you just like this, Dean,” Cas said, looking straight into his green eyes, “Just like this.” Dean was already red with arousal but he blushed further at his words.

So they did it face-to-face, Dean’s heels pressing into Cas’ back as he hammered into him. Dean was a mess under him – a very loud mess, and Castiel reveled in seeing him like this, having so completely let go of control and restrictions. 

It was almost too much and Cas slowed down the speed of his thrusts, kissing Dean thoroughly. 

“Baby, please fucking fuck me. You’re killing me here,” Dean gasped, hair completely messed up and sweat pooling in his belly button. Cas caressed his cheek, “not yet, my love.”

He kept the steady rhythm but then wrapped a hand around Dean’s dick, and he instantly let out a breathy moan, swearing. When he came it wasn’t fast and with a curse on his lips like usual, it was slow, more cum pumping out with each of Castiel’s thrusts, pooling on his lower stomach, his eyes closed, breathing heavy. Cas kissed him, and then he let himself go, coming inside of Dean, biting into his shoulder. 

“You’re the best lay I’ve ever had,” Dean grinned post-coitally when they were lying next to each other, breath still not completely stilled. Cas put an arm around his boyfriend, “ditto.” That made Dean laugh. Then they went back to the shower.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Cas was in Hannah’s dorm, studying flashcards for their exam.

“List three keywords that describe avant-garde literature” Hannah read.

Cas scratched his head. They should make another coffee run, really. Even if the last one had been only two hours ago. He had a problem and he was okay with it.

There was a knock on the door. Hannah and Cas looked at each other. If it was someone who lived in the dorm they’d just barge in, regardless of it being their room. It had already happened thrice today.

Hannah opened the door to a stressed-looking Dean.

“Hey, I’m Dean. Sorry to show up like this, I got your address from Ruby,” he quickly explained. Hannah looked more confused, “how does she have my address?”

Dean didn’t answer, he looked at Cas, so he got up from where he was sitting on her bed, “what happened?”

Dean looked anxious, “uhh,” he glanced at Hannah, and Cas was just about to suggest they leave, when Dean blurted out, “it’s Alastair. He came to our place. Meg brought him.” 

Castiel could feel anger bubbling up inside, “What?! Why?!” he grabbed his coat from the back of Hannah’s only chair. 

“I don’t know, something about wanting to talk, make an agreement of some sort. I didn’t let them in, and they eventually left.” He looked terrified. Cas could fucking kill that bitch right now. Both of them.

“You must excuse us, Hannah, we have to go. I will call you tomorrow,” he gritted through his teeth, forgetting about his satchel until Dean picked it up from the floor.

 

On their way home Cas kept fuming, and when they finally got home he began, “we have to call the police, Dean. On both of them.”

Dean was sitting on the kitchen counter, eyes wet with tears threatening to fall, “I know,” he said mostly to his hands.

Then he hopped off the counter and took his phone from the dinner table, typing in the number. Cas could only look; he seriously wanted to break something. 

He talked to the police and they didn’t have too much trouble believing Dean since Meg was already affiliated with drug dealing. Dean eventually got them her address, first asking Pam even though her and Meg hadn’t talked in months, getting her old address, and then her new one from the girl that lived there now. 

Dean was asked in for questions already the next evening, after getting off work.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Cas was clicking away on his keyboard, editing the last of his essay, while listening to Colbie Caillat and eating chocolate covered almonds.

He was tapping his foot along to the music when he heard the lock click in the front door. Dean couldn’t be back yet, could he? He’d only left 20 minutes ago, and it had to take that long just to get to the station where he was to be questioned.

Phone in hand, 911 dialed, he got up to open the door and see what was going on, when it swung open, revealing the slimy guy Cas recognized as Alastair. It couldn’t be? Could it? Cas didn’t do anything at first, because this _couldn’t_ be real.

Alastair walked into the apartment, giving Cas the same smile he’d given him almost a year ago at Pride, “oh, the boyfriend,” he said, circling closer into the apartment and closer to Cas. Cas backed away one step, then two. Remembering the dialed number he pressed ‘call’ on his phone.

“You know I never did catch your name, angel-face,” Cas saw the blade in his hand, a butterfly knife. He gulped. He could understand Dean losing his appetite over this… Demon.

“Hello, 911, what is your emergency?” a tinny voice asked when Alastair pounced the first time, making Cas drop the phone.

Hand quickly cutting off his air supply, Cas managed only to whisper-yell “send the police! Send an ambulance!” and could only hope that the operator had heard him. Alastair stepped on the phone, effectively breaking it.

Alastair pushed Cas roughly to the floor, and then made to get on top of him, the blade swung out. Cas luckily saw what he was trying to do and managed to kick the psycho hard somewhere between his groin and stomach, sending him to the floor across from Cas.

He hurried to scramble away, but Alastair grabbed his foot, and Cas felt the blade sliding briefly across his calf. He groaned out in pain, then kicked Alastair in the face.

 

“He bites back,” Alastair smiled, blood gushing out of his mouth form Cas’ kick. But Cas wasn’t paying attention. He was too busy getting to his feet, only focusing on getting the fuck out of the apartment. 

Alastair caught him in the doorway, slamming his head against the frame but otherwise leaving him alone, “not you I came after anyway.” Was the last thing Cas heard before passing out.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

When he woke up he was quite clearly in a hospital room. His head was pounding and the sight on his left eye was kind of blurry. 

He groaned. 

“Cas?!” 

“My baby!” two different voices sounded urgent next to him.

“I’ll go get the nurse,” he was pretty sure it was Dean, but he’d closed his eyes again.

Someone took his hand, and opened his eyes again to see his mother.

“Oh Castiel! What happened to you?!” she was sobbing. Dean came back with a nurse.

“Good evening. How are you feeling?” the nurse asked. 

“Head hurts,” he mumbled, jaw sore.

“Do you remember your name?” he then asked.

“Castiel Novak. I live in Seattle with my boyfriend, Dean Winchester. I was attacked by Alastair. I don’t know his last name.” Castiel got it all out. His sight wasn’t too blurry anymore. The pounding was worse though.

The nurse nodded impressed. Then he kept asking silly questions, like if Cas knew the date and his address and his family members’ names. Cas sat through it though. Then the nurse ran some tests, but before long he left them alone.

“So it _was_ Alastair,” Dean said, eyes red-rimmed and filling with tears once again.

Castiel nodded.

“This is my worst fucking nightmare come true,” Dean mumbled.

“The police got him, sweetheart. Your call came through,” his mom told him.

Castiel blinked, eyelids feeling kind of heavy. “Well, that’s great.”

Dean licked his lips and Castiel couldn’t help but feel the movement with his eyes. He wasn’t even all there but now he was thinking about Dean naked. Typical. He was just as thirsty as he'd been a year ago.

“We’re gonna have to witness against him. Meg too, probably.”

Cas squinted. “Wait, witness against Meg or does Meg have to witness against Alastair?” Dean confirmed that it was the former. 

The nurse came back to ask if he was in pain. Castiel nodded. “We can give you something, but I can’t promise it’ll put you to sleep. You have a mild concussion so I can’t give you anything stronger that Advil.”

Castiel didn’t remember if he actually ever got it, but he fell asleep without saying goodbye to his mom and Dean.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

His mom was sitting in the backseat of Dean’s Impala, as she’d spent the night in their apartment. Dean had whispered to Cas that he’d wanted to offer her their bed, but their sheets were still crusty. He hoped she wasn’t too mad. Castiel giggled.

They got home and there was no sign of Alastair having been there, except for a pack of cigarettes lying on the balcony table, meaning Dean was anxious. He’d had stopped over a month ago. The pack was still sealed though.

“You just get plenty of rest,” his mother stroked his hair, then looked behind her at Dean, “you let him rest, okay? And make sure he gets something proper to eat.”

Dean saluted, “yes ma’am.”

She kissed Cas on the forehead and Dean on the cheek and then she left.

Dean came to sit next to him in the bed. “Are you tired?” Cas shook his head. He’d slept 14 hours. At the least!

“Hungry?” when he shook his head again, Dean asked what he wanted to do.

“Can we watch a movie or something?”

“Sorry, baby. You’re not allowed to be looking at screens too much the next couple of days.”

“But what about my homework? I make it on my laptop?”

“I guess I’ll just have to make it for you,” Dean winked. Dean actually could, he had regularly helped Cas with homework during his first semester. Castiel would probably always be a little jealous at his natural flair for literature. But again, he didn’t know anyone as well-read as Dean. He was no good when it came to the theoretical aspects though.

“Do you want me to read to you?” Dean asked when Castiel didn’t say anything for a while. Castiel frowned up at him. Dean got out of bed and disappeared into the living room.

Not long after he returned with a book – Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone – as well as the rest of the chocolate-covered almonds and an extra cushion from the couch.

They settled against each other, and Dean began:

“The boy who lived: Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is coming to an end and the next two chapters are going to be fluff, more than anything. 
> 
> Chapter 19 will send them in the direction of the future, and chapter 20 will be a sort of epilogue, set when they are fully adult.


	19. Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happiness all around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, everything is just pretty much fluff from now on. This chapter ties up what their lives have become since Alastair has been locked up, and sort of sets them in the right direction towards their future. The last chapter will be an epilogue, set around 20 years from the beginning of the fic :)

When Dean started feeling anxiety, gnawing at his insides he didn’t hesitate to set up two extra appointments with Cain. And he couldn’t help but feel proud of himself. Way to go for not spiraling into an abyss of self-harm and -hatred. What a fucking achievement. 

But it was for him anyway, wasn’t it?

When he told Sammy over the phone he’d agreed. “That’s great, Dean,” he’d said in that annoying, overbearing little brother-voice of his. Dean didn’t mind it anymore.

Dean had been home briefly to pick up Sammy so he could come and see Cas. He’d brought him a bright bee-shaped balloon that said “bee well” on it as well as a bouquet of flowers from their parents. Dean seriously wanted to murder the balloon but it’d made Cas smile too bright.

Castiel had gotten to ‘bee well’ soon enough, but with a pink scar slowly fading at his temple.

He was whistling in the kitchen, buttering pieces of toast, wearing nothing but the gay yoga pants he’d stolen back from Dean (that’s what he thought anyway! He wasn’t nearly as sneaky as Dean, and those pants would. Be. _His_! Just you wait for laundry day). Dean came up behind him, snaking his arms around him and slipping his fingers under the waistband of the sweatpants. He kissed the scar for what was probably the 3rd time that day.

“I’m so sorry,” he mumbled against the scar and over Cas’ humming. The dark-haired boy put the knife and toast down and turned around to face his boyfriend.

“Dean, you’ve apologized every single day since it happened.” His eyes were so fucking blue. Dean got butterflies. 

Dean nuzzled his lips against his forehead, gently smelling his hair. “Well, I really am. It wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for me.”

He could feel Castiel frown under his lips. “It is _not_ your fault. I don’t want you to blame yourself for what a violent psychopath did to me. Or to you, for that matter.”

He nosed along his hairline, enjoying the scent of pine trees and ocean as his boyfriend apparently saw the need to wash his hair with both Dean's shampoo _and_ his own. “I should have just brought you with me that day, to the police station.” 

He could feel Cas’ hands curling around his biceps and he pushed Dean gently to get him to look at him. “Dean, it doesn’t matter anymore. They’re both in jail and I am fine. We are both fine.” 

Dean had to agree to that. It had barely been a week from Cas’ release date until they were called to court for the first time. They’d both gotten restraining orders against Meg and Alastair. Then one week later they came back to witness against Alastair, and a few days following, against Meg. Dean had been crying on the stand against Alastair, especially when the medical record had been brought up.

Time since then had passed smoothly, for the most part. With a few extra appointments with Cain and a seven-pound weight loss (which was gained back by now) for Dean, and one appointment with Cain for Cas, just for safety. 

Castiel kept going to yoga, dragging Dean with him four times, before it became Dean who did the dragging. He liked getting Cas into deep stretches, okay? And maybe he liked it even more when it was Cas doing it to him. So sue him. Cas said it helped with the anxiety he’d felt the first few weeks, the heavy breathing and bodily awareness. Dean kinda liked that. He was pretty good at making Cas breathe heavy and making him aware of his body. 

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

It was late spring and it was raining lightly. It wasn’t windy and the balcony above them served as a roof over their balcony, so it didn’t bother them. They probably wouldn’t have noticed anyway.

They were kneeling on Dean’s yoga mat (he’d spent extra money just to get one that wasn’t fucking fuchsia), Dean bent over the bench and Cas bent over Dean, their pants pooled around their bent knees.

Dean braced his hand on the bench as Castiel sped up behind him, and Dean moaned, probably loud enough to people on the street to hear it, “oh fuck, Cas, oh yes, baby, that’s it! Right there!”

Cas had a hand on Dean’s hip and one across his chest, under his shirt that had never been taken off, and he moved the latter to pinch a nipple, and Dean let out another really loud moan.

He could feel Cas’ breath speed up against his neck and he turned to the side to catch his mouth with his own. “Mmm, Dean, so perfect,” Cas groaned against his face. He snaked his arm further down, to grab Dean’s penis and he started stroking it in time with each thrust. Dean bit his lip when he came, collapsing onto the bench with his upper body. When he came it was Cas who let out a string of curses (Dean thought he heard ‘assbutt’ in there) and he came a second after.

Cas stepped away from him, still on his knees, and pulled his pants up. Dean could feel the semen run down his thigh. Probably should make more of an effort to not get cum stains on his yoga mat. But meh, the people at yoga saw them together, Dean had popped a boner more than once, and Cas’ yoga pants that were now Dean’s again weren’t exactly forgiving. He didn’t even care. Cas was hot.

He pulled his boxers up, instantly staining them with Cas’ cum that was pumping out of him. They sat on the bench, Dean’s arm around Cas. “Does this count as exhibitionism, I wonder? I mean, we do not know if anyone is actually looking.” Cas said, cuddling into Dean’s, no longer caved in, side.

Dean chuckled, “fuck yeah. I mean for one thing anyone who’s out on their balcony can hear us. Probably people on the street too. And secondly, I’m pretty sure the guy who lives across from us has gotten binoculars.” Castiel flushed and hid his face in Dean’s neck, “oh my gosh, that’s embarrassing! We’re never doing it out here again.”

Dean laughed and ran a hand down his boyfriend’s shoulder, “you and I both know that that is a total lie.” Cas laughed too.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dean looked down at Cas doing a downward dog, feeling a little hesitant. He looked around him. Some people were doing pretty great, some seemed to be in same predicament as him. He looked at Lisa and her new yoga partner again. They were just fucking standing there, balancing on each other. How did they even do that?! Lisa turned her head and they made eye contact. If there was one thing he didn’t want it was Lisa’s hands on him as he tried to balance on Cas.

He turned around and stood with one foot on each side of Cas’ hands, both men facing the same direction, then he put his own hands on the floor, about a foot in front of Cas'.

“You ready, baby?” he mumbled and heard a slightly strained “yup,” and a deep exhale from his boyfriend.

He put one foot up on Cas’ lower back, and when he tried to let go to do the same with his other foot he lost balance. “Fuck! You alright?” Dean asked as Cas came back to sit on his knees. He nodded, “let’s get some assistance.” 

Before Dean could protest Cas had signaled to Lisa, though it was her yoga partner that came over. She was covered in tattoos, butterflies and flowers and what looked like ghouls stretching out on her legs, visible in only shorts. Dean tried not to stare. He’d gotten another three in the last month and a half. Cas called him an addict. But he totally thought it was hot.

“Hey, you having trouble?” she asked, red hair flopping around in what looked like a ‘messy on purpose’-bun. 

Cas arranged himself into a downward dog again, and this time the yoga assistant or whatever she was, held Dean’s stomach, urging him to “keep his core strong”, and lifted his second leg onto Cas’ lower back. Dean was shaking with effort. The tendons in the back of his legs were not flexible enough for this. The woman let go. 

“Good job. Try and keep it for a couple of deep breaths.” She kept standing next to them; Dean could see a skeletal moth look at him from her leg. He blew out air through his mouth.

“Okay, do you think you can come out of it by yourselves?” she asked, and Dean tightened further in his stomach and carefully lifted first one leg back to the ground and then the other.

 

He unscrewed the cap of his water bottle, feeling pretty red in the face. Who’d have thought yoga was hard?? And it was totally noticeable that Cas had been there 8 times more than him. Though he could tell he’d made progress himself now too.

“Your tattoo is really neat,” the redhead told him, gesturing to his shoulder, which was completely covered, the design stretching onto one pec, a shoulder blade and the first few inches of his upper arm. Dean was wearing a tank top because he apparently didn’t respect himself. Of course it was Cas’.

“Uh, thanks. Yours are too,” he replied, feeling a little awkward. He took a sip of water.

“Who did it?” She asked curiously. Dean rattled off an address.

“Oh, I know them, did he design it too?” 

Dean blushed slightly, “no, ah… I actually did.” She looked excited and was about to say something but then Lisa told them to switch positions.

Dean made a downward dog and the redhead went back to Lisa. “Ready?” Cas said quietly from somewhere close above his head. Dean groaned, and then felt a foot on his back.

 

They were finally done and Dean was rolling up his mat next to Cas. Lisa stopped above them, she could roll that mat in record time. “You guys wanna get brunch?”

It was a Sunday morning and they hadn’t seen Lisa since last Tuesday. “Sure,” Dean said and looked at Cas, “do you have plans, babe?” He didn’t.

“It’s okay if Abaddon tags along, right?” Lisa asked, drinking from her carton of coconut water. Hipster.

Dean frowned, who was that? Cas just said yes. Then the tattooed redhead came over, “you guys ready?” 

 

Lisa and Cas were discussing the importance of bees in the eco-system and Dean was glad that Cas had someone to do that with.

He was talking to Abaddon.

“Yeah, I’ve tattooed for 7 years and owned my own studio for the last 4.” She said, sipping her smoothie.

Dean nodded and swallowed a bite of his eggs. This was the first time he was discussing tattoos with someone who actually knew something about tattoos.

“So you draw?” Dean nodded again, “have you designed other tattoos?”

“Nah, it’s not like… I just made that design and wanted to get it tattooed, it’s not like a thing I _do_ ,” Dean made a ‘whatever’ gesture with his hand.

“Well, it could be, you know. I’d be totally interested in seeing more of your work. If you’d let me, of course.” She lifted her eyebrows in genuine interest.

“Uhm. Sure, why not. You gonna be at yoga on next Sunday?” he asked. Were he and Cas even going on Sunday? She nodded though.

“Actually… hold on,” he told her and turned to Cas, touching his arm lightly. Blue eyes turned to him and Dean couldn’t help smiling, “sorry, babe. Are we going next Sunday?”

“I’m not sure, I have a final next Monday, so it depends on how far along I am with studying for that, I suppose.” 

Dean turned back to Abaddon, but not before pecking Cas quickly. “Actually, it might be easier if I just get your number. Maybe I can stop by you shop with some drawings or something.”

She nodded, “alright, sounds good.”

 

They were walking home, the sun shining down on them. Dean could feel sweat soaking the armpits of his open button-down. He turned his cap the right way to actually shade his eyes from the sun. Cas squeezed his fingers.

“That girl, Abaddon, seemed quite becoming?” Castiel said as a question. Dean mumbled, “yeah.”

“She wanted to see you drawings?”

“Yeah. It’s crazy right?”

“I don’t know that it is. You’re very talented, Dean. Perhaps you could become a tattoo artist.”

Dean shrugged. But his interest was peaked.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

On July 4th they all, Benny, Ash, Garth, Ruby, Pam, Jo, Charlie, Lisa, Abaddon, Sammy, Gabriel, Anna, Kevin, Victor and Bela, and Cas and Dean, of course, got together to barbecue and get drunk in a park, both as a way to celebrate the holiday, but Cas' birthday that was in a week as well. Finally turning 18.

Dean still couldn’t drink, he was still on meds, but luckily Anna and Abaddon were straight-edge killjoys too.

Castiel was trying to cut a hole in a watermelon, Benny standing ready with an open bottle of vodka next to him. They were already tipsy on beer, and Dean thought about taking the knife away from Cas and just doing it himself, but then they got it. 

Garth and Pam were both busy hitting on Lisa, asking her how flexible was she exactly? Lisa laughed and turned the sausages on the grill. 

Sammy seemed to be bonding pretty well with Kevin, just like Dean had figured they would, but later in the evening, when everyone had been drinking the watermelon vodka, he had to seriously threaten Gabriel to get him to stop flirting with a very drunk and sappy Sammy.

They were all sitting on a few blankets by the time it got dark, Cas in between Dean’s legs, leaning on his chest. He was only tipsy. And very beautiful. When the fireworks started, Cas turned around to kiss Dean fantastically. Before they knew it, they were making out, right there in the middle of their friends. Dean couldn’t give a fuck. Not until someone threw fruit salad at them to get them to stop. 

Dean was throwing pineapple back at Gabriel when he realized - when he fully acknowledged – that he was happy.

Before going home they all toasted to health and friendship and love, so Dean and Cas went home to bang on the living room floor. And on the kitchen counter, in the shower, once on the balcony, and the rest of the night in their bed. They finally fell asleep at 4 in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time I decide to write an angsty fic, I'll try to make it more angsty.. lol.


	20. Ever After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse into Cas and Dean's life together after 20 years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done! It's over! I feel like the ending was a bit anti-climatic, but I hoped you all enjoyed the story nonetheless. I also trust you're all relieved to hear I handed in my exam today - three days early! 
> 
> I'm sorry, but I have a serious obsession with Dean and tattoos, so this had to happen.

“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Can I sit in the front?” Claire tugged on Dean’s hand.

“No! I’m gonna sit in the front!” Ben yelled, sending half-chewed frosted flakes across the table.

“You rugrats both know that Dad is gonna sit up front,” Dean said, lifting Claire and putting her back on her chair for her to finish her cereal.

Castiel picked her spoon up from where it had fallen to the floor when she’d rushed out of her chair to ambush Dean.

“Well, can I drive then?” Ben asked, steering a pretend-steering wheel made of air and making motor sounds with his mouth.

Dean poured coffee into a travel mug and Cas could hear him chuckle. “Sorry, sweetheart, Daddy does the driving. Maybe when you’re older.”

“How old?” Claire wanted to know. She was the eldest. Dean shrugged and when Ben said “maybe… 9?” they both burst out in laughter. “Auntie Jo said that only Dad and Daddy can drive the Baby!” Claire said solemnly.

Dean patted their eldest child on the head on his way past her, and came to stand next to Cas’ chair. Cas looked up at him to receive his morning kiss.

“’Morning,” he mumbled, head still turned up at him.

“Hmm, morning baby,” Dean said against his lips then stretched back upright. “You didn’t wake me?”

“You needed the sleep.”

Dean pouted playfully, “but I wanted to shower with you.” Claire peeped “I’ll take a shower with you, Daddy!” 

Castiel ignored the feeling of Dean’s hand coming to a rest pretty high on his thigh. “Some other time, princess. We gotta go in 20 minutes. You have everything? Go pee before we leave.”

“You too, Ben,” Castiel bid in.

Around 40 minutes later they finally pulled out of the garage, enjoying the hum of the Baby and the Jungle Book audiobook. It was actually some sort of a record time.

And Castiel couldn’t blame his children for delaying them, because Dean was the one who’d kept groping him while he tried to pack.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Castiel didn’t have time to unfasten his seatbelt and no sooner than Dean had cut the engine was Claire flying out the car, running pretty fast for a five year old, straight into the shins of her uncle. Ben struggled and huffed in his car seat.

“Hey cutiepie. How are you?” Sam asked his niece, hoisting her up onto his hip. Cas came towards them, letting Dean get Ben out of the seat.

“I’m well, thanks,” Castiel grinned, and Claire squealed, “he meant meee! Isn’t Dad silly?” she asked Sam sassily. He nodded in faux-seriousness. Then was hit in the shins anew as Ben ran into them, “pick me up! Uncy Sammy, up!!” Uncy Sammy complied and juggled Ben on the other hip.

“Hey, Sammy,” Dean grinned and ignored Sam’s annoyed look at the nickname, “where’s mom and dad?”

“Da- Grandpa is in the backyard setting up the barbecue. How was the drive?” Mary asked from where she’d appeared on the front porch. 

“Grandma!” the children squealed, and started wiggling to be let go. Sam did, and hugged Cas.

“Hey, man. How’s it going?” he asked. Castiel clapped his enormous shoulder blade. So much for the awkward, short teenager he'd used to be.

“Do you know how fucking long two hours is in a car with a three-year-old and a five-year-old that won’t agree on _anything_?” Dean said, coming to hug his mother.

Cas frowned, “Dean! Language!”

Sam and Mary laughed.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“How are doing, honey?” Mary asked later. Cas was putting the kids to sleep in Dean’s old room. Sam had gone home to his wife. 

“I’m good, mom. Exhausted, but good,” Dean assured, putting an arm around his mother’s shoulders as they looked out the window at John who was putting the grill away.

“You’re not working yourself too hard, are ya? Cas was worried about your stress levels a few weeks back. It’s okay to relax,” Dean doubted his family would ever stop worrying. They hadn’t in the past 20 years.

“I am fine. Cas talked to Abaddon so she gave me two days off, whether I wanted them or not,” he told her. 

She nodded and smiled up at him, “Good, honey. I know you like putting others’ needs before your own, but sorority girls can wait an extra week before getting their yin and yangs or whatever they’re getting these days.” 

Dean huffed a laugh. She’d gotten sassy in her old days. “I s’pose that’s true. Anyway, we’re off for vacation soon, anyway. We’re going on that yoga retreat… uhm, where was it, again… You’ll have to ask Cas.”

“I think he said Bali. The kids are gonna be with Cas’ mom?” 

“Yeah, it’s easier. You know, since she’s up in Seattle and all?” Dean confirmed.

She hmm’ed. Then John came inside. “You wanna go take a look at the Impala?” Dean asked. He nodded. 

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“I can’t believe you’re having me wear slacks. That’s _your_ thing,” Dean complained, buttoning the three buttons in his T-shirt collar. 

“Stop being so grumpy. You look marvelous,” Cas told him. He was already tying his shoes, “are you ready soon?”

“What? No?! I still need to fix my hair and put on cologne, and I’m not even sure I want to wear this T-shirt!” Dean’s eyes boggled in the mirror.

“You’re wearing that shirt! And your hair is fine. I do not want to be late.”

And then that was final, wasn’t it? Dean sprayed cologne in a cloud around him and put on his shoes. All-Star Converse. Just to piss off his husband. It totally worked.

Dean didn’t really see the point of going to their high school reunion since they already kept in contact with everyone they wanted to from high school. At least there was an open bar and miniature philly cheesesteak sandwiches.

Castiel, the nerd, was catching up with some teachers, leaving Dean to stand awkwardly by the door, waiting to spot any of his friends.

Unfortunately, because that was just Dean’s fucking luck, Dick was the first to find him. The fucker was wearing a straight-up suit. “Dean! Who’d have thought you would still be alive?” he smirked with really annoying over-the-top male bravado.

“Thanks for your faith in me,” Dean tried to keep it light. They were fucking adults now.

Dick just kept smirking. “You know, I’m a CEO now, got my very own company.” Dean didn't see the relevance.

“Well, I feel for your poor employees,” Dean said sarcastically. His skin was crawling. Coming back to his high school brought enough shitty memories, he didn’t need Dick to bring up more. 

“Hm. We’d never hire someone who looked like you,” he said out of the blue. He looked down at Dean’s tattoo-covered arms, eyes following the F, R and two E’s on the fingers of his left hand, the first E cut in half by a wedding band.

Dean huffed a bitter laugh,” oh, you don’t gotta worry about me.” 

“So why kind of job can someone like you get? You never did go to college did you?”

And ew, why did Dick know anything about that? Freak.

“I tattoo for a living, I’m co-owner of a shop.” He didn’t know why he told him. It wasn’t any of Dick’s business.

He smiled shark-like, a sarcastic glint in his eyes, “ah, following in Alastair’s footsteps?” 

And that was just too much for Dean. He doubted he’d ever feel comfortable in his hometown again, and he hated that he had to be on edge every time he went home to his parents, and how, for the first few years of his career, when he started up the tattoo gun he’d get a burst of anxiety tying up his stomach. And more than anything, he hated hearing that asshole’s name: a name that could still send him into attacks of despair, have him fumbling and send him to therapy. He would never be okay. 

He gripped Dick by the collar, pulling him close to his face. He glared into his eyes until Dick looked away, “let’s get one fucking thing straight, okay?” 

“That creep was a psycho with a mail order tattoo gun. _I_ am an artist.” He spat, and pushed Dick away from him. The other man stumbled for a minute, trying to fix his now messed-up suit, then yelled at Dean’s retreating back: “hey, you can’t just do this, you fucking nutcase! You should have just killed yourself 20 years ago!”

Dean could feel tears prickling behind his eyelids, but fuck, if he was going to cry at this school again. Cas came towards him and Dean turned left, not ready to face him. There was no chance he hadn’t heard what Dick had just yelled. Everyone had. Dick was in the middle of being escorted out of the gym, thank fuck.

Starting to feel the first iron clasps around his chest, tell-tale signs of an oncoming anxiety attack, he changed route and left. He sat down on a railing separating the tennis courts from the track field. He could see the trees from the park where Alastair had used to deal drugs. And where he’d pushed him face-down into a bush, pulled down his pants and… 

He forgot to breathe and when he remembered, he didn’t know how. With his back to the parking lot he didn’t see the car pull up, but he heard someone walking on gravel towards him. ‘Jo?’ he wanted to say, but he just kept hyperventilating. 

“De-Dean? What’s going on? You gotta relax! Calm down,” she took a deep breath to show him, hand on his shoulder. He bent in on himself, putting his head between his knees. Jo kept a hand on his shoulder, which was a comfort. He started to breathe a little more slowly, but still in gasps.

“Listen, I’m gonna go find Cas, alright? Don’t move!”

With his head between his knees and eyes squeezed shut he couldn’t see anything and he didn’t dare look up. What if Alastair was back? What if he was dealing drugs right over there, in that park behind the tennis courts? What if he saw Dean, and came over. That gross smile on his face, hand reaching out to touch. Dean felt dizzy and sick.

A hand touched his shoulder and Dean froze. Then he shrunk even more into himself, “leave me alone! Don’t touch me!”

“Dean, baby, it’s me. It’s Cas,” came a soothing voice above him, hand coming to stroke his shivering back. Dean dared look up, and found comfort in the bright and familiar eyes of his husband.

“What the fuck,” he mumbled, sitting upright and finally able to breathe normally.

“What happened? What triggered an anxiety attack? Was it what Dick said?” Cas kept looking worried, eyes frowning where they observed Dean. 

Dean reached out to touch his face, fingers running over his crows feet. 

“Yeah, I don’t know. I think it’s just everything. You know, being back like this,” Dean looked down at his hands.

Cas came to stand in between Dean’s leg, arms around his neck. He kissed him. Then asked if Dean wanted to leave, to which he could only shake his head, “no, let's just go get a fucking drink.”

Dean rarely did drink. He’d done it some in his youth, before the shitshow that turned his life around, and then been on meds that prevented him from it for years, and now he just figured he was getting too old for that kind of crap. But if he couldn’t get drunk with his friends and his high school sweetheart at his own high school reunion, then why did they even show up?

They took each other by the hand and went back inside to find their friends.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Cas was woken up by a dreadful tune – especially on hung-over ears – that meant someone was calling him. He reached out a hand, face still buried in Dean’s armpit. 

“Good morning, Cas,” there was a smile to be heard on Mary’s lips. Cas just groaned anyway.

“I trust it was a splendid reunion,” she giggled, but went on, “I have two very upset children missing their fathers here, and I don’t know what to tell them.” That was when he heard Ben crying in the background. He sat up in a rush, causing Dean to wake up. 

“Frick! I’m sorry, Mary! We’ll be right there!” he hung up.

“What the fuck happened last night?” Dean mumbled. Castiel looked at his surroundings. It had been remodeled, thank gosh, but it was undoubtedly Ash’s parents’ basement. Ash himself was lying right beside them, though on the floor. 

“We can’t handle an open bar. We have to go, baby,” Cas started pulling on his pants – luckily the only thing he’d taken off. 

They were on their way out when Charlie came running after them, dress unzipped in the back, “guys! Can you give me a ride?”

So they dropped Charlie off at the hotel she was staying at and went home, looking a little worse for wear. 

“Dean and Castiel Winchester. You are in your late 30’s! You are a business owner and a PhD candidate. You have two small children, for chrissake! What the hell were you doing, drinking yourself to beyond recognition last night?” Mary was waiting for them on the front porch, hands on her hips. She wasn’t mad. She was actually biting her lips from trying not to laugh.

“Mahm, you don’t understaaand!” Dean mock-complained, running weakly past her, to mimic a difficult teenager. Castiel had the decency to blush.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

They stayed until the next day, enjoying spending time in the Winchester house. Ben fell off the swing when he tried to go as high as Claire, which of course made Claire feel guilty and Dean and Castiel had to put down their afternoon coffee, to each get an armful of crying, inconsolable child. 

“Aww,” John cooed, which was weird for an old butch man, but he had the softest spot for his grandchildren, “reminds me of when you and Sam were around that age. If one started crying they other joined in and then there was just nothing to do.”

“Yeah, not even just at that age. Also when we were, like… I don’t know, 14 and 18?” Dean said. Cas could tell that Dick’s words were still on his mind. He couldn’t believe someone would bring that up, even if that someone was Dick. 

“That was different,” Mary said, “those were some tear-filled years for us all.”

Dean wiped Claire’s eyes and lifted her off his lap, sending her back to play outside. Cas did the same with Ben. “I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

“Okay. But I want you know that we are all very proud of the strength you showed, and how you were able to become the successful and happy man that you are. There was a time where I didn’t dare think of your future.” Mary’s eyes were glistening. 

Dean put a hand on Cas’ thigh, Cas’ hand coming to rest on top of it. “I couldn’t have done it without you guys' support.”

 

When it became time for them to leave after breakfast on Sunday Ben and Claire offered a performance not unlike the one they had on the morning two days prior.

“Daddy! If I sit in your lap, can I steer the wheel?” Ben was standing on his chair, and when Dean noticed he swallowed too hot coffee much too fast, feeling the burn all the way down, “Ben Winchester! Sit down!” he said using his John Winchester-voice.

He plopped back down, but kept his eyes on his tattooed father. Dean ran a hand over his face, “no, you have to sit in your car seat. Besides I think Dad is going to drive.”

“I don’t have to sit in a car seat, because _I_ am a _big_ girl!” Claire said proudly, pointing at her chest with her porridge-filled spoon.

“Claire, look at the mess you made. Now we have to change your shirt before we leave,” Castiel reached out a hand, which she took so they could go find another shirt.

40 minutes later Cas was driving the car, Dean’s hand resting on his thigh. He’d long ago hid the Frozen CD from the kids, and they were listening to the last bit of Mowgli’s adventures on the audiobook. 

“I love you,” Dean smiled softly.

Cas cast a quick glance at him, letting his right hand come to touch Dean’s hand on his leg, twisting the wedding band once, “I love you too.”

“SSSSSSHHH! Baloo is gonna sing!”


End file.
